Sofia's Signs & Sense of Humor

Over the past couple months we have been thrilled to find that our little girl always finds a way into our lives. We have also come to learn that she has a silly sense of humor like her daddy and is surely in-cahoots with God in finding ways to make us laugh.  Here are some examples of how Sofia shines through in our lives.


The Twisted Tulip
Since the day we held Sofia in our arms, we have kept fresh flowers in our home. We keep them next to a framed photo of our hands, gifted to us from my mom, and a beautiful Guardian Willow Tree figurine gifted to us from my Aunt Kathy & Uncle Kevin. The first set of flowers I bought were some beautiful pink tulips.

When I plopped the tulips in a vase I noticed one little tulip that just did not want to stay up like the rest. When I pulled it out to readjust it, here is what I found.

A twisted stem, too twisted to allow this tulip to stand like the rest, but not so twisted to keep it from being a beautiful part of the bouquet. I instantly smiled, laughed out-loud, and then burst into tears, happy tears. It was as if Sofia was saying, "Hi Mama! I am right here and I'm okay!"





Mommy & Daddy's Date Night
After the business of Christmas and New Year's settled, Juan and I were ready for some us time.  I mean, aside from Juan going back to work, we had not been away from each other since the day we held Sofia, but we had been blessed with the company of many friends and family members, and the time we did spend together was usually talking, sharing where we were in the grieving process, and holding each other together (all very important parts of our healing). After a couple of weeks we decided that we were ready for a date night. Our plan was that I would pick Juan up from work, we would get dinner at one of our favorite local restaurants and then catch a movie. Little did we know, our little one had a different plan for us.

Right before I picked Juan up, the mortuary called him. It turns out, Sofia was a bit bigger than they thought she'd be, and her remains would not fit in the tiny urn we had originally selected. They needed us to come in and choose a different urn as soon as possible.  When Juan told me the news we both smiled at each other. There was no question about it, we were canceling our plans and taking care of our sweet girl. This is what it means to be parents, sometimes you must drop plans with no hesitation, because let's face it, your life is no longer yours. It didn't bother us one bit. It was a perfect reminder that although she may not be here for us to hold, we are her parents, and she can still control our lives! Thank you sweet girl, for reminding us of what it means to be parents. Thank you for letting us feel the joys, sacrifices, and sorrows of parenthood.

Jewelry Fiasco

I have been gifted with various beautiful pieces of jewelry to wear in remembrance of Sofia. Each day I get to choose a piece or two to wear as a reminder that she is always with me. One very special piece of jewelry is a bracelet from my mom seen here. One day, before getting our daily workout in, the bracelet fell out of my gym bag and onto Juan's office floor.  He spotted it and made some jokingly smart comment about me not being careful with such an important piece of jewelry. As I laughed and rolled my eyes at him I look on the floor under his office desk only to find... his wedding ring!  I returned the jokingly smart comment and we both laughed so hard! It was like little Miss Sofia was not going to let her daddy get away with teasing her mama like that. We got a great laugh and were once again reminded that this little one will always find her way into our day-to-day lives. 

The Spilled Briefcase
A part of working for a non profit means purchasing things out of pocket then submitting receipts for reimbursement. Juan decided to collect receipts so that he could submit them all together. Well, he can be so organized at times that it actually makes him unorganized, often forgetting where he placed all of his items...  like $193 worth of receipts.  One morning, while rushing to work, because we were already a few minutes behind schedule, Juan picks up his briefcase (in his head it's ever so graceful), only to watch its contents spill all over the floor, revealing the missing receipts. Juan had already resigned to "donating" (eating) the money and there they were all along.  With a sigh of relief he put them in a new safe spot, and thanked Sofia for knocking the briefcase out of his hands and saving us that money!

Ever So Sweet, Sweet Peas
Sofia blew us away with this next one, told beautifully in my sister's Facebook post on Sofia's due date.

On Sofia's due date, there was a single pink sweet pea in full bloom in my mom's garden, and another single pink sweet pea in full bloom in her neighbor's garden. Both were the first flowers of the season to bloom. What a beautiful message! God is good.

We are so amazed by the way God works to keep our little one in our lives. We are grateful for the way some of life's ordinary things now have such extraordinary meanings. We are humbled by the way our little angel will bless our lives forever. 

Sofia Fe Llamas, you never cease to amaze us. You truly are a flame of wisdom and faith, like your name says. God is so good. We are so proud of you and so grateful to be your parents. Thank you for always finding ways to make us smile. 

Physical Reminders, Emotional Pain

"Grief is a process of awareness, of making real inside the self an event that already occurred in reality outside."

-Parkes and Weiss

What is written below is my honest truth. While I am so grateful for the months I carried Sofia, I often feel betrayed by my body. After facing such a loss, why do I still have to face the physical pains of other postpartum moms? Why can't I be exempt from such reminders? These are the questions I try not to ask, but find them pushing themselves into my thoughts. These physical reminders, while painful reminders of loss, are reminders of my reality. I carried a baby. My baby is in heaven. I am still a mom. 

Tailbone & Back Pain 

As any woman who has carried a baby for months knows, your body does not just go back to normal.  I am convinced that after just seven months of things moving around to make way for baby, my body parts will never be fully back to where they started. I am okay with this, as hopefully this means that with the next baby, things won't have to move quite as much.  The tough part though, is dealing with the physical pain. While I had a very pleasant pregnancy, I did face some tailbone discomfort and some slight pain on the right side of my lower back. While pregnant it didn't bother me much. It seemed like a small price to pay for the great rewards that were in store for us. Now, home without my sweet girl, I still suffer from some tailbone and back pain from time to time, and it is much harder to come to terms with. While I am so grateful for the seven months we spent with Sofia, it feels a bit unfair that I am still experiencing this physical pain. I feel like the burden of the emotional pain I am suffering should make me exempt from the physical pain. The reality is my body changed for seven months and will take time to heal. Now I must try to adjust my thinking and see the pain as a reminder of the days I carried her, happy and excited, not as a reminder of the loss. If only it were so easy.

Stretch Marks 

Because I had to spend a few days engorged, waiting for my milk to dry up, I earned a few stretch marks on my left breast. Now that my boobs are back to a normal size, the marks are very small and light, but are still a reminder that she was here, and was supposed to be relieving my body of that painful amount of milk.  As painful as they are to see, these marks are also a reminder that my body can produce milk, and will be able to do so for our future babies. Still, there are some days when I see the marks and I just want to cry. Why must my body remind me of what I lost? Again, I have to work to change my thinking. They can be reminders of what I had, no, what I have, with Sofia. That is what I have to remember. Juan calls them, "Sofia's handprints." That thought makes me happy.

Weight & Body Shape

Every mom deals with postpartum body shape challenges. Like I said before, after months of changing, we don't just pop back into shape. Again, I feel like moms of loss should be exempt from this. We don't have a baby to hold and snuggle and distract us from our newly shaped body.  We can't hold our baby in front of our belly to hide the extra pounds in photos. We most likely didn't take our entire maternity leave, and therefore are forced back into work clothes sooner than our bodies are ready.  This has been the most difficult of physical reminders for me. While I know it is vain, I am really having a hard time accepting my new body. I am too small for maternity clothes, but too big to fit comfortably into most of my pre-pregnancy clothes, so I spend most days looking and feeling frumpy or fat. I have never been a tiny girl, but I like to think I have spent most of my adult years looking fairly healthy or fit. Now I feel overweight. My clothes don't fit right. I want to wear a sticker on my shirt that says, "Please forgive my belly pudge, I gave birth 2 months ago" since I can't stroll my baby around as proof of that. Still, I know it doesn't matter. My reality is that I did carry a baby for 7 months. I earned this new body. I should be proud of it. I should be thankful that I was able to have her for as long as I did. And I am... but still... it hurts.

Luckily, with the help of my motivated hubby (who has lost several pounds in the last month), and under the guidance of my fabulous sister-in-law (who is a certified Health Coach for prenatal and postnatal women, see Fit Moms Facebook Fit Moms Website) I am back in my pre-pregnancy jeans and getting close to my pre-pregnancy weight!  To be fair, the jeans don't quite fit like they used to, but they fit, and I can button them! Juan and I have started a great workout routine together, which not only gives us more energy and gets those positive endorphins going, but also forces us to get out of work sooner (and not work 10-12 hour days as often). Monet has worked with me on specific exercises that target the muscles that need rebuilding after being stretched during pregnancy. Although I don't feel or look quite the same in my pre-pregnancy clothes just yet, I am starting to feel stronger and more flexible again. This is important not only for my (vain) body image, but also because we hope to be pregnant in the coming months, and we want my body to be strong and healthy for our next pregnancy. I am so grateful for Juan and Monet. Without them I would be sitting on the couch eating Girl Scout Cookies and crying each day. I am grateful for their love and support in getting me strong and healthy, the kind of mama Sofia deserves.

And so, to keep my baby proud of her mama, I will push to change my perspective on these physical reminders. I will choose to see them as badges I wear to honor her. 

Medical Update

One of the first milestones we had to pass was our follow-up visit with Dr. Teng. We could not wait to see her, because at this appointment we would get the results of the many tests they ran on me and Sofia, as well as get our many questions answered.  We have found that many of our friends and family are curious about the medical side of what happened, but are sometimes afraid to ask. Hopefully the information provided here answers some questions, and puts some mamas/future mamas at ease. For me, while getting answers does not bring my precious baby back, it does bring me some comfort. The more I understand about the science and medical side, the more I can come to terms with what occurred.

Blood Tests

All blood tests came back normal. Sofia was perfectly healthy, and so was I. There was no sign of bacteria, virus, or infection present in either of us. 

Chromosome Test

Sofia's chromosome results came back with no signs of chromosomal abnormalities. This is quite a relief, as it confirms that this accident was not genetic, and therefore is very unlikely to happen again.

Placenta Culture

This test showed that the placenta was completely healthy. It was properly formed with no sign of infection.

Umbilical Cord Results

As predicted by our doctor on the day of our delivery, this is where we got our answers. The analysis came back confirming a severe left twist in the umbilical cord. This twist prevented the necessary nutrients from passing through. While this was obvious to the naked eye at delivery, we are grateful to have it confirmed by medical analysis. 

Questions About Twisted Cords

Getting answers somehow led to more questions.  Here is what we learned...

Umbilical cords are difficult to see in ultrasounds. We had a 4D ultrasound less than two weeks before we lost Sofia, and the technician did not see any issues with the umbilical cord. Even if there had been signs to lead us to look more closely at the umbilical cord, it is highly unlikely that anything would have been detected. Sofia's cord was twisted the tightest right at her belly. A normal ultrasound machine would not be able to help with detecting this twist.

No one seems to know why some cords twist more than others. Some cords hardly twist at all, and others can be quite curly, doctors cannot explain why.  Our doctor believes that the cord formed this way, while other doctors believe that her movement caused the severe twist. The only thing all doctors agree upon here, is that there is not enough research on umbilical cord accidents.  For being the lifeline to the mother, it seems totally crazy that there isn't more research on them.

Looking Ahead

As much as we hate the word, the best way to describe this accident is to call it a "fluke." We don't know what caused the umbilical cord to twist this way, but it did. While there is nothing we can do differently to prevent this from happening again, our doctor seems to think that another occurrence is highly unlikely, and she has a plan to keep our minds at ease during future pregnancies.   

When we are pregnant again, we will begin to see a specialist around 20 weeks. The specialist will use Doppler technology to measure the amount of fluid passing through the cord. Our doctor will also see us more often, and perform more ultrasounds for peace of mind. We are so grateful for this, but our doctor was very honest, stating that all of these extras are "for peace of mind."  She made it very clear that if something is detected, there is no guarantee of a different outcome. If something is detected, it is possible that I will be hospitalized. Even so, there is no guarantee to a different outcome. 

Still, we are hopeful. We are hopeful that this cord issue truly was a "fluke". While the thought of being pregnant again scares me to death, there is nothing I want more.  As for trying again... we must wait until my body gets through a couple normal cycles. So for now, we pray for patience and we trust that we will find ourselves pregnant again when our hearts and my body are ready.

Medical Bills

Bills, bills, and more bills! As one can imagine, all of these extra tests mean a whole bunch of extra bills.  We had no idea how many tests were needed, and that each test gets sent to a different specialist, meaning a different bill. There is nothing like sitting at the kitchen table surrounded by bills, on hold with insurance, then different labs, then back on the phone with insurance again, all while having no baby to hold at the end of the day. These bills were like salt in the wound.

Luckily, my sister, Cami set up a GoFundMe account back in December. When she first started the fund we felt uncomfortable about it. Now, as we pay off these bills with no baby to snuggle at home, we are very grateful. We have been humbled by the outpouring of generosity from family, friends, and even strangers. The fund should cover almost half of our medical expenses from conception to cremation. Each dollar helps us feel more financially able to pay off these bills and more prepared to cover the bills for our next pregnancy (which will be filled with extra precautionary procedures = greater expenses). We are so grateful for the help of our network of amazing people. There are no words to express our gratitude.

"The death of a child is the single most traumatic event in medicine. To lose a child is to lose a piece of yourself."  

-Dr. Burton Grebin