Physical Reminders, Emotional Pain

"Grief is a process of awareness, of making real inside the self an event that already occurred in reality outside."

-Parkes and Weiss

What is written below is my honest truth. While I am so grateful for the months I carried Sofia, I often feel betrayed by my body. After facing such a loss, why do I still have to face the physical pains of other postpartum moms? Why can't I be exempt from such reminders? These are the questions I try not to ask, but find them pushing themselves into my thoughts. These physical reminders, while painful reminders of loss, are reminders of my reality. I carried a baby. My baby is in heaven. I am still a mom. 

Tailbone & Back Pain 

As any woman who has carried a baby for months knows, your body does not just go back to normal.  I am convinced that after just seven months of things moving around to make way for baby, my body parts will never be fully back to where they started. I am okay with this, as hopefully this means that with the next baby, things won't have to move quite as much.  The tough part though, is dealing with the physical pain. While I had a very pleasant pregnancy, I did face some tailbone discomfort and some slight pain on the right side of my lower back. While pregnant it didn't bother me much. It seemed like a small price to pay for the great rewards that were in store for us. Now, home without my sweet girl, I still suffer from some tailbone and back pain from time to time, and it is much harder to come to terms with. While I am so grateful for the seven months we spent with Sofia, it feels a bit unfair that I am still experiencing this physical pain. I feel like the burden of the emotional pain I am suffering should make me exempt from the physical pain. The reality is my body changed for seven months and will take time to heal. Now I must try to adjust my thinking and see the pain as a reminder of the days I carried her, happy and excited, not as a reminder of the loss. If only it were so easy.

Stretch Marks 

Because I had to spend a few days engorged, waiting for my milk to dry up, I earned a few stretch marks on my left breast. Now that my boobs are back to a normal size, the marks are very small and light, but are still a reminder that she was here, and was supposed to be relieving my body of that painful amount of milk.  As painful as they are to see, these marks are also a reminder that my body can produce milk, and will be able to do so for our future babies. Still, there are some days when I see the marks and I just want to cry. Why must my body remind me of what I lost? Again, I have to work to change my thinking. They can be reminders of what I had, no, what I have, with Sofia. That is what I have to remember. Juan calls them, "Sofia's handprints." That thought makes me happy.

Weight & Body Shape

Every mom deals with postpartum body shape challenges. Like I said before, after months of changing, we don't just pop back into shape. Again, I feel like moms of loss should be exempt from this. We don't have a baby to hold and snuggle and distract us from our newly shaped body.  We can't hold our baby in front of our belly to hide the extra pounds in photos. We most likely didn't take our entire maternity leave, and therefore are forced back into work clothes sooner than our bodies are ready.  This has been the most difficult of physical reminders for me. While I know it is vain, I am really having a hard time accepting my new body. I am too small for maternity clothes, but too big to fit comfortably into most of my pre-pregnancy clothes, so I spend most days looking and feeling frumpy or fat. I have never been a tiny girl, but I like to think I have spent most of my adult years looking fairly healthy or fit. Now I feel overweight. My clothes don't fit right. I want to wear a sticker on my shirt that says, "Please forgive my belly pudge, I gave birth 2 months ago" since I can't stroll my baby around as proof of that. Still, I know it doesn't matter. My reality is that I did carry a baby for 7 months. I earned this new body. I should be proud of it. I should be thankful that I was able to have her for as long as I did. And I am... but still... it hurts.

Luckily, with the help of my motivated hubby (who has lost several pounds in the last month), and under the guidance of my fabulous sister-in-law (who is a certified Health Coach for prenatal and postnatal women, see Fit Moms Facebook Fit Moms Website) I am back in my pre-pregnancy jeans and getting close to my pre-pregnancy weight!  To be fair, the jeans don't quite fit like they used to, but they fit, and I can button them! Juan and I have started a great workout routine together, which not only gives us more energy and gets those positive endorphins going, but also forces us to get out of work sooner (and not work 10-12 hour days as often). Monet has worked with me on specific exercises that target the muscles that need rebuilding after being stretched during pregnancy. Although I don't feel or look quite the same in my pre-pregnancy clothes just yet, I am starting to feel stronger and more flexible again. This is important not only for my (vain) body image, but also because we hope to be pregnant in the coming months, and we want my body to be strong and healthy for our next pregnancy. I am so grateful for Juan and Monet. Without them I would be sitting on the couch eating Girl Scout Cookies and crying each day. I am grateful for their love and support in getting me strong and healthy, the kind of mama Sofia deserves.

And so, to keep my baby proud of her mama, I will push to change my perspective on these physical reminders. I will choose to see them as badges I wear to honor her.