Why the Delayed Announcement?

Why did we wait so long to share the news?

This is a question even I cannot manage to answer. After delivering Sofia I remember saying that I was going to shout from the rooftops the minute we were pregnant again. I swore that I would not let a minute go by that the world wouldn't know I was pregnant, because you never know how few minutes one has. But, now that I was there, why couldn't I do it? My best attempt is to say that we were just not ready.

The delay in sharing our news in no way means we are not excited, or even that the fears outweigh the excitement. In the last 18 weeks we have generated an even longer baby name list, shopped for baby clothes (boy, girl and gender neutral), re-activated our registries, planned for our pregnancy announcement, baby announcement, and Christmas card, imagined what Christmas will be like this year with two little ones to celebrate, re-organized the baby room (including packing away all the hand-me-downs from big sister Sofia), Pinterested away with baby room decor ideas, read to baby, talked to baby, sang to baby, danced with baby, prayed over baby, told baby all about his big sister, and so much more. To say we are excited is an understatement. So why not share the news? Why not let this happiness and excitement into the lives of the wonderful people in our network? I don't know. I just know it feels...different.

Possible reasons:

Fear of letting people down again. Sharing Sofia's fate was incredibly hard to do. So many people were so invested in this little girl's life, and we had to crush all of those excitements and dreams for them. Lucky for me, Juan made most of the phone calls, and our moms and sisters also helped spread the news and field questions. Still, it felt like we had let so many people down.  Friends, families, coworkers, students. I don't want to do that again. If something were to happen in this pregnancy, we would surely share the news again. It is just, for some reason, it seems less painful to just break bad news to people rather than to build up hope and dreams, and then crush it later. When we were newly pregnant I swore I would go nine months without telling anyone if I could, out of fear of disappointing people again.

Self-Preservation/Protection. Sure, postponing sharing the news may also have been a way to protect myself. Maybe I've been putting a guard up as to not admit that I could possibly experience such a loss, and such pain, yet again. I don't know. I guess sharing the news makes it all more real (as if the nausea, bloat, and growing belly don't make it real enough hehe), and more real means more vulnerable, which means more possibility for pain.

Uncertainty of how people would react. We have been shown nothing but love and support since we delivered Sofia. We are surrounded by family, friends, coworkers, doctors, nurses and strangers who continue to support us and honor our little girl, which is why it baffles me that I was so unsure about how people would react. I guess I just hate to make people uncomfortable, and let's be real, it is an uncomfortable topic. Also, I was certain people would have a lot of questions, and I just wasn't sure if I was ready to field such questions. I am happy to say that every person we have shared the news with has responded with such a genuine love and excitement for us. People were excited when we announced we were pregnant a year ago, but it is different this time, deeper, more pure, there is just more to it. As for questions, everyone has asked such great questions, and answering them has been healing for me. Answering questions has been very empowering. It is hard to explain, but it feels good (hence a Frequently Asked Questions blog coming soon).  So thank you. Thanks for loving without judgement, and asking questions based in that love and curiosity. You trying to understand our situation means the world to me, and makes this journey so much less scary and lonely. As we started to share the news with more people, I became more and more certain I was ready to share with the world. Which leads to the next possible reason for holding the news...

Overwhelming feeling of love and support. This one is hard to explain. The love and support we have been showered with has played an essential role in our healing. On rough days I can go to Facebook or to this blog and see that our story has touched so many lives, and so many people are rooting for us. That is a wonderful feeling! However, it can also be overwhelming. Sometimes on rough days I need to stay as far away from Facebook as possible, or ignore texts and phone calls. Some days I just need to go through what I need to go through, with just my husband by my side, because he truly knows the story from the front row. Sometimes going through all of this so publicly is overwhelming. I would not change it though. From the beginning of this journey we committed to being open and honest along the way. We know that doing so can help so many others, and the bonus is the community of support our honesty has grown for us. But sometimes, all the love is overwhelming. Something that feels undeserved. Just thinking about it moves me to tears. People have helped us in ways I can only hope we can help others some day. Sometimes I feel guilty that I cannot repay the outpour of love. Now please don't read this and step back. We need all the support we can get. Just know that if I seem distant, or I don't respond, or you don't get a "Thank You" right away, I may just need some me time, but I'll be back for you to carry me through.

Preserving Sofia's Memory. This is probably the strongest and most recent feeling/fear. I guess part of me fears that by sharing the exciting news of this new baby, people would forget about Sofia, or think we've moved on and all is well. As much joy as this baby has reintroduced to our lives, it does not take away the pain we feel from our loss, nor does it lessen the love we have for our little girl. I still want people to ask about her, to say her name, to talk about her curls and her dimples. I want to celebrate and chat about this baby too, but I never want the conversations about our girl to stop.


So there ya have it... My long-winded attempt to explain why we waited so long to announce that Baby Boy Llamas will be here this December!

6 months

It's been 6 months since I kissed these cheeks and admired this nose. Six months since I held her in my arms for the first and last time. Six months since the best and most difficult day of my life.

Six months ago I would not have believed you if you told me I'd be happy again, that I'd find a way to get up every day and smile, but here I am, doing my best, one day at a time, and with a smile. Thank you to all that have accompanied us on this journey for the last six months. This journey is nowhere near over, and we will continue to need all the support and prayers we can get for as long as we live. It is funny how grief works. I've learned and accepted that my heart will never heal, but I will learn how to live with this beautiful scar.

Sofia, my sweet girl, not a day goes by that I don't think of you. I long to hold you, kiss you, and see you. I grow more and more proud of you each day. In 32 short weeks, you changed the world, something your daddy and I aim to do each day, and you continue to do so. I admire you, baby girl. Your strength to fight for life as long as you did, without a sign of struggle, and your power to inspire people even today, simply amazes me. The wisdom I've gained since you've been in my life cannot be expressed in words. You made me a mama, and you've proven to me that I am stronger than I ever imagined. You've inspired me to do more to make this world a better place. Through our network of family and friends, you have showered us in love, and shown us what a beautiful world this can be. You've made me and Daddy fall even more deeply in love, all over again. You've grown our hearts so big, you've given us emotions so intense. I never knew I could feel emotions the way I do now.  Thank you, sweet angel. Each day I strive to make you proud. You've given me new purpose in my life. I will forever share your story, and someday, I promise to do more for families with stories like ours. I don't know how or what it will look like,  but together, we will continue to speak up and hopefully bring comfort to those who are given a journey that looks different than they had planned. I'm so grateful to have you in my life and I look forward to the day I get to hold you in my arms again. I love you, baby girl.

A Mother's Day Post

No one could have prepared me for how difficult each passing holiday or celebration would be this year. I know these events will get easier, but this year, Sofia was supposed to be here for them, and I looked forward to spending them with her.

But oh how things have changed. While the thoughts of each 2015 holiday once excited me, they now consume me with grief and I dread them for weeks ahead.

Christmas, to my surprise, was not as awful as I thought it would be. We were still in such shock, and our family and friends embraced us in such love that we were okay. Plus, she was not supposed to be here for Christmas of 2014, since she was not due until February, so it was easier to accept.

Valentine's Day was harder. I took out the Valentine's Day outfit I bought her and stared at it all week. I even hugged it and talked to it at some point.

Lent was rough. As silly and selfish as it may sound, I had a hard time giving something up. Hadn't I sacrificed enough? This, I struggled with.

Easter was wonderful. The message of new life and resurrection brought me great comfort and hope. It was a great surprise after what a tough time I had during Lent.

My birthday was the hardest. I didn't want a birthday without her to hold. She was supposed to be there. We were supposed to host an in-home wine tasting and have our friends over to meet her. That was the plan, and I am not one to happily welcome a change in plans. Still, I survived. My sweet Sofia filled her Grammy's garden with beautiful sweet peas on my birthday, and her daddy made sure I was well taken care of. While heartbroken, I was able to feel grateful for the years that have passed, and hopeful for the years to come.

I know there will be more difficult events to come throughout the remainder of the year... I was supposed to spend my summer with her at the beach. We were supposed to introduce her to the family at a reunion this summer, and go on road trips this fall. She was supposed to be Batman (with a tutu) for Halloween, and get into the presents and the ornaments at Christmas (if we could even manage getting a tree with a little one around!). Living through these moments without my Sofia will be difficult, but if there is anything I have learned, it is that the anticipation of each event is usually much worse than living through the day itself.

This is especially true of this weekend's holiday... Mother's Day.  I had no idea how the anticipation of Mother's Day would completely consume me and make me feel like I've taken a huge step backward in my healing. Maybe I am extra emotional because I also happen to be fighting a horrible cold, and state testing has started, so work is a bit stressful, but the thought of Mother's Day, or anything baby, or anything family, or child related, instantly sends me into a downward spiral of grief and sorrow. Every Mother's Day commercial is a reminder that while I am a mother, I won't get any kisses from my daughter this Mother's Day, and that makes my heart ache more than it has in a while. This week, when I spoke to Sofia it was with tears in my eyes. I took an extra few minutes to stare at her hand and foot print, to sit in her room, to snuggle her stuffed giraffe, or to close my eyes and remember the feel of her soft cheeks on my lips and nose. I held onto my remembrance jewelry for strength and hope, and I prayed for the strength to live a life that makes her proud to call me mama. Every day after losing a child is hard, but the anticipation of Mother's Day, a Hallmark holiday, is ridiculously difficult.

So this year, while I hope all moms have a great Mother's Day, I will be praying extra prayers for moms who know the pain that my heart knows. This year, I pray for the mom who never got to hear that first cry and gasp for air, the mom who felt her baby's body go cold in her own two hands, who never got to change a diaper, wipe a tear, or give a bath. This year, I weep for the mom who never woke in the middle of the night to the sweet cries of her baby, but instead lies awake for hours on end, crying uncontrollably about the fate of her little one. I pray for the mom who did everything she could to keep her baby healthy during pregnancy, the one who took every precaution, and yet nature had different plans. I pray for these moms, and I hope you do too.

I pray that these women, broken and fragile, feel loved this weekend. I pray that they are surrounded by people who wish them a happy Mother's Day and use their babies' names. I pray that their little angels somehow find a way to bless their days, and that they live through the day with a smile. After all, these sweet angels made us mamas, and that is something to smile about. While our tax statements or census reports may not consider us mothers, we are, and forever will be. We know, just as much as any mom, the loving bond that forms between mother and child, even before birth. We know that being a mom can be the most joyous thing, the scariest thing, and the most heartbreaking thing all at once. I pray that we remember this during this Mother's Day, and always.


A child who lost both parents is an orphan. A wife who lost her husband is a widow. A husband who lost his wife is a widower. But there is no word for a mom who lost her child. Moms of loss are still moms.

I am a mom. As painful as it may be, this is my holiday too, and for Sofia, I will cherish it and honor her.

After writing this post I finally built up the courage to read some of the articles and blog posts I bookmarked earlier this week. For those interested in learning how to to better support those who have gone through loss, or to feel less alone if you are going through loss... read on... These are not specific to stillbirth, but to the loss of a child none-the-less.

A Mother's Day Letter to Grieving Moms 
Dealing with Mother's Day after the death of a child
Being the Mother of a Child Who Died -- On Mother's Day 

Sofia's Signs & Sense of Humor

Over the past couple months we have been thrilled to find that our little girl always finds a way into our lives. We have also come to learn that she has a silly sense of humor like her daddy and is surely in-cahoots with God in finding ways to make us laugh.  Here are some examples of how Sofia shines through in our lives.


The Twisted Tulip
Since the day we held Sofia in our arms, we have kept fresh flowers in our home. We keep them next to a framed photo of our hands, gifted to us from my mom, and a beautiful Guardian Willow Tree figurine gifted to us from my Aunt Kathy & Uncle Kevin. The first set of flowers I bought were some beautiful pink tulips.

When I plopped the tulips in a vase I noticed one little tulip that just did not want to stay up like the rest. When I pulled it out to readjust it, here is what I found.

A twisted stem, too twisted to allow this tulip to stand like the rest, but not so twisted to keep it from being a beautiful part of the bouquet. I instantly smiled, laughed out-loud, and then burst into tears, happy tears. It was as if Sofia was saying, "Hi Mama! I am right here and I'm okay!"





Mommy & Daddy's Date Night
After the business of Christmas and New Year's settled, Juan and I were ready for some us time.  I mean, aside from Juan going back to work, we had not been away from each other since the day we held Sofia, but we had been blessed with the company of many friends and family members, and the time we did spend together was usually talking, sharing where we were in the grieving process, and holding each other together (all very important parts of our healing). After a couple of weeks we decided that we were ready for a date night. Our plan was that I would pick Juan up from work, we would get dinner at one of our favorite local restaurants and then catch a movie. Little did we know, our little one had a different plan for us.

Right before I picked Juan up, the mortuary called him. It turns out, Sofia was a bit bigger than they thought she'd be, and her remains would not fit in the tiny urn we had originally selected. They needed us to come in and choose a different urn as soon as possible.  When Juan told me the news we both smiled at each other. There was no question about it, we were canceling our plans and taking care of our sweet girl. This is what it means to be parents, sometimes you must drop plans with no hesitation, because let's face it, your life is no longer yours. It didn't bother us one bit. It was a perfect reminder that although she may not be here for us to hold, we are her parents, and she can still control our lives! Thank you sweet girl, for reminding us of what it means to be parents. Thank you for letting us feel the joys, sacrifices, and sorrows of parenthood.

Jewelry Fiasco

I have been gifted with various beautiful pieces of jewelry to wear in remembrance of Sofia. Each day I get to choose a piece or two to wear as a reminder that she is always with me. One very special piece of jewelry is a bracelet from my mom seen here. One day, before getting our daily workout in, the bracelet fell out of my gym bag and onto Juan's office floor.  He spotted it and made some jokingly smart comment about me not being careful with such an important piece of jewelry. As I laughed and rolled my eyes at him I look on the floor under his office desk only to find... his wedding ring!  I returned the jokingly smart comment and we both laughed so hard! It was like little Miss Sofia was not going to let her daddy get away with teasing her mama like that. We got a great laugh and were once again reminded that this little one will always find her way into our day-to-day lives. 

The Spilled Briefcase
A part of working for a non profit means purchasing things out of pocket then submitting receipts for reimbursement. Juan decided to collect receipts so that he could submit them all together. Well, he can be so organized at times that it actually makes him unorganized, often forgetting where he placed all of his items...  like $193 worth of receipts.  One morning, while rushing to work, because we were already a few minutes behind schedule, Juan picks up his briefcase (in his head it's ever so graceful), only to watch its contents spill all over the floor, revealing the missing receipts. Juan had already resigned to "donating" (eating) the money and there they were all along.  With a sigh of relief he put them in a new safe spot, and thanked Sofia for knocking the briefcase out of his hands and saving us that money!

Ever So Sweet, Sweet Peas
Sofia blew us away with this next one, told beautifully in my sister's Facebook post on Sofia's due date.

On Sofia's due date, there was a single pink sweet pea in full bloom in my mom's garden, and another single pink sweet pea in full bloom in her neighbor's garden. Both were the first flowers of the season to bloom. What a beautiful message! God is good.

We are so amazed by the way God works to keep our little one in our lives. We are grateful for the way some of life's ordinary things now have such extraordinary meanings. We are humbled by the way our little angel will bless our lives forever. 

Sofia Fe Llamas, you never cease to amaze us. You truly are a flame of wisdom and faith, like your name says. God is so good. We are so proud of you and so grateful to be your parents. Thank you for always finding ways to make us smile. 

Physical Reminders, Emotional Pain

"Grief is a process of awareness, of making real inside the self an event that already occurred in reality outside."

-Parkes and Weiss

What is written below is my honest truth. While I am so grateful for the months I carried Sofia, I often feel betrayed by my body. After facing such a loss, why do I still have to face the physical pains of other postpartum moms? Why can't I be exempt from such reminders? These are the questions I try not to ask, but find them pushing themselves into my thoughts. These physical reminders, while painful reminders of loss, are reminders of my reality. I carried a baby. My baby is in heaven. I am still a mom. 

Tailbone & Back Pain 

As any woman who has carried a baby for months knows, your body does not just go back to normal.  I am convinced that after just seven months of things moving around to make way for baby, my body parts will never be fully back to where they started. I am okay with this, as hopefully this means that with the next baby, things won't have to move quite as much.  The tough part though, is dealing with the physical pain. While I had a very pleasant pregnancy, I did face some tailbone discomfort and some slight pain on the right side of my lower back. While pregnant it didn't bother me much. It seemed like a small price to pay for the great rewards that were in store for us. Now, home without my sweet girl, I still suffer from some tailbone and back pain from time to time, and it is much harder to come to terms with. While I am so grateful for the seven months we spent with Sofia, it feels a bit unfair that I am still experiencing this physical pain. I feel like the burden of the emotional pain I am suffering should make me exempt from the physical pain. The reality is my body changed for seven months and will take time to heal. Now I must try to adjust my thinking and see the pain as a reminder of the days I carried her, happy and excited, not as a reminder of the loss. If only it were so easy.

Stretch Marks 

Because I had to spend a few days engorged, waiting for my milk to dry up, I earned a few stretch marks on my left breast. Now that my boobs are back to a normal size, the marks are very small and light, but are still a reminder that she was here, and was supposed to be relieving my body of that painful amount of milk.  As painful as they are to see, these marks are also a reminder that my body can produce milk, and will be able to do so for our future babies. Still, there are some days when I see the marks and I just want to cry. Why must my body remind me of what I lost? Again, I have to work to change my thinking. They can be reminders of what I had, no, what I have, with Sofia. That is what I have to remember. Juan calls them, "Sofia's handprints." That thought makes me happy.

Weight & Body Shape

Every mom deals with postpartum body shape challenges. Like I said before, after months of changing, we don't just pop back into shape. Again, I feel like moms of loss should be exempt from this. We don't have a baby to hold and snuggle and distract us from our newly shaped body.  We can't hold our baby in front of our belly to hide the extra pounds in photos. We most likely didn't take our entire maternity leave, and therefore are forced back into work clothes sooner than our bodies are ready.  This has been the most difficult of physical reminders for me. While I know it is vain, I am really having a hard time accepting my new body. I am too small for maternity clothes, but too big to fit comfortably into most of my pre-pregnancy clothes, so I spend most days looking and feeling frumpy or fat. I have never been a tiny girl, but I like to think I have spent most of my adult years looking fairly healthy or fit. Now I feel overweight. My clothes don't fit right. I want to wear a sticker on my shirt that says, "Please forgive my belly pudge, I gave birth 2 months ago" since I can't stroll my baby around as proof of that. Still, I know it doesn't matter. My reality is that I did carry a baby for 7 months. I earned this new body. I should be proud of it. I should be thankful that I was able to have her for as long as I did. And I am... but still... it hurts.

Luckily, with the help of my motivated hubby (who has lost several pounds in the last month), and under the guidance of my fabulous sister-in-law (who is a certified Health Coach for prenatal and postnatal women, see Fit Moms Facebook Fit Moms Website) I am back in my pre-pregnancy jeans and getting close to my pre-pregnancy weight!  To be fair, the jeans don't quite fit like they used to, but they fit, and I can button them! Juan and I have started a great workout routine together, which not only gives us more energy and gets those positive endorphins going, but also forces us to get out of work sooner (and not work 10-12 hour days as often). Monet has worked with me on specific exercises that target the muscles that need rebuilding after being stretched during pregnancy. Although I don't feel or look quite the same in my pre-pregnancy clothes just yet, I am starting to feel stronger and more flexible again. This is important not only for my (vain) body image, but also because we hope to be pregnant in the coming months, and we want my body to be strong and healthy for our next pregnancy. I am so grateful for Juan and Monet. Without them I would be sitting on the couch eating Girl Scout Cookies and crying each day. I am grateful for their love and support in getting me strong and healthy, the kind of mama Sofia deserves.

And so, to keep my baby proud of her mama, I will push to change my perspective on these physical reminders. I will choose to see them as badges I wear to honor her. 

Medical Update

One of the first milestones we had to pass was our follow-up visit with Dr. Teng. We could not wait to see her, because at this appointment we would get the results of the many tests they ran on me and Sofia, as well as get our many questions answered.  We have found that many of our friends and family are curious about the medical side of what happened, but are sometimes afraid to ask. Hopefully the information provided here answers some questions, and puts some mamas/future mamas at ease. For me, while getting answers does not bring my precious baby back, it does bring me some comfort. The more I understand about the science and medical side, the more I can come to terms with what occurred.

Blood Tests

All blood tests came back normal. Sofia was perfectly healthy, and so was I. There was no sign of bacteria, virus, or infection present in either of us. 

Chromosome Test

Sofia's chromosome results came back with no signs of chromosomal abnormalities. This is quite a relief, as it confirms that this accident was not genetic, and therefore is very unlikely to happen again.

Placenta Culture

This test showed that the placenta was completely healthy. It was properly formed with no sign of infection.

Umbilical Cord Results

As predicted by our doctor on the day of our delivery, this is where we got our answers. The analysis came back confirming a severe left twist in the umbilical cord. This twist prevented the necessary nutrients from passing through. While this was obvious to the naked eye at delivery, we are grateful to have it confirmed by medical analysis. 

Questions About Twisted Cords

Getting answers somehow led to more questions.  Here is what we learned...

Umbilical cords are difficult to see in ultrasounds. We had a 4D ultrasound less than two weeks before we lost Sofia, and the technician did not see any issues with the umbilical cord. Even if there had been signs to lead us to look more closely at the umbilical cord, it is highly unlikely that anything would have been detected. Sofia's cord was twisted the tightest right at her belly. A normal ultrasound machine would not be able to help with detecting this twist.

No one seems to know why some cords twist more than others. Some cords hardly twist at all, and others can be quite curly, doctors cannot explain why.  Our doctor believes that the cord formed this way, while other doctors believe that her movement caused the severe twist. The only thing all doctors agree upon here, is that there is not enough research on umbilical cord accidents.  For being the lifeline to the mother, it seems totally crazy that there isn't more research on them.

Looking Ahead

As much as we hate the word, the best way to describe this accident is to call it a "fluke." We don't know what caused the umbilical cord to twist this way, but it did. While there is nothing we can do differently to prevent this from happening again, our doctor seems to think that another occurrence is highly unlikely, and she has a plan to keep our minds at ease during future pregnancies.   

When we are pregnant again, we will begin to see a specialist around 20 weeks. The specialist will use Doppler technology to measure the amount of fluid passing through the cord. Our doctor will also see us more often, and perform more ultrasounds for peace of mind. We are so grateful for this, but our doctor was very honest, stating that all of these extras are "for peace of mind."  She made it very clear that if something is detected, there is no guarantee of a different outcome. If something is detected, it is possible that I will be hospitalized. Even so, there is no guarantee to a different outcome. 

Still, we are hopeful. We are hopeful that this cord issue truly was a "fluke". While the thought of being pregnant again scares me to death, there is nothing I want more.  As for trying again... we must wait until my body gets through a couple normal cycles. So for now, we pray for patience and we trust that we will find ourselves pregnant again when our hearts and my body are ready.

Medical Bills

Bills, bills, and more bills! As one can imagine, all of these extra tests mean a whole bunch of extra bills.  We had no idea how many tests were needed, and that each test gets sent to a different specialist, meaning a different bill. There is nothing like sitting at the kitchen table surrounded by bills, on hold with insurance, then different labs, then back on the phone with insurance again, all while having no baby to hold at the end of the day. These bills were like salt in the wound.

Luckily, my sister, Cami set up a GoFundMe account back in December. When she first started the fund we felt uncomfortable about it. Now, as we pay off these bills with no baby to snuggle at home, we are very grateful. We have been humbled by the outpouring of generosity from family, friends, and even strangers. The fund should cover almost half of our medical expenses from conception to cremation. Each dollar helps us feel more financially able to pay off these bills and more prepared to cover the bills for our next pregnancy (which will be filled with extra precautionary procedures = greater expenses). We are so grateful for the help of our network of amazing people. There are no words to express our gratitude.

"The death of a child is the single most traumatic event in medicine. To lose a child is to lose a piece of yourself."  

-Dr. Burton Grebin

Blessings to Celebrate from 2014

 "You guys are so strong."

"How are you guys so strong?"

We hear these words often lately.  We don't always feel very strong, and we too look back on December 18th and wonder, "How are we still here? How are we going to continue to get through this?"  There are no easy answers to these questions, but the way I see it is that every day we have a choice. We can choose to stay in bed, cry, and dwell on what could have been, or we can get out of bed, wipe up our tears and find hope and peace in what IS and what will be. Trust me, this choice is not an easy one to make, and some days I find I have to make this choice several times a day, but I will do it. Between the tears, I will choose to count our blessings.

Blessings to Celebrate from 2014

• Juan and I both had a great year professionally.  He opened a new YMCA at the Wellness Center at the Historic General Hospital, and I started coaching an apprentice teacher. We both traveled quite a bit for work as well, reigniting our passions for the work that we do, and becoming better masters in our crafts. 
• When the time was right for us to start building a family, we learned that we can (and did) conceive. So many couples struggle to conceive, and we are grateful that our bodies allowed us to get one step closer to our dream of a family.
• I had an amazing pregnancy. Friends, coworkers, and even my doctor commented on how my body was made to grow babies. I was told I made pregnancy look easy and every check-up showed signs of a healthy baby.  I loved being pregnant, and my body seemed to be doing everything it needed to for baby to grow and for me to remain healthy and feeling good.
• We started living a healthier life. In baby's best interest (and because I am a worrier), I switched us over to organic produce and organic cleaning products. I even changed most of my beauty products. We ate a very balanced diet, filled with powerful pregnancy foods.  Juan even joined me in quitting coffee completely! While I learned I cannot control everything nature will throw at me during subsequent pregnancies, we have decided that these lifestyle changes benefited Sofia, and will continue to benefit us and our future babies. We will continue following these healthier life choices. 
• We were blessed with a baby girl. Both of our families were long overdue for a new little lady, so we were all overjoyed when we found out Baby Llamas was a girl! We had so much fun sharing the news of our little one and enjoyed shopping for adorable outfits and decorating her room.
• We became parents. Each day came with new excitements and the occasional new fear.  We learned the feeling of unconditional love. Who would have thought we could love someone so small, in such a short amount of time? For 32 weeks we fell more in love with her, and with each other, and continue to do so as we learn from her and what we have experienced.
• Upon delivering Sofia, we learned that the cause of her passing was an umbilical cord accident. This brought us some relief. It was not a genetic disorder. It was not a virus. It was not a chromosome problem. It was nothing that could have been prevented, detected, nor fixed. It was an accident. I did not cause it. My body did not cause it. The environment did not cause it. Genetics did not cause it. It was an accident. 
• Since her delivery, we have done some research and learned that the cause of death is left unknown in more than half of all stillbirths.  Although it was heartbreaking to see her umbilical cord twisted so tightly at the base of her belly, we are grateful that the cause of her death was so clear. Knowing the cause helps us have closure, heal, and have hope for the future. (We still do not know why the cord got so twisted. That is something we may never know. There is not much research on the subject, and we are still waiting for lab results from the blood that they drew that day. All we know is babies move around a lot in the womb, and our little dancer loved to twirl.)
• We are surrounded by love. Our parents. Our siblings. Our grandparents. Our aunts and uncles. Our cousins. Our friends. Our coworkers. Our acquaintances. Our doctor and nurses. Friends from years ago. Friends of friends. Complete strangers. We are surrounded by love. Every phone call, every Facebook message, every card, every text, every prayer, every flower, every gift, every meal, and every hug has held us up and pushed us along this path of healing. People have opened up and shared their own stories with us, giving us strength and hope. People have thanked us for sharing our story, which reminds us that we are on this journey together. People have not only reached out to us, but to our families, bringing comfort and spreading love. What great reminders that we are not alone.
• We have been given new wisdom. We have learned more than I can put into words here. About ourselves as individuals, about us as a couple, about our priorities, goals, and values. About life and how precious it is. She has taught us these things. With this new wisdom, we will live better lives. Sofia has changed our perspective, and for this we are forever grateful.
• We have a deepened faith. I always thought an experience like this would shatter my faith, yet somehow, I continue to turn toward God to get us through this. In fact, I do believe that our day with Sofia brought me closer to Him. He was in that room that day and has blessed me with His grace and held me in His arms each and every day since then.  With that, we continue to be faithful.

Sofia: wisdom

Fe: faith

Llamas: flames

She truly is our flame of wisdom and faith, our greatest gift of 2014.

With all of this and more to celebrate from 2014, we look to 2015 with great hope and excitement and believe there will, once again, be much to celebrate.

Happy New Year!