Entering the Unknown

After hitting 32 weeks, we are now entering unexplored territory. So far, I have felt very much like a second-time mom. Everything up to 32 weeks was familiar to me, predictable and comfortable. Now, I am back to some first times, and it is a weird position to be in. I am not fully a second time mom, and yet, not really a first time mom either. I am somewhere in between, and it is a bizarre place to be.

When it comes to weeks 33 and on of pregnancy, however, I am a first-timer. For the first time I am experiencing the joys of crazy swollen feet and fingers, discomfort everywhere, the impossible task of picking anything up off the floor or tying shoes (partially because I can't reach, partially because my feet are so swollen I'd rather leave them untied), the challenges of rolling over in bed.... as anyone who has gone full term with a baby knows... the list goes on and on. But with all of these less desirable experiences, I am also feeling for the first time, that feeling of knowing exactly which body part of Baby is where. The movements are so strong and so distinct, I have a clear image of what he is doing in there. I know when he is awake and when he is sleeping. I know when he has the hiccups and when he is stretching. Big, distinct movements are definitely something new for me, and I love it.

In these final weeks I have also realized how close we were to the finish line with Sofia. Time seems to fly once you hit 33 weeks. We were SO close to full term with her, which is a tough reality to swallow. Just last night however, I was thanking God for taking her when He did, just before the pains and discomforts of the third trimester really set in. My pregnancy with her ended in the honeymoon stages. I wanted to be pregnant forever. I loved every minute of it. Today I am thankful to be at this point in pregnancy, and I have enjoyed the ride, but I am also so ready for him to just be here, and for my body to slowly start to feel somewhat normal again.

So, let the countdown to welcoming Joaquin begin!

While I am enjoying this pregnancy, there are many things that have made it tougher to enjoy. Most are obvious, pregnancy after loss reasons, others are new challenges that I've had to face with this pregnancy. Let me tell you, it does not matter what you've been through, there are no free passes!

Why I am ready for him NOW:

• Being pregnant after a loss is terrifying, every minute of every day. The first 20 weeks are the toughest, but after that it doesn't get much easier. Even when you feel Baby move constantly, your mind can go to dark places about what could or might happen.  No statistic keeps you feeling safe. You know what it is like to be in the 1%. It may not sound like a lot, but once you fall there, you know that the odds may not always be in your favor.

• Numerous doctor appointments I must say that I am so glad I am being monitored more closely. I think going more than a week without seeing a doctor would have me in an anxiety-ridden panic most of the time. However, tending to so many appointments is exhausting.  Since about 28 weeks we have gone to at least one appointment a week, sometimes two or three appointments in one day (with different doctors). While it is great reassurance that everything is going well, it is time consuming. It takes us away from work, it interferes with our usual weekday routines, it is just exhausting. In fact, having so many appointments is what really inspired us to do our babymoon. It was during those days we could just focus on each other and on Baby, without having to worry about scheduling, attending, or financing various appointments. Juan has been such an amazing supporter through all of this, as he too has been to every appointment. I am so grateful for him, and for my colleagues at work, who make it possible for me to be at these appointments while my students remain in good hands.

• Blood Sugar Luckily, I do not have Gestational Diabetes. However, I've been told that I have a "temporary, minor glucose intolerance" and because of my history, they are monitoring me as if I have GD. I thought my OB was going to cry when she shared this news with me. "As if you need more to worry about" she told me.  Like I said... no free passes. So yes, I have been poking my finger 4 times a day to monitor my sugars and meeting with a dietitian regularly. Thankfully, my numbers have been good and I haven't had to change what I eat much. In fact, I've been pushed to eat more (which is exhausting... what teacher has time to eat multiple snacks all day long?!?!) and just spread my fruits and carbs out during the day and go walking every night. It is exhausting though. I have big respect for women with full blown GD. Having to think about everything you eat, how much of it, when you eat it, what you eat it with, etc. is exhausting. Just another thing to add to the list of things to do... meet with OB, meet with specialist, meet with dietitian, match every fruit or carb with a protein, eat high carb/protein snacks four times a day, pack said snacks for work every day, poke finger and take blood 4 times a day- at particular times, go on a 30+ minute walk every night, remember to take prenatal vitamins.... oh yes and do all of those other baby-prep/nesting tasks too.... and go to work.  Needless to say, I am pooped. 

The light at the end of the tunnel...

This week we had an appointment with the specialist.  Joaquin is looking perfectly healthy, and measuring slightly big. At 34 weeks, he is already almost 6 pounds! Our doctor said that depending on his growth over the next three weeks, they will determine whether or not they let me go a full 40 weeks. This made me so happy. As much as I want to enjoy the ride, if I can get a healthy baby in my arms sooner than that, I will be delighted! I'm hoping that if they do make me go early they just induce me, but depending on his size, there is a possibility of a C-section (not my ideal choice, but hey, if it gets him here healthy, I will take it!). After throwing my arms in the air and cheering in the patient's chair it hit me... he could be here in 4 weeks! Then the excitement and panic of "Oh wow we have a lot to do" set in. It is mostly excitement though. I know we will be as ready as we can be when he gets here. We will be first time bringing-a-baby-home parents, and you can never be fully ready for that... so bring him on! We are waiting eagerly for you, Joaquin! We will do our best to have your clothes washed and essentials purchased, but no matter what we have and don't have ready, our hearts are ready more than you know. Can't wait to kiss your cheeks little (big) guy! (and if you're here before Thanksgiving, Mama may get to have mashed potatoes and pie after all! woohoo). 

See you soon, Baby Boy! 

32 Weeks: A Bittersweet Milestone for the Llamas Family

My Sweet Sofia, 

As of today, your baby brother has been growing in my belly for 32 weeks. That's how long I got to carry you! For the last 32 weeks I've been anticipating this milestone, eager to make it this far, and unsure about how I would feel being 32 weeks pregnant again. To my surprise, the weeks leading up to 32 were much tougher than actually hitting 32 weeks. Being 29, 30 and 31 weeks pregnant brought back so many happy memories. During those last few weeks with you in my belly we did so much. We had your 3D ultrasound done, took photos for our Christmas card, shopped for you and prepared your room, got all Christmas shopping done and wrapped, put up the Christmas tree, decorated for Christmas, baked tons of cookies for coworkers, attended a tea party baby shower in your honor, even went to a cheer competition at Six Flags with a bunch of middle school girls. We were so busy, you and I, and I loved having you there to experience it all with me. While all of these memories brought such joy to my heart and so many smiles to my face over the last few weeks, they also reminded me of how much I miss you. It is crazy how my heart can still ache for you, yet I feel your presence in our lives more and more each day. Your journey in my belly may have been cut short, but your journey in my heart is eternal, and for that I am grateful.

Thank you for sending us your little brother. We needed him to join our lives when he did more than we even realized. You are one wise girl, Sofie. Daddy and I love you so much. 

My Happy Joaquin, 

Happy 32 weeks! Daddy and I cannot wait to meet you. Having you grow in my belly for the last 32 weeks has been such an adventure. We are so grateful for you. You are a gift and blessing in our lives, perfectly timed for our family. With every kick and squirm, you fill me with hope and gratitude. You remind me a lot of your sister, but you definitely have your own spunky personality too! Sometimes when I think about you, I am so happy I cry. Sometimes I stay up WAY too late, just to feel you dance around. I cannot wait to see your dance moves in person. Sometimes I worry about you, something I will do for the rest of my life. To be honest, there were moments, months ago, that I wasn't sure we would make it this far with you, despite how perfectly healthy you've been all along. I only got to carry your sister for 32 weeks, so I couldn't help but worry that I would only have that much time with you too.  Now that we are here however, I am certain that our journey with you is just beginning, and your sister will live through us all forever. Thank you for renewing our hope and strengthening our faith. We love you so much, and cannot wait to meet you!

I love you, my sweet babies! 

Love, 

Mama

Carrying a Boy While Grieving a Girl

Since we delivered Sofia we were both pretty adamant about wanting, about needing, to have a girl next. When we spoke with the counselor at the hospital on the day we delivered Sofia, we voiced concern about our fears for our next child if it turned out to be a boy. What if we could not love him, because he was not a girl?!? The counselor assured us that our feelings were normal, and when the time came, we would love our baby with such immense love, no matter the gender. We listened, but the fear lingered in our hearts. We spent so many days planning for life with a girl, dreaming about life with a girl, shopping for our little girl, now she was gone, and those hopes and dreams were not.

As months passed we went through different phases. Around March we were both more accepting of the idea of a son. Still, once we knew we were pregnant, we hoped for a little girl to bring all those dreams back to life, and to wear all those clothes we bought her big sister. We read articles about pregnancy after loss and how most people find it easier to have the opposite gender after a loss, but we ignored those sentiments and stayed stubborn in our need for a girl.

Just a week before we'd find out the gender, I finally accepted in my heart that we were having a boy, and I cried. I knew in my gut it was a boy, and I also knew that a boy was exactly what we needed. I was simply in denial of that during the prior months of my journey. Just after my realization and acceptance, Juan went on his annual Yosemite trip with his friends. While on that trip, something changed within him too. He too was certain we were having a boy, and was 100% certain that a boy was meant to be next in our line-up.

Sure enough, when we visited the specialist at 18 weeks, it was clear as day we are having a boy! Since then, it has become more and more evident that a boy is exactly what we need in our family at this time. Sure, we hope to have a girl someday. Yes, we want a little sister who will wear the clothes we bought Sofia and do all the things that little girls do, but having a girl this close to Sofia would not be fair to this next baby, or to Sofia. You see, being pregnant with another girl this close together would kind of feel like we were just picking up where we left off. It would feel like this little one would have to fulfill all that we had dreamed up for Sofia. We would certainly make the common parent slip and call her Sofia time and time again, and ultimately at age 13 in the midst of a fit she would probably scream, "I am sorry I'm not Sofia!" and slam the door in our heartbroken faces. We don't want that for this child, and we don't want that for Sofie. Each baby deserves to have her time, her place, her dreams to fulfill. I can now understand and accept that having a girl this close to Sofia would have made it more difficult to give each of my girls some time of their own. The pregnancies are so close I can already see how easily the memories could get blurred together. Since finding out we are having a boy though, this pregnancy has taken on a personality of its own. It is a boy, and that means new clothes, new room, new names, and new dreams, completely different than those we built for Sofia. Having some years apart and a brother in between is sure to help our future daughter not feel like a replacement for the daughter we lost.

This little guy came with perfect timing. Now we are dreaming up all things boy and we are having a blast with it! Within a week of knowing he was a he, we had shopped enough to give him a wardrobe larger than his big sister's!  Now, just short of a month into knowing, we have already put in a good deal of work on his room, and we constantly debate which sports he will play. I am sure he is going to be such a goofball and a gentleman, just like his daddy, and am certain that his love will melt my heart. We can't wait to see him try to keep up with his 7 older boy cousins and 6 sons of friends (we are surrounded by boys around here!). We are looking forward to trains and trash-trucks and cars and Legos littering our carpet. I cannot wait to see him as Juan's little buddy and side-kick. They are sure to be a tag-team comedy act. Back in December it was not that we were against having a boy, we just hadn't taken the time to think about all the wonderful things that little boys bring. Now that we have, we could not be more excited!

We are also certain that big sister Sofia has a lot to do with sending us this little guy. As Juan puts it, it is like she is at "Build-A-Bear" in Heaven where she can "build a brother" instead. He is a gift that she's been working closely with God to send us. Her purpose on Earth was fulfilled in such a short time, and now her eternal purpose is bigger and grander than we'd ever dreamed. She is not only a big sister, but a guardian angel. An advocate, a guide, and a source of comfort for her baby brother, her parents, and her siblings to come. We are so blessed.

Frequently Asked Questions

Now that the news is public, I thought I'd take some time to record my answers to many frequently asked questions. I will be honest, answering questions is quite therapeutic for me. It helps me process my experiences and my emotions, and it shows such empathy from those around. If you have other questions, please reach out to me. No question is too personal or off limits. Some are easier to answer than others, but if it comes up in your head, I probably have already asked it of myself. Ask me anything.

Did you plan to get pregnant this soon?
Yes. As soon as we were given the go from the doctor, we knew we were ready to try. Once given the go, we realized that depending on our timing, we could end up with a baby on/near Sofia's delivery date or due date. We did not want to deliver on Sofia's delivery date, as we want that day to always be special for her. Therefore we knew we wanted a date at least 2 weeks before or a month or more after. While a similar due date won't bother me for future pregnancies, I feared that hitting all the same milestones at all the same times of the year with this next baby, would be too deja vu for me. I wasn't too keen on having a 32 week appointment exactly a year from Sofia's 32 week appointment. So that left us two options: try right away and get a due date two and a half weeks before we delivered Sofia, or wait at least 3 more months. Three months felt like a lifetime away (see next question for more) so we gave our luck a try. We both were not too confident that we'd conceive right away. My cycles were still a bit longer and irregular, and therefore harder to track to get the timing right. Lucky for us we proved to be quite fertile once again (something we are so grateful for)!

How did you know you were ready to try again, especially when in such a fragile state?
It may seem insensitive, but one of the first questions we asked the doctor was when we would be able to try again. This takes nothing away from our love for Sofia. Sofia 100% is responsible for us becoming parents. Sure, there will be several firsts that we experience with our next baby, but Sofia has shaped the way we are as parents in ways I cannot even explain. Also, we are 100% certain that having our next baby will not take away the pain we feel from Sofia's loss. Our hearts are forever changed by her absence. A new baby will in no way replace her or fill the gap in our hearts. We know that. However, we still dream of being parents to a living child. This dream has not gone away. A new baby can make this dream a reality. As any couple who has started trying to conceive knows, once you are ready to parent a living baby, you are ready. Waiting can be frustrating and heartbreaking. We've been ready for sometime. Our time to parent a living child has just been delayed a bit, and we are now learning to parent one we cannot hold. But that doesn't mean we have to give up that dream.

That being said, had we been given the go in January, we would not have tried. We did need some time. I went through a brief stage in which I feared I would never be happy again. I did not want my future kids to have an eternally sad mother, and therefore I thought maybe we shouldn't try for any more. Those thoughts did not last long as I realized that would be unfair to my sweet angel. She deserves to be honored by a mother who can find ways to smile and be the best darn mama she can be to all of her children, on Earth or in Heaven. As the days passed I was able to smile real smiles and find joy in each day. My sweet Sofia helped me get there, and continues to do so today.

Now that I am well into the second trimester, I am so grateful we got pregnant when we did. By the time we conceived I had worked through a lot of emotions and grief. I had come to many realizations and accepted our new reality as a family. I had time to find resources on becoming pregnant again after loss, and started to prepare myself for what was to come. I had just enough time to expose myself to it all before we were pregnant. Now I know that had we waited much longer, had I done more reading or research on pregnancy after loss, I may have chickened out. Sometimes not knowing the realities to come makes it easier to be brave. If I'd taken too much time thinking about what it would be like to be pregnant after loss I probably would have wanted to put it off for a few years. I'm glad that is not the case. The best way to deal with fear is to face it, not to avoid it and let it grow.

But what about the baby weight? You worked so hard to get it off!
This is true. I worked my butt off to get as close to my pre-pregnancy weight as possible as quickly as I could. Let me let you in on a little secret... the real reason for that was so that I could become pregnant again. While it was not necessary to get down to my previous weight to get pregnant again, the doctor did advise that it would make my next pregnancy more comfortable on my body. That made sense to me. Starting at a higher weight would mean ending at a higher weight which would mean more achy bones and muscles due to the extra weight being carried around. Also, let's not forget that I am now committing my body to 16+ months of pregnancy in a 19 month span. That's a lot on a body! I want to be sure I keep it as healthy and strong as I can through all of these changes. Luckily, with the help and guidance of my sister-in-law, the motivation of my hubby, and a membership to a prenatal yoga class, I am confident that I will come out of this second pregnancy even stronger and healthier than before I was pregnant with Sofia.   

How will you be monitored differently this time around?
At 18 weeks we got to see a perinatologist for the first time. In addition to checking all vital organs and measuring all body parts, the specialist closely examined the umbilical cord. We were able to not only see the fluids traveling in and out through the cord, but also hear them. It was pretty amazing. Right now, everything looks perfectly normal and healthy. We will visit our normal OB every four weeks as usual, and go back to the specialist at twenty-two weeks. As for future appointments, a lot will depend on what they find as we go. Tentatively speaking, it sounds like we will start kick counts at 28 weeks and then go in twice a week starting at 31 weeks just to check the heartbeat (mainly to ease this anxious pregnant mommy's mind). 

To be honest, I would have gone in once a week since we conceived if they let me, but as Juan reminds me, we are lucky that we are not considered high risk in that way.  What happened with Sofia's cord is likely to be an isolated incident, not something genetic, and for that we should be grateful.

Fortunately, I do not have any additional restrictions. I can exercise as usual, and continue with my normal activities. For that I am grateful. Of course, I am still crazy paranoid and overcautious, but at least I know the doctors don't think I need to be.

How are you feeling? 
This is always a funny question for me. Ever since delivering Sofia, I never know if people mean "physically" or "emotionally" because, let's be real, pregnancy and delivering a human make you feel wacky both physically and emotionally. So I guess I will answer both...


Physically speaking, I've felt pretty good all along. Sure I've got sore boobs, stretching uterus cramps, an insane sense of smell (not good when you teach stinky middle-schoolers and/or middle-schoolers who use Axe), I cannot brush my teeth without gagging, I'm totally bloated all the time and eternally exhausted, but I love it. I adopted the phrase "Happy to be feeling crappy" during my first trimester. These are all the same symptoms I had with Sofia (although the exhaustion is heightened due to dealing with grief and teaching during this time... with Sofia I was pregnant right before school got out, so I was able to rest a lot more). It feels good to be pregnant again. Yes pregnancy comes with a lot of physical challenges, but it is worth it. I am so grateful that I am able to get pregnant. I will take these minor side effects. (Also... I think I have it pretty easy compared to some women when it comes to the first trimester.)

Emotionally? I am a hot mess. There will be several blog posts all about this. It is insane how you can be so happy and yet so sad all at the same time, not to mention the fear and anxiety. Add pregnancy hormones to all of these contradictory emotions and you've got... well... me. I go from crying happy tears to balling uncontrollably in a split second. One minute I'm driving home from work singing along with the radio, and the next I am pulled over on the side of the freeway shaking as I cry and scream that I just want to hold Sofia. I know if it weren't for her I wouldn't have this little bundle, but, I want them both! Is that too much to ask?!?! Sometimes I see a pregnant woman and smile, other times I instantly hate her and her innocence about pregnancy (even without knowing her or her story!) and then I am filled with guilt for having such horrible thoughts!

I'm a mess, but I am okay with that. I let myself feel everything I need to feel. All of these thoughts and feelings are "normal" and part of my journey. I just have to check myself and my thoughts. While I can be scared, I cannot let it own me, I must also be hopeful. While I can be angry, I cannot let it stay, I must too be grateful. While I can be sad, I must also find reasons to smile. While I can be jealous of the first time mom who knows nothing of the pain I know, I must remember the day I got to hold our sweet girl, and remember that I would go back and do it again if it meant I got to kiss her little nose again. While I can be frustrated with the pregnant women who make choices during pregnancy that I did not make, and they get to take their babies home and I did not, I must remember that life is not fair, and the choices I will continue to make in this and future pregnancies will give my kids a greater quality of life and are worth the sacrifice.

If you have any other questions, from my pregnancy with Sofia, to a still-birth delivery, to pregnancy after loss, or follow-up questions to these, do not hesitate to ask. I feel a deep calling to help people with similar stories, and to educate those who are fortunate enough to never know this pain, but willing to learn more about it. 

Sidenote: The following is not so much a question, but a common misconception that I find myself having to clarify quite often. Sofia's cord was not around her neck. While cords around the neck can be somewhat common, Sofia's cord accident was completely different. Here is my attempt to clarify this less common, more dangerous type of cord accident. If you imagine where her cord connected to her belly, imagine a straw twisted and twisted until nothing can get through. That is what was wrong with her cord. Right at the base of the cord, the cord was so severely twisted that no fluids could pass through to her. Our doctors agree that this is not due to the movement of the baby (like a knot or a loop around the neck would be), but rather due to the way the cord formed from the beginning. Hopefully this sheds some light on the variety and severity of cord accidents. 

Why the Delayed Announcement?

Why did we wait so long to share the news?

This is a question even I cannot manage to answer. After delivering Sofia I remember saying that I was going to shout from the rooftops the minute we were pregnant again. I swore that I would not let a minute go by that the world wouldn't know I was pregnant, because you never know how few minutes one has. But, now that I was there, why couldn't I do it? My best attempt is to say that we were just not ready.

The delay in sharing our news in no way means we are not excited, or even that the fears outweigh the excitement. In the last 18 weeks we have generated an even longer baby name list, shopped for baby clothes (boy, girl and gender neutral), re-activated our registries, planned for our pregnancy announcement, baby announcement, and Christmas card, imagined what Christmas will be like this year with two little ones to celebrate, re-organized the baby room (including packing away all the hand-me-downs from big sister Sofia), Pinterested away with baby room decor ideas, read to baby, talked to baby, sang to baby, danced with baby, prayed over baby, told baby all about his big sister, and so much more. To say we are excited is an understatement. So why not share the news? Why not let this happiness and excitement into the lives of the wonderful people in our network? I don't know. I just know it feels...different.

Possible reasons:

Fear of letting people down again. Sharing Sofia's fate was incredibly hard to do. So many people were so invested in this little girl's life, and we had to crush all of those excitements and dreams for them. Lucky for me, Juan made most of the phone calls, and our moms and sisters also helped spread the news and field questions. Still, it felt like we had let so many people down.  Friends, families, coworkers, students. I don't want to do that again. If something were to happen in this pregnancy, we would surely share the news again. It is just, for some reason, it seems less painful to just break bad news to people rather than to build up hope and dreams, and then crush it later. When we were newly pregnant I swore I would go nine months without telling anyone if I could, out of fear of disappointing people again.

Self-Preservation/Protection. Sure, postponing sharing the news may also have been a way to protect myself. Maybe I've been putting a guard up as to not admit that I could possibly experience such a loss, and such pain, yet again. I don't know. I guess sharing the news makes it all more real (as if the nausea, bloat, and growing belly don't make it real enough hehe), and more real means more vulnerable, which means more possibility for pain.

Uncertainty of how people would react. We have been shown nothing but love and support since we delivered Sofia. We are surrounded by family, friends, coworkers, doctors, nurses and strangers who continue to support us and honor our little girl, which is why it baffles me that I was so unsure about how people would react. I guess I just hate to make people uncomfortable, and let's be real, it is an uncomfortable topic. Also, I was certain people would have a lot of questions, and I just wasn't sure if I was ready to field such questions. I am happy to say that every person we have shared the news with has responded with such a genuine love and excitement for us. People were excited when we announced we were pregnant a year ago, but it is different this time, deeper, more pure, there is just more to it. As for questions, everyone has asked such great questions, and answering them has been healing for me. Answering questions has been very empowering. It is hard to explain, but it feels good (hence a Frequently Asked Questions blog coming soon).  So thank you. Thanks for loving without judgement, and asking questions based in that love and curiosity. You trying to understand our situation means the world to me, and makes this journey so much less scary and lonely. As we started to share the news with more people, I became more and more certain I was ready to share with the world. Which leads to the next possible reason for holding the news...

Overwhelming feeling of love and support. This one is hard to explain. The love and support we have been showered with has played an essential role in our healing. On rough days I can go to Facebook or to this blog and see that our story has touched so many lives, and so many people are rooting for us. That is a wonderful feeling! However, it can also be overwhelming. Sometimes on rough days I need to stay as far away from Facebook as possible, or ignore texts and phone calls. Some days I just need to go through what I need to go through, with just my husband by my side, because he truly knows the story from the front row. Sometimes going through all of this so publicly is overwhelming. I would not change it though. From the beginning of this journey we committed to being open and honest along the way. We know that doing so can help so many others, and the bonus is the community of support our honesty has grown for us. But sometimes, all the love is overwhelming. Something that feels undeserved. Just thinking about it moves me to tears. People have helped us in ways I can only hope we can help others some day. Sometimes I feel guilty that I cannot repay the outpour of love. Now please don't read this and step back. We need all the support we can get. Just know that if I seem distant, or I don't respond, or you don't get a "Thank You" right away, I may just need some me time, but I'll be back for you to carry me through.

Preserving Sofia's Memory. This is probably the strongest and most recent feeling/fear. I guess part of me fears that by sharing the exciting news of this new baby, people would forget about Sofia, or think we've moved on and all is well. As much joy as this baby has reintroduced to our lives, it does not take away the pain we feel from our loss, nor does it lessen the love we have for our little girl. I still want people to ask about her, to say her name, to talk about her curls and her dimples. I want to celebrate and chat about this baby too, but I never want the conversations about our girl to stop.


So there ya have it... My long-winded attempt to explain why we waited so long to announce that Baby Boy Llamas will be here this December!

6 months

It's been 6 months since I kissed these cheeks and admired this nose. Six months since I held her in my arms for the first and last time. Six months since the best and most difficult day of my life.

Six months ago I would not have believed you if you told me I'd be happy again, that I'd find a way to get up every day and smile, but here I am, doing my best, one day at a time, and with a smile. Thank you to all that have accompanied us on this journey for the last six months. This journey is nowhere near over, and we will continue to need all the support and prayers we can get for as long as we live. It is funny how grief works. I've learned and accepted that my heart will never heal, but I will learn how to live with this beautiful scar.

Sofia, my sweet girl, not a day goes by that I don't think of you. I long to hold you, kiss you, and see you. I grow more and more proud of you each day. In 32 short weeks, you changed the world, something your daddy and I aim to do each day, and you continue to do so. I admire you, baby girl. Your strength to fight for life as long as you did, without a sign of struggle, and your power to inspire people even today, simply amazes me. The wisdom I've gained since you've been in my life cannot be expressed in words. You made me a mama, and you've proven to me that I am stronger than I ever imagined. You've inspired me to do more to make this world a better place. Through our network of family and friends, you have showered us in love, and shown us what a beautiful world this can be. You've made me and Daddy fall even more deeply in love, all over again. You've grown our hearts so big, you've given us emotions so intense. I never knew I could feel emotions the way I do now.  Thank you, sweet angel. Each day I strive to make you proud. You've given me new purpose in my life. I will forever share your story, and someday, I promise to do more for families with stories like ours. I don't know how or what it will look like,  but together, we will continue to speak up and hopefully bring comfort to those who are given a journey that looks different than they had planned. I'm so grateful to have you in my life and I look forward to the day I get to hold you in my arms again. I love you, baby girl.

A Mother's Day Post

No one could have prepared me for how difficult each passing holiday or celebration would be this year. I know these events will get easier, but this year, Sofia was supposed to be here for them, and I looked forward to spending them with her.

But oh how things have changed. While the thoughts of each 2015 holiday once excited me, they now consume me with grief and I dread them for weeks ahead.

Christmas, to my surprise, was not as awful as I thought it would be. We were still in such shock, and our family and friends embraced us in such love that we were okay. Plus, she was not supposed to be here for Christmas of 2014, since she was not due until February, so it was easier to accept.

Valentine's Day was harder. I took out the Valentine's Day outfit I bought her and stared at it all week. I even hugged it and talked to it at some point.

Lent was rough. As silly and selfish as it may sound, I had a hard time giving something up. Hadn't I sacrificed enough? This, I struggled with.

Easter was wonderful. The message of new life and resurrection brought me great comfort and hope. It was a great surprise after what a tough time I had during Lent.

My birthday was the hardest. I didn't want a birthday without her to hold. She was supposed to be there. We were supposed to host an in-home wine tasting and have our friends over to meet her. That was the plan, and I am not one to happily welcome a change in plans. Still, I survived. My sweet Sofia filled her Grammy's garden with beautiful sweet peas on my birthday, and her daddy made sure I was well taken care of. While heartbroken, I was able to feel grateful for the years that have passed, and hopeful for the years to come.

I know there will be more difficult events to come throughout the remainder of the year... I was supposed to spend my summer with her at the beach. We were supposed to introduce her to the family at a reunion this summer, and go on road trips this fall. She was supposed to be Batman (with a tutu) for Halloween, and get into the presents and the ornaments at Christmas (if we could even manage getting a tree with a little one around!). Living through these moments without my Sofia will be difficult, but if there is anything I have learned, it is that the anticipation of each event is usually much worse than living through the day itself.

This is especially true of this weekend's holiday... Mother's Day.  I had no idea how the anticipation of Mother's Day would completely consume me and make me feel like I've taken a huge step backward in my healing. Maybe I am extra emotional because I also happen to be fighting a horrible cold, and state testing has started, so work is a bit stressful, but the thought of Mother's Day, or anything baby, or anything family, or child related, instantly sends me into a downward spiral of grief and sorrow. Every Mother's Day commercial is a reminder that while I am a mother, I won't get any kisses from my daughter this Mother's Day, and that makes my heart ache more than it has in a while. This week, when I spoke to Sofia it was with tears in my eyes. I took an extra few minutes to stare at her hand and foot print, to sit in her room, to snuggle her stuffed giraffe, or to close my eyes and remember the feel of her soft cheeks on my lips and nose. I held onto my remembrance jewelry for strength and hope, and I prayed for the strength to live a life that makes her proud to call me mama. Every day after losing a child is hard, but the anticipation of Mother's Day, a Hallmark holiday, is ridiculously difficult.

So this year, while I hope all moms have a great Mother's Day, I will be praying extra prayers for moms who know the pain that my heart knows. This year, I pray for the mom who never got to hear that first cry and gasp for air, the mom who felt her baby's body go cold in her own two hands, who never got to change a diaper, wipe a tear, or give a bath. This year, I weep for the mom who never woke in the middle of the night to the sweet cries of her baby, but instead lies awake for hours on end, crying uncontrollably about the fate of her little one. I pray for the mom who did everything she could to keep her baby healthy during pregnancy, the one who took every precaution, and yet nature had different plans. I pray for these moms, and I hope you do too.

I pray that these women, broken and fragile, feel loved this weekend. I pray that they are surrounded by people who wish them a happy Mother's Day and use their babies' names. I pray that their little angels somehow find a way to bless their days, and that they live through the day with a smile. After all, these sweet angels made us mamas, and that is something to smile about. While our tax statements or census reports may not consider us mothers, we are, and forever will be. We know, just as much as any mom, the loving bond that forms between mother and child, even before birth. We know that being a mom can be the most joyous thing, the scariest thing, and the most heartbreaking thing all at once. I pray that we remember this during this Mother's Day, and always.


A child who lost both parents is an orphan. A wife who lost her husband is a widow. A husband who lost his wife is a widower. But there is no word for a mom who lost her child. Moms of loss are still moms.

I am a mom. As painful as it may be, this is my holiday too, and for Sofia, I will cherish it and honor her.

After writing this post I finally built up the courage to read some of the articles and blog posts I bookmarked earlier this week. For those interested in learning how to to better support those who have gone through loss, or to feel less alone if you are going through loss... read on... These are not specific to stillbirth, but to the loss of a child none-the-less.

A Mother's Day Letter to Grieving Moms 
Dealing with Mother's Day after the death of a child
Being the Mother of a Child Who Died -- On Mother's Day 

Sofia's Signs & Sense of Humor

Over the past couple months we have been thrilled to find that our little girl always finds a way into our lives. We have also come to learn that she has a silly sense of humor like her daddy and is surely in-cahoots with God in finding ways to make us laugh.  Here are some examples of how Sofia shines through in our lives.


The Twisted Tulip
Since the day we held Sofia in our arms, we have kept fresh flowers in our home. We keep them next to a framed photo of our hands, gifted to us from my mom, and a beautiful Guardian Willow Tree figurine gifted to us from my Aunt Kathy & Uncle Kevin. The first set of flowers I bought were some beautiful pink tulips.

When I plopped the tulips in a vase I noticed one little tulip that just did not want to stay up like the rest. When I pulled it out to readjust it, here is what I found.

A twisted stem, too twisted to allow this tulip to stand like the rest, but not so twisted to keep it from being a beautiful part of the bouquet. I instantly smiled, laughed out-loud, and then burst into tears, happy tears. It was as if Sofia was saying, "Hi Mama! I am right here and I'm okay!"





Mommy & Daddy's Date Night
After the business of Christmas and New Year's settled, Juan and I were ready for some us time.  I mean, aside from Juan going back to work, we had not been away from each other since the day we held Sofia, but we had been blessed with the company of many friends and family members, and the time we did spend together was usually talking, sharing where we were in the grieving process, and holding each other together (all very important parts of our healing). After a couple of weeks we decided that we were ready for a date night. Our plan was that I would pick Juan up from work, we would get dinner at one of our favorite local restaurants and then catch a movie. Little did we know, our little one had a different plan for us.

Right before I picked Juan up, the mortuary called him. It turns out, Sofia was a bit bigger than they thought she'd be, and her remains would not fit in the tiny urn we had originally selected. They needed us to come in and choose a different urn as soon as possible.  When Juan told me the news we both smiled at each other. There was no question about it, we were canceling our plans and taking care of our sweet girl. This is what it means to be parents, sometimes you must drop plans with no hesitation, because let's face it, your life is no longer yours. It didn't bother us one bit. It was a perfect reminder that although she may not be here for us to hold, we are her parents, and she can still control our lives! Thank you sweet girl, for reminding us of what it means to be parents. Thank you for letting us feel the joys, sacrifices, and sorrows of parenthood.

Jewelry Fiasco

I have been gifted with various beautiful pieces of jewelry to wear in remembrance of Sofia. Each day I get to choose a piece or two to wear as a reminder that she is always with me. One very special piece of jewelry is a bracelet from my mom seen here. One day, before getting our daily workout in, the bracelet fell out of my gym bag and onto Juan's office floor.  He spotted it and made some jokingly smart comment about me not being careful with such an important piece of jewelry. As I laughed and rolled my eyes at him I look on the floor under his office desk only to find... his wedding ring!  I returned the jokingly smart comment and we both laughed so hard! It was like little Miss Sofia was not going to let her daddy get away with teasing her mama like that. We got a great laugh and were once again reminded that this little one will always find her way into our day-to-day lives. 

The Spilled Briefcase
A part of working for a non profit means purchasing things out of pocket then submitting receipts for reimbursement. Juan decided to collect receipts so that he could submit them all together. Well, he can be so organized at times that it actually makes him unorganized, often forgetting where he placed all of his items...  like $193 worth of receipts.  One morning, while rushing to work, because we were already a few minutes behind schedule, Juan picks up his briefcase (in his head it's ever so graceful), only to watch its contents spill all over the floor, revealing the missing receipts. Juan had already resigned to "donating" (eating) the money and there they were all along.  With a sigh of relief he put them in a new safe spot, and thanked Sofia for knocking the briefcase out of his hands and saving us that money!

Ever So Sweet, Sweet Peas
Sofia blew us away with this next one, told beautifully in my sister's Facebook post on Sofia's due date.

On Sofia's due date, there was a single pink sweet pea in full bloom in my mom's garden, and another single pink sweet pea in full bloom in her neighbor's garden. Both were the first flowers of the season to bloom. What a beautiful message! God is good.

We are so amazed by the way God works to keep our little one in our lives. We are grateful for the way some of life's ordinary things now have such extraordinary meanings. We are humbled by the way our little angel will bless our lives forever. 

Sofia Fe Llamas, you never cease to amaze us. You truly are a flame of wisdom and faith, like your name says. God is so good. We are so proud of you and so grateful to be your parents. Thank you for always finding ways to make us smile. 

Physical Reminders, Emotional Pain

"Grief is a process of awareness, of making real inside the self an event that already occurred in reality outside."

-Parkes and Weiss

What is written below is my honest truth. While I am so grateful for the months I carried Sofia, I often feel betrayed by my body. After facing such a loss, why do I still have to face the physical pains of other postpartum moms? Why can't I be exempt from such reminders? These are the questions I try not to ask, but find them pushing themselves into my thoughts. These physical reminders, while painful reminders of loss, are reminders of my reality. I carried a baby. My baby is in heaven. I am still a mom. 

Tailbone & Back Pain 

As any woman who has carried a baby for months knows, your body does not just go back to normal.  I am convinced that after just seven months of things moving around to make way for baby, my body parts will never be fully back to where they started. I am okay with this, as hopefully this means that with the next baby, things won't have to move quite as much.  The tough part though, is dealing with the physical pain. While I had a very pleasant pregnancy, I did face some tailbone discomfort and some slight pain on the right side of my lower back. While pregnant it didn't bother me much. It seemed like a small price to pay for the great rewards that were in store for us. Now, home without my sweet girl, I still suffer from some tailbone and back pain from time to time, and it is much harder to come to terms with. While I am so grateful for the seven months we spent with Sofia, it feels a bit unfair that I am still experiencing this physical pain. I feel like the burden of the emotional pain I am suffering should make me exempt from the physical pain. The reality is my body changed for seven months and will take time to heal. Now I must try to adjust my thinking and see the pain as a reminder of the days I carried her, happy and excited, not as a reminder of the loss. If only it were so easy.

Stretch Marks 

Because I had to spend a few days engorged, waiting for my milk to dry up, I earned a few stretch marks on my left breast. Now that my boobs are back to a normal size, the marks are very small and light, but are still a reminder that she was here, and was supposed to be relieving my body of that painful amount of milk.  As painful as they are to see, these marks are also a reminder that my body can produce milk, and will be able to do so for our future babies. Still, there are some days when I see the marks and I just want to cry. Why must my body remind me of what I lost? Again, I have to work to change my thinking. They can be reminders of what I had, no, what I have, with Sofia. That is what I have to remember. Juan calls them, "Sofia's handprints." That thought makes me happy.

Weight & Body Shape

Every mom deals with postpartum body shape challenges. Like I said before, after months of changing, we don't just pop back into shape. Again, I feel like moms of loss should be exempt from this. We don't have a baby to hold and snuggle and distract us from our newly shaped body.  We can't hold our baby in front of our belly to hide the extra pounds in photos. We most likely didn't take our entire maternity leave, and therefore are forced back into work clothes sooner than our bodies are ready.  This has been the most difficult of physical reminders for me. While I know it is vain, I am really having a hard time accepting my new body. I am too small for maternity clothes, but too big to fit comfortably into most of my pre-pregnancy clothes, so I spend most days looking and feeling frumpy or fat. I have never been a tiny girl, but I like to think I have spent most of my adult years looking fairly healthy or fit. Now I feel overweight. My clothes don't fit right. I want to wear a sticker on my shirt that says, "Please forgive my belly pudge, I gave birth 2 months ago" since I can't stroll my baby around as proof of that. Still, I know it doesn't matter. My reality is that I did carry a baby for 7 months. I earned this new body. I should be proud of it. I should be thankful that I was able to have her for as long as I did. And I am... but still... it hurts.

Luckily, with the help of my motivated hubby (who has lost several pounds in the last month), and under the guidance of my fabulous sister-in-law (who is a certified Health Coach for prenatal and postnatal women, see Fit Moms Facebook Fit Moms Website) I am back in my pre-pregnancy jeans and getting close to my pre-pregnancy weight!  To be fair, the jeans don't quite fit like they used to, but they fit, and I can button them! Juan and I have started a great workout routine together, which not only gives us more energy and gets those positive endorphins going, but also forces us to get out of work sooner (and not work 10-12 hour days as often). Monet has worked with me on specific exercises that target the muscles that need rebuilding after being stretched during pregnancy. Although I don't feel or look quite the same in my pre-pregnancy clothes just yet, I am starting to feel stronger and more flexible again. This is important not only for my (vain) body image, but also because we hope to be pregnant in the coming months, and we want my body to be strong and healthy for our next pregnancy. I am so grateful for Juan and Monet. Without them I would be sitting on the couch eating Girl Scout Cookies and crying each day. I am grateful for their love and support in getting me strong and healthy, the kind of mama Sofia deserves.

And so, to keep my baby proud of her mama, I will push to change my perspective on these physical reminders. I will choose to see them as badges I wear to honor her. 

Medical Update

One of the first milestones we had to pass was our follow-up visit with Dr. Teng. We could not wait to see her, because at this appointment we would get the results of the many tests they ran on me and Sofia, as well as get our many questions answered.  We have found that many of our friends and family are curious about the medical side of what happened, but are sometimes afraid to ask. Hopefully the information provided here answers some questions, and puts some mamas/future mamas at ease. For me, while getting answers does not bring my precious baby back, it does bring me some comfort. The more I understand about the science and medical side, the more I can come to terms with what occurred.

Blood Tests

All blood tests came back normal. Sofia was perfectly healthy, and so was I. There was no sign of bacteria, virus, or infection present in either of us. 

Chromosome Test

Sofia's chromosome results came back with no signs of chromosomal abnormalities. This is quite a relief, as it confirms that this accident was not genetic, and therefore is very unlikely to happen again.

Placenta Culture

This test showed that the placenta was completely healthy. It was properly formed with no sign of infection.

Umbilical Cord Results

As predicted by our doctor on the day of our delivery, this is where we got our answers. The analysis came back confirming a severe left twist in the umbilical cord. This twist prevented the necessary nutrients from passing through. While this was obvious to the naked eye at delivery, we are grateful to have it confirmed by medical analysis. 

Questions About Twisted Cords

Getting answers somehow led to more questions.  Here is what we learned...

Umbilical cords are difficult to see in ultrasounds. We had a 4D ultrasound less than two weeks before we lost Sofia, and the technician did not see any issues with the umbilical cord. Even if there had been signs to lead us to look more closely at the umbilical cord, it is highly unlikely that anything would have been detected. Sofia's cord was twisted the tightest right at her belly. A normal ultrasound machine would not be able to help with detecting this twist.

No one seems to know why some cords twist more than others. Some cords hardly twist at all, and others can be quite curly, doctors cannot explain why.  Our doctor believes that the cord formed this way, while other doctors believe that her movement caused the severe twist. The only thing all doctors agree upon here, is that there is not enough research on umbilical cord accidents.  For being the lifeline to the mother, it seems totally crazy that there isn't more research on them.

Looking Ahead

As much as we hate the word, the best way to describe this accident is to call it a "fluke." We don't know what caused the umbilical cord to twist this way, but it did. While there is nothing we can do differently to prevent this from happening again, our doctor seems to think that another occurrence is highly unlikely, and she has a plan to keep our minds at ease during future pregnancies.   

When we are pregnant again, we will begin to see a specialist around 20 weeks. The specialist will use Doppler technology to measure the amount of fluid passing through the cord. Our doctor will also see us more often, and perform more ultrasounds for peace of mind. We are so grateful for this, but our doctor was very honest, stating that all of these extras are "for peace of mind."  She made it very clear that if something is detected, there is no guarantee of a different outcome. If something is detected, it is possible that I will be hospitalized. Even so, there is no guarantee to a different outcome. 

Still, we are hopeful. We are hopeful that this cord issue truly was a "fluke". While the thought of being pregnant again scares me to death, there is nothing I want more.  As for trying again... we must wait until my body gets through a couple normal cycles. So for now, we pray for patience and we trust that we will find ourselves pregnant again when our hearts and my body are ready.

Medical Bills

Bills, bills, and more bills! As one can imagine, all of these extra tests mean a whole bunch of extra bills.  We had no idea how many tests were needed, and that each test gets sent to a different specialist, meaning a different bill. There is nothing like sitting at the kitchen table surrounded by bills, on hold with insurance, then different labs, then back on the phone with insurance again, all while having no baby to hold at the end of the day. These bills were like salt in the wound.

Luckily, my sister, Cami set up a GoFundMe account back in December. When she first started the fund we felt uncomfortable about it. Now, as we pay off these bills with no baby to snuggle at home, we are very grateful. We have been humbled by the outpouring of generosity from family, friends, and even strangers. The fund should cover almost half of our medical expenses from conception to cremation. Each dollar helps us feel more financially able to pay off these bills and more prepared to cover the bills for our next pregnancy (which will be filled with extra precautionary procedures = greater expenses). We are so grateful for the help of our network of amazing people. There are no words to express our gratitude.

"The death of a child is the single most traumatic event in medicine. To lose a child is to lose a piece of yourself."  

-Dr. Burton Grebin

Blessings to Celebrate from 2014

 "You guys are so strong."

"How are you guys so strong?"

We hear these words often lately.  We don't always feel very strong, and we too look back on December 18th and wonder, "How are we still here? How are we going to continue to get through this?"  There are no easy answers to these questions, but the way I see it is that every day we have a choice. We can choose to stay in bed, cry, and dwell on what could have been, or we can get out of bed, wipe up our tears and find hope and peace in what IS and what will be. Trust me, this choice is not an easy one to make, and some days I find I have to make this choice several times a day, but I will do it. Between the tears, I will choose to count our blessings.

Blessings to Celebrate from 2014

• Juan and I both had a great year professionally.  He opened a new YMCA at the Wellness Center at the Historic General Hospital, and I started coaching an apprentice teacher. We both traveled quite a bit for work as well, reigniting our passions for the work that we do, and becoming better masters in our crafts. 
• When the time was right for us to start building a family, we learned that we can (and did) conceive. So many couples struggle to conceive, and we are grateful that our bodies allowed us to get one step closer to our dream of a family.
• I had an amazing pregnancy. Friends, coworkers, and even my doctor commented on how my body was made to grow babies. I was told I made pregnancy look easy and every check-up showed signs of a healthy baby.  I loved being pregnant, and my body seemed to be doing everything it needed to for baby to grow and for me to remain healthy and feeling good.
• We started living a healthier life. In baby's best interest (and because I am a worrier), I switched us over to organic produce and organic cleaning products. I even changed most of my beauty products. We ate a very balanced diet, filled with powerful pregnancy foods.  Juan even joined me in quitting coffee completely! While I learned I cannot control everything nature will throw at me during subsequent pregnancies, we have decided that these lifestyle changes benefited Sofia, and will continue to benefit us and our future babies. We will continue following these healthier life choices. 
• We were blessed with a baby girl. Both of our families were long overdue for a new little lady, so we were all overjoyed when we found out Baby Llamas was a girl! We had so much fun sharing the news of our little one and enjoyed shopping for adorable outfits and decorating her room.
• We became parents. Each day came with new excitements and the occasional new fear.  We learned the feeling of unconditional love. Who would have thought we could love someone so small, in such a short amount of time? For 32 weeks we fell more in love with her, and with each other, and continue to do so as we learn from her and what we have experienced.
• Upon delivering Sofia, we learned that the cause of her passing was an umbilical cord accident. This brought us some relief. It was not a genetic disorder. It was not a virus. It was not a chromosome problem. It was nothing that could have been prevented, detected, nor fixed. It was an accident. I did not cause it. My body did not cause it. The environment did not cause it. Genetics did not cause it. It was an accident. 
• Since her delivery, we have done some research and learned that the cause of death is left unknown in more than half of all stillbirths.  Although it was heartbreaking to see her umbilical cord twisted so tightly at the base of her belly, we are grateful that the cause of her death was so clear. Knowing the cause helps us have closure, heal, and have hope for the future. (We still do not know why the cord got so twisted. That is something we may never know. There is not much research on the subject, and we are still waiting for lab results from the blood that they drew that day. All we know is babies move around a lot in the womb, and our little dancer loved to twirl.)
• We are surrounded by love. Our parents. Our siblings. Our grandparents. Our aunts and uncles. Our cousins. Our friends. Our coworkers. Our acquaintances. Our doctor and nurses. Friends from years ago. Friends of friends. Complete strangers. We are surrounded by love. Every phone call, every Facebook message, every card, every text, every prayer, every flower, every gift, every meal, and every hug has held us up and pushed us along this path of healing. People have opened up and shared their own stories with us, giving us strength and hope. People have thanked us for sharing our story, which reminds us that we are on this journey together. People have not only reached out to us, but to our families, bringing comfort and spreading love. What great reminders that we are not alone.
• We have been given new wisdom. We have learned more than I can put into words here. About ourselves as individuals, about us as a couple, about our priorities, goals, and values. About life and how precious it is. She has taught us these things. With this new wisdom, we will live better lives. Sofia has changed our perspective, and for this we are forever grateful.
• We have a deepened faith. I always thought an experience like this would shatter my faith, yet somehow, I continue to turn toward God to get us through this. In fact, I do believe that our day with Sofia brought me closer to Him. He was in that room that day and has blessed me with His grace and held me in His arms each and every day since then.  With that, we continue to be faithful.

Sofia: wisdom

Fe: faith

Llamas: flames

She truly is our flame of wisdom and faith, our greatest gift of 2014.

With all of this and more to celebrate from 2014, we look to 2015 with great hope and excitement and believe there will, once again, be much to celebrate.

Happy New Year!