A Mother's Day Post

No one could have prepared me for how difficult each passing holiday or celebration would be this year. I know these events will get easier, but this year, Sofia was supposed to be here for them, and I looked forward to spending them with her.

But oh how things have changed. While the thoughts of each 2015 holiday once excited me, they now consume me with grief and I dread them for weeks ahead.

Christmas, to my surprise, was not as awful as I thought it would be. We were still in such shock, and our family and friends embraced us in such love that we were okay. Plus, she was not supposed to be here for Christmas of 2014, since she was not due until February, so it was easier to accept.

Valentine's Day was harder. I took out the Valentine's Day outfit I bought her and stared at it all week. I even hugged it and talked to it at some point.

Lent was rough. As silly and selfish as it may sound, I had a hard time giving something up. Hadn't I sacrificed enough? This, I struggled with.

Easter was wonderful. The message of new life and resurrection brought me great comfort and hope. It was a great surprise after what a tough time I had during Lent.

My birthday was the hardest. I didn't want a birthday without her to hold. She was supposed to be there. We were supposed to host an in-home wine tasting and have our friends over to meet her. That was the plan, and I am not one to happily welcome a change in plans. Still, I survived. My sweet Sofia filled her Grammy's garden with beautiful sweet peas on my birthday, and her daddy made sure I was well taken care of. While heartbroken, I was able to feel grateful for the years that have passed, and hopeful for the years to come.

I know there will be more difficult events to come throughout the remainder of the year... I was supposed to spend my summer with her at the beach. We were supposed to introduce her to the family at a reunion this summer, and go on road trips this fall. She was supposed to be Batman (with a tutu) for Halloween, and get into the presents and the ornaments at Christmas (if we could even manage getting a tree with a little one around!). Living through these moments without my Sofia will be difficult, but if there is anything I have learned, it is that the anticipation of each event is usually much worse than living through the day itself.

This is especially true of this weekend's holiday... Mother's Day.  I had no idea how the anticipation of Mother's Day would completely consume me and make me feel like I've taken a huge step backward in my healing. Maybe I am extra emotional because I also happen to be fighting a horrible cold, and state testing has started, so work is a bit stressful, but the thought of Mother's Day, or anything baby, or anything family, or child related, instantly sends me into a downward spiral of grief and sorrow. Every Mother's Day commercial is a reminder that while I am a mother, I won't get any kisses from my daughter this Mother's Day, and that makes my heart ache more than it has in a while. This week, when I spoke to Sofia it was with tears in my eyes. I took an extra few minutes to stare at her hand and foot print, to sit in her room, to snuggle her stuffed giraffe, or to close my eyes and remember the feel of her soft cheeks on my lips and nose. I held onto my remembrance jewelry for strength and hope, and I prayed for the strength to live a life that makes her proud to call me mama. Every day after losing a child is hard, but the anticipation of Mother's Day, a Hallmark holiday, is ridiculously difficult.

So this year, while I hope all moms have a great Mother's Day, I will be praying extra prayers for moms who know the pain that my heart knows. This year, I pray for the mom who never got to hear that first cry and gasp for air, the mom who felt her baby's body go cold in her own two hands, who never got to change a diaper, wipe a tear, or give a bath. This year, I weep for the mom who never woke in the middle of the night to the sweet cries of her baby, but instead lies awake for hours on end, crying uncontrollably about the fate of her little one. I pray for the mom who did everything she could to keep her baby healthy during pregnancy, the one who took every precaution, and yet nature had different plans. I pray for these moms, and I hope you do too.

I pray that these women, broken and fragile, feel loved this weekend. I pray that they are surrounded by people who wish them a happy Mother's Day and use their babies' names. I pray that their little angels somehow find a way to bless their days, and that they live through the day with a smile. After all, these sweet angels made us mamas, and that is something to smile about. While our tax statements or census reports may not consider us mothers, we are, and forever will be. We know, just as much as any mom, the loving bond that forms between mother and child, even before birth. We know that being a mom can be the most joyous thing, the scariest thing, and the most heartbreaking thing all at once. I pray that we remember this during this Mother's Day, and always.


A child who lost both parents is an orphan. A wife who lost her husband is a widow. A husband who lost his wife is a widower. But there is no word for a mom who lost her child. Moms of loss are still moms.

I am a mom. As painful as it may be, this is my holiday too, and for Sofia, I will cherish it and honor her.

After writing this post I finally built up the courage to read some of the articles and blog posts I bookmarked earlier this week. For those interested in learning how to to better support those who have gone through loss, or to feel less alone if you are going through loss... read on... These are not specific to stillbirth, but to the loss of a child none-the-less.

A Mother's Day Letter to Grieving Moms 
Dealing with Mother's Day after the death of a child
Being the Mother of a Child Who Died -- On Mother's Day 

Sofia's Signs & Sense of Humor

Over the past couple months we have been thrilled to find that our little girl always finds a way into our lives. We have also come to learn that she has a silly sense of humor like her daddy and is surely in-cahoots with God in finding ways to make us laugh.  Here are some examples of how Sofia shines through in our lives.


The Twisted Tulip
Since the day we held Sofia in our arms, we have kept fresh flowers in our home. We keep them next to a framed photo of our hands, gifted to us from my mom, and a beautiful Guardian Willow Tree figurine gifted to us from my Aunt Kathy & Uncle Kevin. The first set of flowers I bought were some beautiful pink tulips.

When I plopped the tulips in a vase I noticed one little tulip that just did not want to stay up like the rest. When I pulled it out to readjust it, here is what I found.

A twisted stem, too twisted to allow this tulip to stand like the rest, but not so twisted to keep it from being a beautiful part of the bouquet. I instantly smiled, laughed out-loud, and then burst into tears, happy tears. It was as if Sofia was saying, "Hi Mama! I am right here and I'm okay!"





Mommy & Daddy's Date Night
After the business of Christmas and New Year's settled, Juan and I were ready for some us time.  I mean, aside from Juan going back to work, we had not been away from each other since the day we held Sofia, but we had been blessed with the company of many friends and family members, and the time we did spend together was usually talking, sharing where we were in the grieving process, and holding each other together (all very important parts of our healing). After a couple of weeks we decided that we were ready for a date night. Our plan was that I would pick Juan up from work, we would get dinner at one of our favorite local restaurants and then catch a movie. Little did we know, our little one had a different plan for us.

Right before I picked Juan up, the mortuary called him. It turns out, Sofia was a bit bigger than they thought she'd be, and her remains would not fit in the tiny urn we had originally selected. They needed us to come in and choose a different urn as soon as possible.  When Juan told me the news we both smiled at each other. There was no question about it, we were canceling our plans and taking care of our sweet girl. This is what it means to be parents, sometimes you must drop plans with no hesitation, because let's face it, your life is no longer yours. It didn't bother us one bit. It was a perfect reminder that although she may not be here for us to hold, we are her parents, and she can still control our lives! Thank you sweet girl, for reminding us of what it means to be parents. Thank you for letting us feel the joys, sacrifices, and sorrows of parenthood.

Jewelry Fiasco

I have been gifted with various beautiful pieces of jewelry to wear in remembrance of Sofia. Each day I get to choose a piece or two to wear as a reminder that she is always with me. One very special piece of jewelry is a bracelet from my mom seen here. One day, before getting our daily workout in, the bracelet fell out of my gym bag and onto Juan's office floor.  He spotted it and made some jokingly smart comment about me not being careful with such an important piece of jewelry. As I laughed and rolled my eyes at him I look on the floor under his office desk only to find... his wedding ring!  I returned the jokingly smart comment and we both laughed so hard! It was like little Miss Sofia was not going to let her daddy get away with teasing her mama like that. We got a great laugh and were once again reminded that this little one will always find her way into our day-to-day lives. 

The Spilled Briefcase
A part of working for a non profit means purchasing things out of pocket then submitting receipts for reimbursement. Juan decided to collect receipts so that he could submit them all together. Well, he can be so organized at times that it actually makes him unorganized, often forgetting where he placed all of his items...  like $193 worth of receipts.  One morning, while rushing to work, because we were already a few minutes behind schedule, Juan picks up his briefcase (in his head it's ever so graceful), only to watch its contents spill all over the floor, revealing the missing receipts. Juan had already resigned to "donating" (eating) the money and there they were all along.  With a sigh of relief he put them in a new safe spot, and thanked Sofia for knocking the briefcase out of his hands and saving us that money!

Ever So Sweet, Sweet Peas
Sofia blew us away with this next one, told beautifully in my sister's Facebook post on Sofia's due date.

On Sofia's due date, there was a single pink sweet pea in full bloom in my mom's garden, and another single pink sweet pea in full bloom in her neighbor's garden. Both were the first flowers of the season to bloom. What a beautiful message! God is good.

We are so amazed by the way God works to keep our little one in our lives. We are grateful for the way some of life's ordinary things now have such extraordinary meanings. We are humbled by the way our little angel will bless our lives forever. 

Sofia Fe Llamas, you never cease to amaze us. You truly are a flame of wisdom and faith, like your name says. God is so good. We are so proud of you and so grateful to be your parents. Thank you for always finding ways to make us smile. 

Physical Reminders, Emotional Pain

"Grief is a process of awareness, of making real inside the self an event that already occurred in reality outside."

-Parkes and Weiss

What is written below is my honest truth. While I am so grateful for the months I carried Sofia, I often feel betrayed by my body. After facing such a loss, why do I still have to face the physical pains of other postpartum moms? Why can't I be exempt from such reminders? These are the questions I try not to ask, but find them pushing themselves into my thoughts. These physical reminders, while painful reminders of loss, are reminders of my reality. I carried a baby. My baby is in heaven. I am still a mom. 

Tailbone & Back Pain 

As any woman who has carried a baby for months knows, your body does not just go back to normal.  I am convinced that after just seven months of things moving around to make way for baby, my body parts will never be fully back to where they started. I am okay with this, as hopefully this means that with the next baby, things won't have to move quite as much.  The tough part though, is dealing with the physical pain. While I had a very pleasant pregnancy, I did face some tailbone discomfort and some slight pain on the right side of my lower back. While pregnant it didn't bother me much. It seemed like a small price to pay for the great rewards that were in store for us. Now, home without my sweet girl, I still suffer from some tailbone and back pain from time to time, and it is much harder to come to terms with. While I am so grateful for the seven months we spent with Sofia, it feels a bit unfair that I am still experiencing this physical pain. I feel like the burden of the emotional pain I am suffering should make me exempt from the physical pain. The reality is my body changed for seven months and will take time to heal. Now I must try to adjust my thinking and see the pain as a reminder of the days I carried her, happy and excited, not as a reminder of the loss. If only it were so easy.

Stretch Marks 

Because I had to spend a few days engorged, waiting for my milk to dry up, I earned a few stretch marks on my left breast. Now that my boobs are back to a normal size, the marks are very small and light, but are still a reminder that she was here, and was supposed to be relieving my body of that painful amount of milk.  As painful as they are to see, these marks are also a reminder that my body can produce milk, and will be able to do so for our future babies. Still, there are some days when I see the marks and I just want to cry. Why must my body remind me of what I lost? Again, I have to work to change my thinking. They can be reminders of what I had, no, what I have, with Sofia. That is what I have to remember. Juan calls them, "Sofia's handprints." That thought makes me happy.

Weight & Body Shape

Every mom deals with postpartum body shape challenges. Like I said before, after months of changing, we don't just pop back into shape. Again, I feel like moms of loss should be exempt from this. We don't have a baby to hold and snuggle and distract us from our newly shaped body.  We can't hold our baby in front of our belly to hide the extra pounds in photos. We most likely didn't take our entire maternity leave, and therefore are forced back into work clothes sooner than our bodies are ready.  This has been the most difficult of physical reminders for me. While I know it is vain, I am really having a hard time accepting my new body. I am too small for maternity clothes, but too big to fit comfortably into most of my pre-pregnancy clothes, so I spend most days looking and feeling frumpy or fat. I have never been a tiny girl, but I like to think I have spent most of my adult years looking fairly healthy or fit. Now I feel overweight. My clothes don't fit right. I want to wear a sticker on my shirt that says, "Please forgive my belly pudge, I gave birth 2 months ago" since I can't stroll my baby around as proof of that. Still, I know it doesn't matter. My reality is that I did carry a baby for 7 months. I earned this new body. I should be proud of it. I should be thankful that I was able to have her for as long as I did. And I am... but still... it hurts.

Luckily, with the help of my motivated hubby (who has lost several pounds in the last month), and under the guidance of my fabulous sister-in-law (who is a certified Health Coach for prenatal and postnatal women, see Fit Moms Facebook Fit Moms Website) I am back in my pre-pregnancy jeans and getting close to my pre-pregnancy weight!  To be fair, the jeans don't quite fit like they used to, but they fit, and I can button them! Juan and I have started a great workout routine together, which not only gives us more energy and gets those positive endorphins going, but also forces us to get out of work sooner (and not work 10-12 hour days as often). Monet has worked with me on specific exercises that target the muscles that need rebuilding after being stretched during pregnancy. Although I don't feel or look quite the same in my pre-pregnancy clothes just yet, I am starting to feel stronger and more flexible again. This is important not only for my (vain) body image, but also because we hope to be pregnant in the coming months, and we want my body to be strong and healthy for our next pregnancy. I am so grateful for Juan and Monet. Without them I would be sitting on the couch eating Girl Scout Cookies and crying each day. I am grateful for their love and support in getting me strong and healthy, the kind of mama Sofia deserves.

And so, to keep my baby proud of her mama, I will push to change my perspective on these physical reminders. I will choose to see them as badges I wear to honor her. 

Medical Update

One of the first milestones we had to pass was our follow-up visit with Dr. Teng. We could not wait to see her, because at this appointment we would get the results of the many tests they ran on me and Sofia, as well as get our many questions answered.  We have found that many of our friends and family are curious about the medical side of what happened, but are sometimes afraid to ask. Hopefully the information provided here answers some questions, and puts some mamas/future mamas at ease. For me, while getting answers does not bring my precious baby back, it does bring me some comfort. The more I understand about the science and medical side, the more I can come to terms with what occurred.

Blood Tests

All blood tests came back normal. Sofia was perfectly healthy, and so was I. There was no sign of bacteria, virus, or infection present in either of us. 

Chromosome Test

Sofia's chromosome results came back with no signs of chromosomal abnormalities. This is quite a relief, as it confirms that this accident was not genetic, and therefore is very unlikely to happen again.

Placenta Culture

This test showed that the placenta was completely healthy. It was properly formed with no sign of infection.

Umbilical Cord Results

As predicted by our doctor on the day of our delivery, this is where we got our answers. The analysis came back confirming a severe left twist in the umbilical cord. This twist prevented the necessary nutrients from passing through. While this was obvious to the naked eye at delivery, we are grateful to have it confirmed by medical analysis. 

Questions About Twisted Cords

Getting answers somehow led to more questions.  Here is what we learned...

Umbilical cords are difficult to see in ultrasounds. We had a 4D ultrasound less than two weeks before we lost Sofia, and the technician did not see any issues with the umbilical cord. Even if there had been signs to lead us to look more closely at the umbilical cord, it is highly unlikely that anything would have been detected. Sofia's cord was twisted the tightest right at her belly. A normal ultrasound machine would not be able to help with detecting this twist.

No one seems to know why some cords twist more than others. Some cords hardly twist at all, and others can be quite curly, doctors cannot explain why.  Our doctor believes that the cord formed this way, while other doctors believe that her movement caused the severe twist. The only thing all doctors agree upon here, is that there is not enough research on umbilical cord accidents.  For being the lifeline to the mother, it seems totally crazy that there isn't more research on them.

Looking Ahead

As much as we hate the word, the best way to describe this accident is to call it a "fluke." We don't know what caused the umbilical cord to twist this way, but it did. While there is nothing we can do differently to prevent this from happening again, our doctor seems to think that another occurrence is highly unlikely, and she has a plan to keep our minds at ease during future pregnancies.   

When we are pregnant again, we will begin to see a specialist around 20 weeks. The specialist will use Doppler technology to measure the amount of fluid passing through the cord. Our doctor will also see us more often, and perform more ultrasounds for peace of mind. We are so grateful for this, but our doctor was very honest, stating that all of these extras are "for peace of mind."  She made it very clear that if something is detected, there is no guarantee of a different outcome. If something is detected, it is possible that I will be hospitalized. Even so, there is no guarantee to a different outcome. 

Still, we are hopeful. We are hopeful that this cord issue truly was a "fluke". While the thought of being pregnant again scares me to death, there is nothing I want more.  As for trying again... we must wait until my body gets through a couple normal cycles. So for now, we pray for patience and we trust that we will find ourselves pregnant again when our hearts and my body are ready.

Medical Bills

Bills, bills, and more bills! As one can imagine, all of these extra tests mean a whole bunch of extra bills.  We had no idea how many tests were needed, and that each test gets sent to a different specialist, meaning a different bill. There is nothing like sitting at the kitchen table surrounded by bills, on hold with insurance, then different labs, then back on the phone with insurance again, all while having no baby to hold at the end of the day. These bills were like salt in the wound.

Luckily, my sister, Cami set up a GoFundMe account back in December. When she first started the fund we felt uncomfortable about it. Now, as we pay off these bills with no baby to snuggle at home, we are very grateful. We have been humbled by the outpouring of generosity from family, friends, and even strangers. The fund should cover almost half of our medical expenses from conception to cremation. Each dollar helps us feel more financially able to pay off these bills and more prepared to cover the bills for our next pregnancy (which will be filled with extra precautionary procedures = greater expenses). We are so grateful for the help of our network of amazing people. There are no words to express our gratitude.

"The death of a child is the single most traumatic event in medicine. To lose a child is to lose a piece of yourself."  

-Dr. Burton Grebin

Blessings to Celebrate from 2014

 "You guys are so strong."

"How are you guys so strong?"

We hear these words often lately.  We don't always feel very strong, and we too look back on December 18th and wonder, "How are we still here? How are we going to continue to get through this?"  There are no easy answers to these questions, but the way I see it is that every day we have a choice. We can choose to stay in bed, cry, and dwell on what could have been, or we can get out of bed, wipe up our tears and find hope and peace in what IS and what will be. Trust me, this choice is not an easy one to make, and some days I find I have to make this choice several times a day, but I will do it. Between the tears, I will choose to count our blessings.

Blessings to Celebrate from 2014

• Juan and I both had a great year professionally.  He opened a new YMCA at the Wellness Center at the Historic General Hospital, and I started coaching an apprentice teacher. We both traveled quite a bit for work as well, reigniting our passions for the work that we do, and becoming better masters in our crafts. 
• When the time was right for us to start building a family, we learned that we can (and did) conceive. So many couples struggle to conceive, and we are grateful that our bodies allowed us to get one step closer to our dream of a family.
• I had an amazing pregnancy. Friends, coworkers, and even my doctor commented on how my body was made to grow babies. I was told I made pregnancy look easy and every check-up showed signs of a healthy baby.  I loved being pregnant, and my body seemed to be doing everything it needed to for baby to grow and for me to remain healthy and feeling good.
• We started living a healthier life. In baby's best interest (and because I am a worrier), I switched us over to organic produce and organic cleaning products. I even changed most of my beauty products. We ate a very balanced diet, filled with powerful pregnancy foods.  Juan even joined me in quitting coffee completely! While I learned I cannot control everything nature will throw at me during subsequent pregnancies, we have decided that these lifestyle changes benefited Sofia, and will continue to benefit us and our future babies. We will continue following these healthier life choices. 
• We were blessed with a baby girl. Both of our families were long overdue for a new little lady, so we were all overjoyed when we found out Baby Llamas was a girl! We had so much fun sharing the news of our little one and enjoyed shopping for adorable outfits and decorating her room.
• We became parents. Each day came with new excitements and the occasional new fear.  We learned the feeling of unconditional love. Who would have thought we could love someone so small, in such a short amount of time? For 32 weeks we fell more in love with her, and with each other, and continue to do so as we learn from her and what we have experienced.
• Upon delivering Sofia, we learned that the cause of her passing was an umbilical cord accident. This brought us some relief. It was not a genetic disorder. It was not a virus. It was not a chromosome problem. It was nothing that could have been prevented, detected, nor fixed. It was an accident. I did not cause it. My body did not cause it. The environment did not cause it. Genetics did not cause it. It was an accident. 
• Since her delivery, we have done some research and learned that the cause of death is left unknown in more than half of all stillbirths.  Although it was heartbreaking to see her umbilical cord twisted so tightly at the base of her belly, we are grateful that the cause of her death was so clear. Knowing the cause helps us have closure, heal, and have hope for the future. (We still do not know why the cord got so twisted. That is something we may never know. There is not much research on the subject, and we are still waiting for lab results from the blood that they drew that day. All we know is babies move around a lot in the womb, and our little dancer loved to twirl.)
• We are surrounded by love. Our parents. Our siblings. Our grandparents. Our aunts and uncles. Our cousins. Our friends. Our coworkers. Our acquaintances. Our doctor and nurses. Friends from years ago. Friends of friends. Complete strangers. We are surrounded by love. Every phone call, every Facebook message, every card, every text, every prayer, every flower, every gift, every meal, and every hug has held us up and pushed us along this path of healing. People have opened up and shared their own stories with us, giving us strength and hope. People have thanked us for sharing our story, which reminds us that we are on this journey together. People have not only reached out to us, but to our families, bringing comfort and spreading love. What great reminders that we are not alone.
• We have been given new wisdom. We have learned more than I can put into words here. About ourselves as individuals, about us as a couple, about our priorities, goals, and values. About life and how precious it is. She has taught us these things. With this new wisdom, we will live better lives. Sofia has changed our perspective, and for this we are forever grateful.
• We have a deepened faith. I always thought an experience like this would shatter my faith, yet somehow, I continue to turn toward God to get us through this. In fact, I do believe that our day with Sofia brought me closer to Him. He was in that room that day and has blessed me with His grace and held me in His arms each and every day since then.  With that, we continue to be faithful.

Sofia: wisdom

Fe: faith

Llamas: flames

She truly is our flame of wisdom and faith, our greatest gift of 2014.

With all of this and more to celebrate from 2014, we look to 2015 with great hope and excitement and believe there will, once again, be much to celebrate.

Happy New Year!

Daddy's Little Girl

 Sofia and I are Lucky Girls

I have always known that Juan is my rock, but our little girl has shown me that I can continue to fall deeper and deeper in love with this man. Through all of this he has been wonderful. He speaks with such wisdom and love about all that we are going through and all that is to come. His words fill me with peace and hope, which is all we can ask for right now. I am truly blessed to have him as my husband, as the father of my children, and as the foundation of this family.

I love you, Juan Llamas. Thank you for holding me together today, and always.

Since the day we found out we were pregnant, Juan was very involved with the pregnancy. He went to every appointment and researched every baby gadget that would go on our registry. When we found out we were blessed with a baby girl, he fell head over heels in love with her. He talked about her all the time, and was constantly shopping for the most adorable outfits. He bought her books in both English and Spanish, and spoke to her every day. I have no doubts that little Miss Sofia is a total daddy's girl, and I am happy with that. She had him wrapped around her little finger from inside the womb.

Upon returning home from the hospital, Juan wrote this beautiful letter to Sofia. It is a letter of love, heartbreak, and hope. I am happy that he wrote it, and hope that with sharing it, this letter continues to fill him with comfort and healing.

Your mom's lips, your dad's nose, your mom's chin and curly hair, your dad's fingers and dark hair. You made us parents. We held you, we kissed you, you met the rest of your family and we thought about the many things we would not have the opportunity to do together. No impromptu dancing in the kitchen with your dad, no time for pedicures and manicures with mom, no tea parties, cleaning up boo boos, baking treats, wearing tutus, making faces at veggies or snuggling with you. We didn't get to hear you cry, we didn't get to hear your laugh nor did we get the chance to read to you and teach you to say please and gracias. I imagine you now, what you would look four-five years, from now, how you would eat, what your interests would be. Would you have your mom's temperament, your dad's goofiness and their desire to help others? We missed out on seeing you grow, seeing you graduate and we missed out on our daddy/daughter dance at your wedding. My heart hurts, I feel incomplete. I am strong for mommy and for the rest of your family because I feel that if I breakdown in front of them, that they will break down too. Maybe that's how you would have been, a strong girl trying to shield others from pain. Although I am hurting, I am able to smile. I am able to look at tomorrow. I am able to make "meow" noises at random times, I am able to joke still, I am able to make mommy laugh, I am able to feel peace, I am able to know how much I love her and understand how much more we have to live and do. Sofia, you gave us love. You gave us heartache. We can now call ourselves parents because of you. You gave us faith. You gave us hope. You reminded us of the great support system that we have in friends, family and even in strangers that we met while at the hospital. I mentioned that you gave us heartache. I don't mean it as a bad thing. It was a reminder that you were human. You were real. Though we would rather this all be a nightmare from which we could wake up from, the heartache you brought reminded us how human we are. It's in being human that we feel love, pain, triumph, hope, despair, agony and success. You were, are and will continue to be human to us. I love you my niña bonita. You changed our lives in 32 weeks. You impacted our lives soooooo much in the 13 hours we were able to hold you, kiss you, smell you, talk to you, share you. Your lifeless body was full of life. We carry your life now. We won't let you down. We will make you proud. We will give you siblings and one day we will all be reunited and we'll have our daddy/daughter dance, your mom will do your hair (fyi she'll want to put bows in your hair) and we'll simply love each other.

I love you my little one.

Your dad, Juan.

So glad we didn't cancel Christmas

So glad we didn't cancel Christmas!

I really did not know if I could handle Christmas this year.  Christmas is easily my favorite time of year. I absolutely love the magic and excitement of the season. You can find me decorating our place for Christmas as early as Thanksgiving weekend, and shopping for gifts much sooner than that. This year, I was especially excited. This would be our last Christmas as a family of two. I loved the sound of that, and had visions of our little sugarplum dancing in my head. My favorite thing about Christmas is the wonder and joy it brings to little ones, and soon we would begin to witness that wonder and joy in our own little one. Every day I thought about what Christmas would be like with her next year, and for all the years to come. Enjoying the lights, singing Christmas songs and dancing around the house, baking and decorating Christmas cookies, decorating the tree, (even if it meant only decorating the top half when she was little and curious), so many wonderful traditions to continue and new memories to make. While debating whether or not we had the strength to join our family and friends for Christmas celebrations this year, I had to somehow be okay with letting go of these dreams of Christmas with Sofia. While it was not (and still is not) easy to do, I found some comfort in thinking of what Christmas could be like in heaven. Then I remembered our family and friends who are up there with her, and I made some requests.

I don't know what heaven is like, but if I had it my way, this is how Sofia spent Christmas this year. 

"Auntie" Charlotte baked and decorated cookies with her.
Jasmine sang and danced to Christmas songs with her.
Uncle Larry taught her how to build a snowman.
Mrs. Blakely read her The Polar Express.
Tio Humberto took her to see the most beautiful Christmas trees and lights.
Mr. Friemann played Santa Claus and held her on his knee. 
Her great and great-great grandparents all spoiled her with love.

And with these thoughts, I realized Christmas could not be cancelled. Our Sofie is in good hands, and there is a lot to celebrate here. This year, we became parents, and thus experienced the deepest kind of love there is, the same love our God has for us. Such a deep love, that he sent His son to love and guide us, and that should be celebrated. And so we did.... with friends... with both sides of the family... we celebrated. When Juan asked me my favorite part of Christmas this year, I answered, "The hugs. I didn't realize I needed all of those hugs." 

And so we did it, we survived our first Christmas since the loss of our sweet baby girl. I can't help but wonder when Christmases will be easier to get through without her.  We can only pray and see what God has in store for the Llamas Family in 2015.

The candle we lit at Christmas Mass

We love you, Sofia. Merry Christmas!