Blessings to Celebrate from 2014

 "You guys are so strong."

"How are you guys so strong?"

We hear these words often lately.  We don't always feel very strong, and we too look back on December 18th and wonder, "How are we still here? How are we going to continue to get through this?"  There are no easy answers to these questions, but the way I see it is that every day we have a choice. We can choose to stay in bed, cry, and dwell on what could have been, or we can get out of bed, wipe up our tears and find hope and peace in what IS and what will be. Trust me, this choice is not an easy one to make, and some days I find I have to make this choice several times a day, but I will do it. Between the tears, I will choose to count our blessings.

Blessings to Celebrate from 2014

• Juan and I both had a great year professionally.  He opened a new YMCA at the Wellness Center at the Historic General Hospital, and I started coaching an apprentice teacher. We both traveled quite a bit for work as well, reigniting our passions for the work that we do, and becoming better masters in our crafts. 
• When the time was right for us to start building a family, we learned that we can (and did) conceive. So many couples struggle to conceive, and we are grateful that our bodies allowed us to get one step closer to our dream of a family.
• I had an amazing pregnancy. Friends, coworkers, and even my doctor commented on how my body was made to grow babies. I was told I made pregnancy look easy and every check-up showed signs of a healthy baby.  I loved being pregnant, and my body seemed to be doing everything it needed to for baby to grow and for me to remain healthy and feeling good.
• We started living a healthier life. In baby's best interest (and because I am a worrier), I switched us over to organic produce and organic cleaning products. I even changed most of my beauty products. We ate a very balanced diet, filled with powerful pregnancy foods.  Juan even joined me in quitting coffee completely! While I learned I cannot control everything nature will throw at me during subsequent pregnancies, we have decided that these lifestyle changes benefited Sofia, and will continue to benefit us and our future babies. We will continue following these healthier life choices. 
• We were blessed with a baby girl. Both of our families were long overdue for a new little lady, so we were all overjoyed when we found out Baby Llamas was a girl! We had so much fun sharing the news of our little one and enjoyed shopping for adorable outfits and decorating her room.
• We became parents. Each day came with new excitements and the occasional new fear.  We learned the feeling of unconditional love. Who would have thought we could love someone so small, in such a short amount of time? For 32 weeks we fell more in love with her, and with each other, and continue to do so as we learn from her and what we have experienced.
• Upon delivering Sofia, we learned that the cause of her passing was an umbilical cord accident. This brought us some relief. It was not a genetic disorder. It was not a virus. It was not a chromosome problem. It was nothing that could have been prevented, detected, nor fixed. It was an accident. I did not cause it. My body did not cause it. The environment did not cause it. Genetics did not cause it. It was an accident. 
• Since her delivery, we have done some research and learned that the cause of death is left unknown in more than half of all stillbirths.  Although it was heartbreaking to see her umbilical cord twisted so tightly at the base of her belly, we are grateful that the cause of her death was so clear. Knowing the cause helps us have closure, heal, and have hope for the future. (We still do not know why the cord got so twisted. That is something we may never know. There is not much research on the subject, and we are still waiting for lab results from the blood that they drew that day. All we know is babies move around a lot in the womb, and our little dancer loved to twirl.)
• We are surrounded by love. Our parents. Our siblings. Our grandparents. Our aunts and uncles. Our cousins. Our friends. Our coworkers. Our acquaintances. Our doctor and nurses. Friends from years ago. Friends of friends. Complete strangers. We are surrounded by love. Every phone call, every Facebook message, every card, every text, every prayer, every flower, every gift, every meal, and every hug has held us up and pushed us along this path of healing. People have opened up and shared their own stories with us, giving us strength and hope. People have thanked us for sharing our story, which reminds us that we are on this journey together. People have not only reached out to us, but to our families, bringing comfort and spreading love. What great reminders that we are not alone.
• We have been given new wisdom. We have learned more than I can put into words here. About ourselves as individuals, about us as a couple, about our priorities, goals, and values. About life and how precious it is. She has taught us these things. With this new wisdom, we will live better lives. Sofia has changed our perspective, and for this we are forever grateful.
• We have a deepened faith. I always thought an experience like this would shatter my faith, yet somehow, I continue to turn toward God to get us through this. In fact, I do believe that our day with Sofia brought me closer to Him. He was in that room that day and has blessed me with His grace and held me in His arms each and every day since then.  With that, we continue to be faithful.

Sofia: wisdom

Fe: faith

Llamas: flames

She truly is our flame of wisdom and faith, our greatest gift of 2014.

With all of this and more to celebrate from 2014, we look to 2015 with great hope and excitement and believe there will, once again, be much to celebrate.

Happy New Year!

Daddy's Little Girl

 Sofia and I are Lucky Girls

I have always known that Juan is my rock, but our little girl has shown me that I can continue to fall deeper and deeper in love with this man. Through all of this he has been wonderful. He speaks with such wisdom and love about all that we are going through and all that is to come. His words fill me with peace and hope, which is all we can ask for right now. I am truly blessed to have him as my husband, as the father of my children, and as the foundation of this family.

I love you, Juan Llamas. Thank you for holding me together today, and always.

Since the day we found out we were pregnant, Juan was very involved with the pregnancy. He went to every appointment and researched every baby gadget that would go on our registry. When we found out we were blessed with a baby girl, he fell head over heels in love with her. He talked about her all the time, and was constantly shopping for the most adorable outfits. He bought her books in both English and Spanish, and spoke to her every day. I have no doubts that little Miss Sofia is a total daddy's girl, and I am happy with that. She had him wrapped around her little finger from inside the womb.

Upon returning home from the hospital, Juan wrote this beautiful letter to Sofia. It is a letter of love, heartbreak, and hope. I am happy that he wrote it, and hope that with sharing it, this letter continues to fill him with comfort and healing.

Your mom's lips, your dad's nose, your mom's chin and curly hair, your dad's fingers and dark hair. You made us parents. We held you, we kissed you, you met the rest of your family and we thought about the many things we would not have the opportunity to do together. No impromptu dancing in the kitchen with your dad, no time for pedicures and manicures with mom, no tea parties, cleaning up boo boos, baking treats, wearing tutus, making faces at veggies or snuggling with you. We didn't get to hear you cry, we didn't get to hear your laugh nor did we get the chance to read to you and teach you to say please and gracias. I imagine you now, what you would look four-five years, from now, how you would eat, what your interests would be. Would you have your mom's temperament, your dad's goofiness and their desire to help others? We missed out on seeing you grow, seeing you graduate and we missed out on our daddy/daughter dance at your wedding. My heart hurts, I feel incomplete. I am strong for mommy and for the rest of your family because I feel that if I breakdown in front of them, that they will break down too. Maybe that's how you would have been, a strong girl trying to shield others from pain. Although I am hurting, I am able to smile. I am able to look at tomorrow. I am able to make "meow" noises at random times, I am able to joke still, I am able to make mommy laugh, I am able to feel peace, I am able to know how much I love her and understand how much more we have to live and do. Sofia, you gave us love. You gave us heartache. We can now call ourselves parents because of you. You gave us faith. You gave us hope. You reminded us of the great support system that we have in friends, family and even in strangers that we met while at the hospital. I mentioned that you gave us heartache. I don't mean it as a bad thing. It was a reminder that you were human. You were real. Though we would rather this all be a nightmare from which we could wake up from, the heartache you brought reminded us how human we are. It's in being human that we feel love, pain, triumph, hope, despair, agony and success. You were, are and will continue to be human to us. I love you my niña bonita. You changed our lives in 32 weeks. You impacted our lives soooooo much in the 13 hours we were able to hold you, kiss you, smell you, talk to you, share you. Your lifeless body was full of life. We carry your life now. We won't let you down. We will make you proud. We will give you siblings and one day we will all be reunited and we'll have our daddy/daughter dance, your mom will do your hair (fyi she'll want to put bows in your hair) and we'll simply love each other.

I love you my little one.

Your dad, Juan.

So glad we didn't cancel Christmas

So glad we didn't cancel Christmas!

I really did not know if I could handle Christmas this year.  Christmas is easily my favorite time of year. I absolutely love the magic and excitement of the season. You can find me decorating our place for Christmas as early as Thanksgiving weekend, and shopping for gifts much sooner than that. This year, I was especially excited. This would be our last Christmas as a family of two. I loved the sound of that, and had visions of our little sugarplum dancing in my head. My favorite thing about Christmas is the wonder and joy it brings to little ones, and soon we would begin to witness that wonder and joy in our own little one. Every day I thought about what Christmas would be like with her next year, and for all the years to come. Enjoying the lights, singing Christmas songs and dancing around the house, baking and decorating Christmas cookies, decorating the tree, (even if it meant only decorating the top half when she was little and curious), so many wonderful traditions to continue and new memories to make. While debating whether or not we had the strength to join our family and friends for Christmas celebrations this year, I had to somehow be okay with letting go of these dreams of Christmas with Sofia. While it was not (and still is not) easy to do, I found some comfort in thinking of what Christmas could be like in heaven. Then I remembered our family and friends who are up there with her, and I made some requests.

I don't know what heaven is like, but if I had it my way, this is how Sofia spent Christmas this year. 

"Auntie" Charlotte baked and decorated cookies with her.
Jasmine sang and danced to Christmas songs with her.
Uncle Larry taught her how to build a snowman.
Mrs. Blakely read her The Polar Express.
Tio Humberto took her to see the most beautiful Christmas trees and lights.
Mr. Friemann played Santa Claus and held her on his knee. 
Her great and great-great grandparents all spoiled her with love.

And with these thoughts, I realized Christmas could not be cancelled. Our Sofie is in good hands, and there is a lot to celebrate here. This year, we became parents, and thus experienced the deepest kind of love there is, the same love our God has for us. Such a deep love, that he sent His son to love and guide us, and that should be celebrated. And so we did.... with friends... with both sides of the family... we celebrated. When Juan asked me my favorite part of Christmas this year, I answered, "The hugs. I didn't realize I needed all of those hugs." 

And so we did it, we survived our first Christmas since the loss of our sweet baby girl. I can't help but wonder when Christmases will be easier to get through without her.  We can only pray and see what God has in store for the Llamas Family in 2015.

The candle we lit at Christmas Mass

We love you, Sofia. Merry Christmas!

Sofia Fe

Starting in May, Juan and I began to fall in love with our little one. This pregnancy was so perfect. The timing was just right. Every doctor appointment came with great measurements and strong heartbeats. Finding out she was a girl brought an even greater excitement to our families, as neither family had had a girl in quite some time. When we started to feel her move, it was the best feeling in the world.  For hours on end we would talk about her. We would imagine what our life would be like with her, try to guess who she would look like, make big plans for her and her future. We fell so deeply in love with her so quickly. Just before Thanksgiving, Baby Llamas became less active than usual, but after a 4D ultrasound in which we saw her moving around, and several strong heartbeat and measurement checkups, all seemed perfectly normal and healthy. I was loving being pregnant and we were so excited to become parents.

On Wednesday, December 17th, we went in for a routine 32 week check-up where we quickly learned that our baby girl's heart had stopped beating. After a detailed ultrasound for measurements, the doctor believed that she had passed sometime in the last two weeks and advised that we induce labor as soon as possible, as my body was already preparing for delivery. When we got home to pack a bag for the hospital, we agreed that together, we needed to be open about this experience. In the work that we do and the lives that we lead, we have an amazing network of people. We figure if sharing our story can help anyone out there, then it is our duty to tell the world. This openness is also a way for us to mourn and heal. 

We were admitted into the hospital at 8pm and I was induced shortly after. My parents and sister, along with Juan's mom and sister were all there to surround us with their love and support. Hector and Nicole even came by to offer hugs and support. The amount of love we were surrounded by kept us calm and readied us for the difficult times that were to come. Sofia Fe entered the world at 5:55am on Thursday December 18th. Her delivery was so beautiful and peaceful. Juan stood by my side holding my hand, while my mom and sister stood behind him. As I pushed, I was filled with such calmness and peace. Tears streamed down my face as I put my entire faith in God and gave thanks for my support circles, starting with my rock, Juan. I have no doubt that every prayer from those who had already heard the news was being answered in that delivery room at that moment. The calm, quiet peace that was present in that moment was the perfect tribute to our little angel. As soon as Dr. Teng held Sofia in her hands, she knew the cause of death. At the base of the umbilical cord, right where her belly button would be, Sofia's cord was twisted incredibly tight. So tight, the necessary oxygen, blood, and nutrients were not able to get to her. They call it a cord accident. Dr. Teng believes that Sofia simply flipped and twirled herself too much in there.  There was nothing that could have been done to prevent this, or treat it, and thus, our little dancer got her angel wings. 

The hours that followed made Thursday December 18th the most amazing, most magical, most peaceful, and most difficult day of my life.  We spent the entire day loving on our little Sofia. At 2 pounds, 12.4 ounces and 15.5 inches, this little one quickly stole our hearts. She has Daddy's eyes and nose, with Mommy's lips and chin. Her full head of hair is dark and curly. Her hands are like Daddy's, while her thighs and booty are surely from her mama.  She is a perfect blend of the two of us. All day I could not stop touching and kissing her soft, chubby cheeks, and staring at her adorable nose. I just could not get enough! We are so blessed that the hospital reached out to a non-profit organization, "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" to come in and take professional photos of her. We cannot wait to see the moments they caught, and cherish those images forever.

Throughout the day we were surrounded by continuous love and support, both via text messages and visitors. In addition to my parents and sister, and Juan's mom and sister, Casey and Monet joined us, as well as Christina, and even Maiya (at the end of the night). Being surrounded by such love gave us peace and filled us with God's grace. Together we all laughed and cried. We stared at Sofia, and took turns passing her around for kisses and hugs. It is a day that will never be forgotten.

After hearing we were married at St. Andrew's in Pasadena, the hospital reached out to the church who then sent over Father Corral, the priest who married us. He arrived with hugs and words of wisdom. He blessed and baptized our little angel with holy water, and anointed her little head with oil. Once again God's grace shined upon us. This was such a special moment, and to be done by the man who led us through our vows was just perfect. 

The hospital also sent a social worker to answer our questions and give us some advice about dealing with all that is to come. This was yet another blessing offered by this hospital. Once again we were surrounded by more love, words of wisdom, support and peace. God's grace continued to fill the room and our hearts. 

Before we knew it, the day had passed. While the hospital gave us as much time as we wanted with Sofia, by about 6pm, we knew it was time to let go of her body, and simply hold her spirit with us in our hearts. This part of the day was hardest for me. The entire day had been such a joyous celebration of her, and now I had to say goodbye. For the last hour with her I did not take my eyes off of her. I kissed every finger, every toe, her nose, her cheeks, her forehead. I held her hand and let myself feel every emotion that came upon me. My sister, Juan's sister, my mom, Juan's mom, and my dad all said their goodbyes and gave her kisses before giving us the room to embrace our last minutes with her. Together we held her, talked to her, kissed her, cried over her, smiled at her, prayed for her, thanked her, and promised her that we would take good care of each other. 

Her time with us was short, but her impact on our hearts is permanent. She made us parents. She made us stronger parents than we ever thought we'd be. She taught us true love, and showed us how God's grace can get us through even the toughest of times. That is why her name is Sofia Fe. Fe, because faith got us through that difficult day, and will continue to get us through as we mourn this great loss. 

Through this entire experience, we have been surrounded by the love and support of so many. We are comforted in knowing how loved our little angel is. We know that the road ahead will be a rough one, but we are committed to taking it one day at a time, and feeling every emotion that comes along the way. We will take this journey publicly, as a way to both offer and ask for support.  We will be forever grateful for our little angel. In her short time, she taught us so much about love and parenting. We are better people because of her, both individually, and as a couple. We are comforted in knowing she's dancing away up in heaven and someday we will be reunited and dance together.

To those of you who have children of your own, please give them an extra hug and kiss today. They are beautiful miracles and bring us hope and happiness.

The Llamas Family - December 18, 2014