Daddy's Little Girl

 Sofia and I are Lucky Girls

I have always known that Juan is my rock, but our little girl has shown me that I can continue to fall deeper and deeper in love with this man. Through all of this he has been wonderful. He speaks with such wisdom and love about all that we are going through and all that is to come. His words fill me with peace and hope, which is all we can ask for right now. I am truly blessed to have him as my husband, as the father of my children, and as the foundation of this family.

I love you, Juan Llamas. Thank you for holding me together today, and always.

Since the day we found out we were pregnant, Juan was very involved with the pregnancy. He went to every appointment and researched every baby gadget that would go on our registry. When we found out we were blessed with a baby girl, he fell head over heels in love with her. He talked about her all the time, and was constantly shopping for the most adorable outfits. He bought her books in both English and Spanish, and spoke to her every day. I have no doubts that little Miss Sofia is a total daddy's girl, and I am happy with that. She had him wrapped around her little finger from inside the womb.

Upon returning home from the hospital, Juan wrote this beautiful letter to Sofia. It is a letter of love, heartbreak, and hope. I am happy that he wrote it, and hope that with sharing it, this letter continues to fill him with comfort and healing.

Your mom's lips, your dad's nose, your mom's chin and curly hair, your dad's fingers and dark hair. You made us parents. We held you, we kissed you, you met the rest of your family and we thought about the many things we would not have the opportunity to do together. No impromptu dancing in the kitchen with your dad, no time for pedicures and manicures with mom, no tea parties, cleaning up boo boos, baking treats, wearing tutus, making faces at veggies or snuggling with you. We didn't get to hear you cry, we didn't get to hear your laugh nor did we get the chance to read to you and teach you to say please and gracias. I imagine you now, what you would look four-five years, from now, how you would eat, what your interests would be. Would you have your mom's temperament, your dad's goofiness and their desire to help others? We missed out on seeing you grow, seeing you graduate and we missed out on our daddy/daughter dance at your wedding. My heart hurts, I feel incomplete. I am strong for mommy and for the rest of your family because I feel that if I breakdown in front of them, that they will break down too. Maybe that's how you would have been, a strong girl trying to shield others from pain. Although I am hurting, I am able to smile. I am able to look at tomorrow. I am able to make "meow" noises at random times, I am able to joke still, I am able to make mommy laugh, I am able to feel peace, I am able to know how much I love her and understand how much more we have to live and do. Sofia, you gave us love. You gave us heartache. We can now call ourselves parents because of you. You gave us faith. You gave us hope. You reminded us of the great support system that we have in friends, family and even in strangers that we met while at the hospital. I mentioned that you gave us heartache. I don't mean it as a bad thing. It was a reminder that you were human. You were real. Though we would rather this all be a nightmare from which we could wake up from, the heartache you brought reminded us how human we are. It's in being human that we feel love, pain, triumph, hope, despair, agony and success. You were, are and will continue to be human to us. I love you my niña bonita. You changed our lives in 32 weeks. You impacted our lives soooooo much in the 13 hours we were able to hold you, kiss you, smell you, talk to you, share you. Your lifeless body was full of life. We carry your life now. We won't let you down. We will make you proud. We will give you siblings and one day we will all be reunited and we'll have our daddy/daughter dance, your mom will do your hair (fyi she'll want to put bows in your hair) and we'll simply love each other.

I love you my little one.

Your dad, Juan.