Frequently Asked Questions

Now that the news is public, I thought I'd take some time to record my answers to many frequently asked questions. I will be honest, answering questions is quite therapeutic for me. It helps me process my experiences and my emotions, and it shows such empathy from those around. If you have other questions, please reach out to me. No question is too personal or off limits. Some are easier to answer than others, but if it comes up in your head, I probably have already asked it of myself. Ask me anything.

Did you plan to get pregnant this soon?
Yes. As soon as we were given the go from the doctor, we knew we were ready to try. Once given the go, we realized that depending on our timing, we could end up with a baby on/near Sofia's delivery date or due date. We did not want to deliver on Sofia's delivery date, as we want that day to always be special for her. Therefore we knew we wanted a date at least 2 weeks before or a month or more after. While a similar due date won't bother me for future pregnancies, I feared that hitting all the same milestones at all the same times of the year with this next baby, would be too deja vu for me. I wasn't too keen on having a 32 week appointment exactly a year from Sofia's 32 week appointment. So that left us two options: try right away and get a due date two and a half weeks before we delivered Sofia, or wait at least 3 more months. Three months felt like a lifetime away (see next question for more) so we gave our luck a try. We both were not too confident that we'd conceive right away. My cycles were still a bit longer and irregular, and therefore harder to track to get the timing right. Lucky for us we proved to be quite fertile once again (something we are so grateful for)!

How did you know you were ready to try again, especially when in such a fragile state?
It may seem insensitive, but one of the first questions we asked the doctor was when we would be able to try again. This takes nothing away from our love for Sofia. Sofia 100% is responsible for us becoming parents. Sure, there will be several firsts that we experience with our next baby, but Sofia has shaped the way we are as parents in ways I cannot even explain. Also, we are 100% certain that having our next baby will not take away the pain we feel from Sofia's loss. Our hearts are forever changed by her absence. A new baby will in no way replace her or fill the gap in our hearts. We know that. However, we still dream of being parents to a living child. This dream has not gone away. A new baby can make this dream a reality. As any couple who has started trying to conceive knows, once you are ready to parent a living baby, you are ready. Waiting can be frustrating and heartbreaking. We've been ready for sometime. Our time to parent a living child has just been delayed a bit, and we are now learning to parent one we cannot hold. But that doesn't mean we have to give up that dream.

That being said, had we been given the go in January, we would not have tried. We did need some time. I went through a brief stage in which I feared I would never be happy again. I did not want my future kids to have an eternally sad mother, and therefore I thought maybe we shouldn't try for any more. Those thoughts did not last long as I realized that would be unfair to my sweet angel. She deserves to be honored by a mother who can find ways to smile and be the best darn mama she can be to all of her children, on Earth or in Heaven. As the days passed I was able to smile real smiles and find joy in each day. My sweet Sofia helped me get there, and continues to do so today.

Now that I am well into the second trimester, I am so grateful we got pregnant when we did. By the time we conceived I had worked through a lot of emotions and grief. I had come to many realizations and accepted our new reality as a family. I had time to find resources on becoming pregnant again after loss, and started to prepare myself for what was to come. I had just enough time to expose myself to it all before we were pregnant. Now I know that had we waited much longer, had I done more reading or research on pregnancy after loss, I may have chickened out. Sometimes not knowing the realities to come makes it easier to be brave. If I'd taken too much time thinking about what it would be like to be pregnant after loss I probably would have wanted to put it off for a few years. I'm glad that is not the case. The best way to deal with fear is to face it, not to avoid it and let it grow.

But what about the baby weight? You worked so hard to get it off!
This is true. I worked my butt off to get as close to my pre-pregnancy weight as possible as quickly as I could. Let me let you in on a little secret... the real reason for that was so that I could become pregnant again. While it was not necessary to get down to my previous weight to get pregnant again, the doctor did advise that it would make my next pregnancy more comfortable on my body. That made sense to me. Starting at a higher weight would mean ending at a higher weight which would mean more achy bones and muscles due to the extra weight being carried around. Also, let's not forget that I am now committing my body to 16+ months of pregnancy in a 19 month span. That's a lot on a body! I want to be sure I keep it as healthy and strong as I can through all of these changes. Luckily, with the help and guidance of my sister-in-law, the motivation of my hubby, and a membership to a prenatal yoga class, I am confident that I will come out of this second pregnancy even stronger and healthier than before I was pregnant with Sofia.   

How will you be monitored differently this time around?
At 18 weeks we got to see a perinatologist for the first time. In addition to checking all vital organs and measuring all body parts, the specialist closely examined the umbilical cord. We were able to not only see the fluids traveling in and out through the cord, but also hear them. It was pretty amazing. Right now, everything looks perfectly normal and healthy. We will visit our normal OB every four weeks as usual, and go back to the specialist at twenty-two weeks. As for future appointments, a lot will depend on what they find as we go. Tentatively speaking, it sounds like we will start kick counts at 28 weeks and then go in twice a week starting at 31 weeks just to check the heartbeat (mainly to ease this anxious pregnant mommy's mind). 

To be honest, I would have gone in once a week since we conceived if they let me, but as Juan reminds me, we are lucky that we are not considered high risk in that way.  What happened with Sofia's cord is likely to be an isolated incident, not something genetic, and for that we should be grateful.

Fortunately, I do not have any additional restrictions. I can exercise as usual, and continue with my normal activities. For that I am grateful. Of course, I am still crazy paranoid and overcautious, but at least I know the doctors don't think I need to be.

How are you feeling? 
This is always a funny question for me. Ever since delivering Sofia, I never know if people mean "physically" or "emotionally" because, let's be real, pregnancy and delivering a human make you feel wacky both physically and emotionally. So I guess I will answer both...


Physically speaking, I've felt pretty good all along. Sure I've got sore boobs, stretching uterus cramps, an insane sense of smell (not good when you teach stinky middle-schoolers and/or middle-schoolers who use Axe), I cannot brush my teeth without gagging, I'm totally bloated all the time and eternally exhausted, but I love it. I adopted the phrase "Happy to be feeling crappy" during my first trimester. These are all the same symptoms I had with Sofia (although the exhaustion is heightened due to dealing with grief and teaching during this time... with Sofia I was pregnant right before school got out, so I was able to rest a lot more). It feels good to be pregnant again. Yes pregnancy comes with a lot of physical challenges, but it is worth it. I am so grateful that I am able to get pregnant. I will take these minor side effects. (Also... I think I have it pretty easy compared to some women when it comes to the first trimester.)

Emotionally? I am a hot mess. There will be several blog posts all about this. It is insane how you can be so happy and yet so sad all at the same time, not to mention the fear and anxiety. Add pregnancy hormones to all of these contradictory emotions and you've got... well... me. I go from crying happy tears to balling uncontrollably in a split second. One minute I'm driving home from work singing along with the radio, and the next I am pulled over on the side of the freeway shaking as I cry and scream that I just want to hold Sofia. I know if it weren't for her I wouldn't have this little bundle, but, I want them both! Is that too much to ask?!?! Sometimes I see a pregnant woman and smile, other times I instantly hate her and her innocence about pregnancy (even without knowing her or her story!) and then I am filled with guilt for having such horrible thoughts!

I'm a mess, but I am okay with that. I let myself feel everything I need to feel. All of these thoughts and feelings are "normal" and part of my journey. I just have to check myself and my thoughts. While I can be scared, I cannot let it own me, I must also be hopeful. While I can be angry, I cannot let it stay, I must too be grateful. While I can be sad, I must also find reasons to smile. While I can be jealous of the first time mom who knows nothing of the pain I know, I must remember the day I got to hold our sweet girl, and remember that I would go back and do it again if it meant I got to kiss her little nose again. While I can be frustrated with the pregnant women who make choices during pregnancy that I did not make, and they get to take their babies home and I did not, I must remember that life is not fair, and the choices I will continue to make in this and future pregnancies will give my kids a greater quality of life and are worth the sacrifice.

If you have any other questions, from my pregnancy with Sofia, to a still-birth delivery, to pregnancy after loss, or follow-up questions to these, do not hesitate to ask. I feel a deep calling to help people with similar stories, and to educate those who are fortunate enough to never know this pain, but willing to learn more about it. 

Sidenote: The following is not so much a question, but a common misconception that I find myself having to clarify quite often. Sofia's cord was not around her neck. While cords around the neck can be somewhat common, Sofia's cord accident was completely different. Here is my attempt to clarify this less common, more dangerous type of cord accident. If you imagine where her cord connected to her belly, imagine a straw twisted and twisted until nothing can get through. That is what was wrong with her cord. Right at the base of the cord, the cord was so severely twisted that no fluids could pass through to her. Our doctors agree that this is not due to the movement of the baby (like a knot or a loop around the neck would be), but rather due to the way the cord formed from the beginning. Hopefully this sheds some light on the variety and severity of cord accidents.