Since we delivered Sofia we were both pretty adamant about wanting, about needing, to have a girl next. When we spoke with the counselor at the hospital on the day we delivered Sofia, we voiced concern about our fears for our next child if it turned out to be a boy. What if we could not love him, because he was not a girl?!? The counselor assured us that our feelings were normal, and when the time came, we would love our baby with such immense love, no matter the gender. We listened, but the fear lingered in our hearts. We spent so many days planning for life with a girl, dreaming about life with a girl, shopping for our little girl, now she was gone, and those hopes and dreams were not.
As months passed we went through different phases. Around March we were both more accepting of the idea of a son. Still, once we knew we were pregnant, we hoped for a little girl to bring all those dreams back to life, and to wear all those clothes we bought her big sister. We read articles about pregnancy after loss and how most people find it easier to have the opposite gender after a loss, but we ignored those sentiments and stayed stubborn in our need for a girl.
Just a week before we'd find out the gender, I finally accepted in my heart that we were having a boy, and I cried. I knew in my gut it was a boy, and I also knew that a boy was exactly what we needed. I was simply in denial of that during the prior months of my journey. Just after my realization and acceptance, Juan went on his annual Yosemite trip with his friends. While on that trip, something changed within him too. He too was certain we were having a boy, and was 100% certain that a boy was meant to be next in our line-up.
Sure enough, when we visited the specialist at 18 weeks, it was clear as day we are having a boy! Since then, it has become more and more evident that a boy is exactly what we need in our family at this time. Sure, we hope to have a girl someday. Yes, we want a little sister who will wear the clothes we bought Sofia and do all the things that little girls do, but having a girl this close to Sofia would not be fair to this next baby, or to Sofia. You see, being pregnant with another girl this close together would kind of feel like we were just picking up where we left off. It would feel like this little one would have to fulfill all that we had dreamed up for Sofia. We would certainly make the common parent slip and call her Sofia time and time again, and ultimately at age 13 in the midst of a fit she would probably scream, "I am sorry I'm not Sofia!" and slam the door in our heartbroken faces. We don't want that for this child, and we don't want that for Sofie. Each baby deserves to have her time, her place, her dreams to fulfill. I can now understand and accept that having a girl this close to Sofia would have made it more difficult to give each of my girls some time of their own. The pregnancies are so close I can already see how easily the memories could get blurred together. Since finding out we are having a boy though, this pregnancy has taken on a personality of its own. It is a boy, and that means new clothes, new room, new names, and new dreams, completely different than those we built for Sofia. Having some years apart and a brother in between is sure to help our future daughter not feel like a replacement for the daughter we lost.
This little guy came with perfect timing. Now we are dreaming up all things boy and we are having a blast with it! Within a week of knowing he was a he, we had shopped enough to give him a wardrobe larger than his big sister's! Now, just short of a month into knowing, we have already put in a good deal of work on his room, and we constantly debate which sports he will play. I am sure he is going to be such a goofball and a gentleman, just like his daddy, and am certain that his love will melt my heart. We can't wait to see him try to keep up with his 7 older boy cousins and 6 sons of friends (we are surrounded by boys around here!). We are looking forward to trains and trash-trucks and cars and Legos littering our carpet. I cannot wait to see him as Juan's little buddy and side-kick. They are sure to be a tag-team comedy act. Back in December it was not that we were against having a boy, we just hadn't taken the time to think about all the wonderful things that little boys bring. Now that we have, we could not be more excited!
We are also certain that big sister Sofia has a lot to do with sending us this little guy. As Juan puts it, it is like she is at "Build-A-Bear" in Heaven where she can "build a brother" instead. He is a gift that she's been working closely with God to send us. Her purpose on Earth was fulfilled in such a short time, and now her eternal purpose is bigger and grander than we'd ever dreamed. She is not only a big sister, but a guardian angel. An advocate, a guide, and a source of comfort for her baby brother, her parents, and her siblings to come. We are so blessed.
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