Why the Delayed Announcement?

Why did we wait so long to share the news?

This is a question even I cannot manage to answer. After delivering Sofia I remember saying that I was going to shout from the rooftops the minute we were pregnant again. I swore that I would not let a minute go by that the world wouldn't know I was pregnant, because you never know how few minutes one has. But, now that I was there, why couldn't I do it? My best attempt is to say that we were just not ready.

The delay in sharing our news in no way means we are not excited, or even that the fears outweigh the excitement. In the last 18 weeks we have generated an even longer baby name list, shopped for baby clothes (boy, girl and gender neutral), re-activated our registries, planned for our pregnancy announcement, baby announcement, and Christmas card, imagined what Christmas will be like this year with two little ones to celebrate, re-organized the baby room (including packing away all the hand-me-downs from big sister Sofia), Pinterested away with baby room decor ideas, read to baby, talked to baby, sang to baby, danced with baby, prayed over baby, told baby all about his big sister, and so much more. To say we are excited is an understatement. So why not share the news? Why not let this happiness and excitement into the lives of the wonderful people in our network? I don't know. I just know it feels...different.

Possible reasons:

Fear of letting people down again. Sharing Sofia's fate was incredibly hard to do. So many people were so invested in this little girl's life, and we had to crush all of those excitements and dreams for them. Lucky for me, Juan made most of the phone calls, and our moms and sisters also helped spread the news and field questions. Still, it felt like we had let so many people down.  Friends, families, coworkers, students. I don't want to do that again. If something were to happen in this pregnancy, we would surely share the news again. It is just, for some reason, it seems less painful to just break bad news to people rather than to build up hope and dreams, and then crush it later. When we were newly pregnant I swore I would go nine months without telling anyone if I could, out of fear of disappointing people again.

Self-Preservation/Protection. Sure, postponing sharing the news may also have been a way to protect myself. Maybe I've been putting a guard up as to not admit that I could possibly experience such a loss, and such pain, yet again. I don't know. I guess sharing the news makes it all more real (as if the nausea, bloat, and growing belly don't make it real enough hehe), and more real means more vulnerable, which means more possibility for pain.

Uncertainty of how people would react. We have been shown nothing but love and support since we delivered Sofia. We are surrounded by family, friends, coworkers, doctors, nurses and strangers who continue to support us and honor our little girl, which is why it baffles me that I was so unsure about how people would react. I guess I just hate to make people uncomfortable, and let's be real, it is an uncomfortable topic. Also, I was certain people would have a lot of questions, and I just wasn't sure if I was ready to field such questions. I am happy to say that every person we have shared the news with has responded with such a genuine love and excitement for us. People were excited when we announced we were pregnant a year ago, but it is different this time, deeper, more pure, there is just more to it. As for questions, everyone has asked such great questions, and answering them has been healing for me. Answering questions has been very empowering. It is hard to explain, but it feels good (hence a Frequently Asked Questions blog coming soon).  So thank you. Thanks for loving without judgement, and asking questions based in that love and curiosity. You trying to understand our situation means the world to me, and makes this journey so much less scary and lonely. As we started to share the news with more people, I became more and more certain I was ready to share with the world. Which leads to the next possible reason for holding the news...

Overwhelming feeling of love and support. This one is hard to explain. The love and support we have been showered with has played an essential role in our healing. On rough days I can go to Facebook or to this blog and see that our story has touched so many lives, and so many people are rooting for us. That is a wonderful feeling! However, it can also be overwhelming. Sometimes on rough days I need to stay as far away from Facebook as possible, or ignore texts and phone calls. Some days I just need to go through what I need to go through, with just my husband by my side, because he truly knows the story from the front row. Sometimes going through all of this so publicly is overwhelming. I would not change it though. From the beginning of this journey we committed to being open and honest along the way. We know that doing so can help so many others, and the bonus is the community of support our honesty has grown for us. But sometimes, all the love is overwhelming. Something that feels undeserved. Just thinking about it moves me to tears. People have helped us in ways I can only hope we can help others some day. Sometimes I feel guilty that I cannot repay the outpour of love. Now please don't read this and step back. We need all the support we can get. Just know that if I seem distant, or I don't respond, or you don't get a "Thank You" right away, I may just need some me time, but I'll be back for you to carry me through.

Preserving Sofia's Memory. This is probably the strongest and most recent feeling/fear. I guess part of me fears that by sharing the exciting news of this new baby, people would forget about Sofia, or think we've moved on and all is well. As much joy as this baby has reintroduced to our lives, it does not take away the pain we feel from our loss, nor does it lessen the love we have for our little girl. I still want people to ask about her, to say her name, to talk about her curls and her dimples. I want to celebrate and chat about this baby too, but I never want the conversations about our girl to stop.


So there ya have it... My long-winded attempt to explain why we waited so long to announce that Baby Boy Llamas will be here this December!