525,600 minutes... how do you measure a year?
Seasons of Love - Rent
This song has always been a favorite musical hit of mine, but this year the question it asks really resonates with me. What a year 2015 has been. How would I measure this year?
2015 did not start or end the way we thought it would. It was supposed to start with welcoming a baby, not mourning one, and after all that happened, it was not supposed to end with a baby... even with doctor approval to try, we couldn't possibly be lucky enough to conceive and deliver another baby by the end of the year... but we did, and for that I am so grateful.
2015 was a roller coaster of emotion. We were constantly in awe of how God can work such joy into your life when at the same time you feel such pain. We welcomed the joy, while allowing the pain into our hearts too. We made the decision to acknowledge all we are grateful for, including the time we had with our baby girl. We also chose to live it up with Dodger games, trips to the theater, wine tasting trips with friends (I served as DD once pregnant of course), and so much more. Sure, maybe we were busying ourselves to numb the pain, but in the meantime we made so many memories and it was so worth it. 525,600 minutes... 525,600 moments to choose joy and gratitude while acknowledging sadness and pain. 525,600 chances to choose hope over fear by getting out of bed and living a full life.
2015 was also a year of physical challenges for me. In just over a year, I endured two pregnancies. In just under a year I delivered my first two babies. In less than two years I gained and lost over 30 pounds... twice. In less than a two year span, I was pregnant for 17 months... and I'm still standing! 525,600 minutes... 525,600 opportunities to be grateful for all the amazing things the female body is capable of.
We brought in the new year along Colorado Boulevard for our annual watching of the Rose Parade. As I sat there, all bundled up, cozy baby in my arms, I couldn't help but tear up as the parade began. Just a year ago I was sitting in that same spot, faking a smile and wishing for a day I could smile a real smile again. I had no idea that just one year later I'd be able to do so. My heart still aches, but it rejoices too.
So I guess I'd measure this past year in choices, 525,600 moments to choose. This year I did my best to spend most of those moments choosing joy, hope, gratitude, and love.
How do you measure a year?
Sunday, January 3, 2016
Saturday, October 24, 2015
Entering the Unknown
After hitting 32 weeks, we are now entering unexplored territory. So far, I have felt very much like a second-time mom. Everything up to 32 weeks was familiar to me, predictable and comfortable. Now, I am back to some first times, and it is a weird position to be in. I am not fully a second time mom, and yet, not really a first time mom either. I am somewhere in between, and it is a bizarre place to be.
When it comes to weeks 33 and on of pregnancy, however, I am a first-timer. For the first time I am experiencing the joys of crazy swollen feet and fingers, discomfort everywhere, the impossible task of picking anything up off the floor or tying shoes (partially because I can't reach, partially because my feet are so swollen I'd rather leave them untied), the challenges of rolling over in bed.... as anyone who has gone full term with a baby knows... the list goes on and on. But with all of these less desirable experiences, I am also feeling for the first time, that feeling of knowing exactly which body part of Baby is where. The movements are so strong and so distinct, I have a clear image of what he is doing in there. I know when he is awake and when he is sleeping. I know when he has the hiccups and when he is stretching. Big, distinct movements are definitely something new for me, and I love it.
In these final weeks I have also realized how close we were to the finish line with Sofia. Time seems to fly once you hit 33 weeks. We were SO close to full term with her, which is a tough reality to swallow. Just last night however, I was thanking God for taking her when He did, just before the pains and discomforts of the third trimester really set in. My pregnancy with her ended in the honeymoon stages. I wanted to be pregnant forever. I loved every minute of it. Today I am thankful to be at this point in pregnancy, and I have enjoyed the ride, but I am also so ready for him to just be here, and for my body to slowly start to feel somewhat normal again.
So, let the countdown to welcoming Joaquin begin!
While I am enjoying this pregnancy, there are many things that have made it tougher to enjoy. Most are obvious, pregnancy after loss reasons, others are new challenges that I've had to face with this pregnancy. Let me tell you, it does not matter what you've been through, there are no free passes!
Why I am ready for him NOW:
This week we had an appointment with the specialist. Joaquin is looking perfectly healthy, and measuring slightly big. At 34 weeks, he is already almost 6 pounds! Our doctor said that depending on his growth over the next three weeks, they will determine whether or not they let me go a full 40 weeks. This made me so happy. As much as I want to enjoy the ride, if I can get a healthy baby in my arms sooner than that, I will be delighted! I'm hoping that if they do make me go early they just induce me, but depending on his size, there is a possibility of a C-section (not my ideal choice, but hey, if it gets him here healthy, I will take it!). After throwing my arms in the air and cheering in the patient's chair it hit me... he could be here in 4 weeks! Then the excitement and panic of "Oh wow we have a lot to do" set in. It is mostly excitement though. I know we will be as ready as we can be when he gets here. We will be first time bringing-a-baby-home parents, and you can never be fully ready for that... so bring him on! We are waiting eagerly for you, Joaquin! We will do our best to have your clothes washed and essentials purchased, but no matter what we have and don't have ready, our hearts are ready more than you know. Can't wait to kiss your cheeks little (big) guy! (and if you're here before Thanksgiving, Mama may get to have mashed potatoes and pie after all! woohoo).
See you soon, Baby Boy!
When it comes to weeks 33 and on of pregnancy, however, I am a first-timer. For the first time I am experiencing the joys of crazy swollen feet and fingers, discomfort everywhere, the impossible task of picking anything up off the floor or tying shoes (partially because I can't reach, partially because my feet are so swollen I'd rather leave them untied), the challenges of rolling over in bed.... as anyone who has gone full term with a baby knows... the list goes on and on. But with all of these less desirable experiences, I am also feeling for the first time, that feeling of knowing exactly which body part of Baby is where. The movements are so strong and so distinct, I have a clear image of what he is doing in there. I know when he is awake and when he is sleeping. I know when he has the hiccups and when he is stretching. Big, distinct movements are definitely something new for me, and I love it.
In these final weeks I have also realized how close we were to the finish line with Sofia. Time seems to fly once you hit 33 weeks. We were SO close to full term with her, which is a tough reality to swallow. Just last night however, I was thanking God for taking her when He did, just before the pains and discomforts of the third trimester really set in. My pregnancy with her ended in the honeymoon stages. I wanted to be pregnant forever. I loved every minute of it. Today I am thankful to be at this point in pregnancy, and I have enjoyed the ride, but I am also so ready for him to just be here, and for my body to slowly start to feel somewhat normal again.
So, let the countdown to welcoming Joaquin begin!
While I am enjoying this pregnancy, there are many things that have made it tougher to enjoy. Most are obvious, pregnancy after loss reasons, others are new challenges that I've had to face with this pregnancy. Let me tell you, it does not matter what you've been through, there are no free passes!
Why I am ready for him NOW:
- Being pregnant after a loss is terrifying, every minute of every day. The first 20 weeks are the toughest, but after that it doesn't get much easier. Even when you feel Baby move constantly, your mind can go to dark places about what could or might happen. No statistic keeps you feeling safe. You know what it is like to be in the 1%. It may not sound like a lot, but once you fall there, you know that the odds may not always be in your favor.
- Numerous doctor appointments I must say that I am so glad I am being monitored more closely. I think going more than a week without seeing a doctor would have me in an anxiety-ridden panic most of the time. However, tending to so many appointments is exhausting. Since about 28 weeks we have gone to at least one appointment a week, sometimes two or three appointments in one day (with different doctors). While it is great reassurance that everything is going well, it is time consuming. It takes us away from work, it interferes with our usual weekday routines, it is just exhausting. In fact, having so many appointments is what really inspired us to do our babymoon. It was during those days we could just focus on each other and on Baby, without having to worry about scheduling, attending, or financing various appointments. Juan has been such an amazing supporter through all of this, as he too has been to every appointment. I am so grateful for him, and for my colleagues at work, who make it possible for me to be at these appointments while my students remain in good hands.
- Blood Sugar Luckily, I do not have Gestational Diabetes. However, I've been told that I have a "temporary, minor glucose intolerance" and because of my history, they are monitoring me as if I have GD. I thought my OB was going to cry when she shared this news with me. "As if you need more to worry about" she told me. Like I said... no free passes. So yes, I have been poking my finger 4 times a day to monitor my sugars and meeting with a dietitian regularly. Thankfully, my numbers have been good and I haven't had to change what I eat much. In fact, I've been pushed to eat more (which is exhausting... what teacher has time to eat multiple snacks all day long?!?!) and just spread my fruits and carbs out during the day and go walking every night. It is exhausting though. I have big respect for women with full blown GD. Having to think about everything you eat, how much of it, when you eat it, what you eat it with, etc. is exhausting. Just another thing to add to the list of things to do... meet with OB, meet with specialist, meet with dietitian, match every fruit or carb with a protein, eat high carb/protein snacks four times a day, pack said snacks for work every day, poke finger and take blood 4 times a day- at particular times, go on a 30+ minute walk every night, remember to take prenatal vitamins.... oh yes and do all of those other baby-prep/nesting tasks too.... and go to work. Needless to say, I am pooped.
This week we had an appointment with the specialist. Joaquin is looking perfectly healthy, and measuring slightly big. At 34 weeks, he is already almost 6 pounds! Our doctor said that depending on his growth over the next three weeks, they will determine whether or not they let me go a full 40 weeks. This made me so happy. As much as I want to enjoy the ride, if I can get a healthy baby in my arms sooner than that, I will be delighted! I'm hoping that if they do make me go early they just induce me, but depending on his size, there is a possibility of a C-section (not my ideal choice, but hey, if it gets him here healthy, I will take it!). After throwing my arms in the air and cheering in the patient's chair it hit me... he could be here in 4 weeks! Then the excitement and panic of "Oh wow we have a lot to do" set in. It is mostly excitement though. I know we will be as ready as we can be when he gets here. We will be first time bringing-a-baby-home parents, and you can never be fully ready for that... so bring him on! We are waiting eagerly for you, Joaquin! We will do our best to have your clothes washed and essentials purchased, but no matter what we have and don't have ready, our hearts are ready more than you know. Can't wait to kiss your cheeks little (big) guy! (and if you're here before Thanksgiving, Mama may get to have mashed potatoes and pie after all! woohoo).
See you soon, Baby Boy!
Thursday, October 8, 2015
32 Weeks: A Bittersweet Milestone for the Llamas Family
My Sweet Sofia,
As of today, your baby brother has been growing in my belly for 32 weeks. That's how long I got to carry you! For the last 32 weeks I've been anticipating this milestone, eager to make it this far, and unsure about how I would feel being 32 weeks pregnant again. To my surprise, the weeks leading up to 32 were much tougher than actually hitting 32 weeks. Being 29, 30 and 31 weeks pregnant brought back so many happy memories. During those last few weeks with you in my belly we did so much. We had your 3D ultrasound done, took photos for our Christmas card, shopped for you and prepared your room, got all Christmas shopping done and wrapped, put up the Christmas tree, decorated for Christmas, baked tons of cookies for coworkers, attended a tea party baby shower in your honor, even went to a cheer competition at Six Flags with a bunch of middle school girls. We were so busy, you and I, and I loved having you there to experience it all with me. While all of these memories brought such joy to my heart and so many smiles to my face over the last few weeks, they also reminded me of how much I miss you. It is crazy how my heart can still ache for you, yet I feel your presence in our lives more and more each day. Your journey in my belly may have been cut short, but your journey in my heart is eternal, and for that I am grateful.
Thank you for sending us your little brother. We needed him to join our lives when he did more than we even realized. You are one wise girl, Sofie. Daddy and I love you so much.
My Happy Joaquin,
Happy 32 weeks! Daddy and I cannot wait to meet you. Having you grow in my belly for the last 32 weeks has been such an adventure. We are so grateful for you. You are a gift and blessing in our lives, perfectly timed for our family. With every kick and squirm, you fill me with hope and gratitude. You remind me a lot of your sister, but you definitely have your own spunky personality too! Sometimes when I think about you, I am so happy I cry. Sometimes I stay up WAY too late, just to feel you dance around. I cannot wait to see your dance moves in person. Sometimes I worry about you, something I will do for the rest of my life. To be honest, there were moments, months ago, that I wasn't sure we would make it this far with you, despite how perfectly healthy you've been all along. I only got to carry your sister for 32 weeks, so I couldn't help but worry that I would only have that much time with you too. Now that we are here however, I am certain that our journey with you is just beginning, and your sister will live through us all forever. Thank you for renewing our hope and strengthening our faith. We love you so much, and cannot wait to meet you!
I love you, my sweet babies!
Love,
Mama
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
Carrying a Boy While Grieving a Girl
Since we delivered Sofia we were both pretty adamant about wanting, about needing, to have a girl next. When we spoke with the counselor at the hospital on the day we delivered Sofia, we voiced concern about our fears for our next child if it turned out to be a boy. What if we could not love him, because he was not a girl?!? The counselor assured us that our feelings were normal, and when the time came, we would love our baby with such immense love, no matter the gender. We listened, but the fear lingered in our hearts. We spent so many days planning for life with a girl, dreaming about life with a girl, shopping for our little girl, now she was gone, and those hopes and dreams were not.
As months passed we went through different phases. Around March we were both more accepting of the idea of a son. Still, once we knew we were pregnant, we hoped for a little girl to bring all those dreams back to life, and to wear all those clothes we bought her big sister. We read articles about pregnancy after loss and how most people find it easier to have the opposite gender after a loss, but we ignored those sentiments and stayed stubborn in our need for a girl.
Just a week before we'd find out the gender, I finally accepted in my heart that we were having a boy, and I cried. I knew in my gut it was a boy, and I also knew that a boy was exactly what we needed. I was simply in denial of that during the prior months of my journey. Just after my realization and acceptance, Juan went on his annual Yosemite trip with his friends. While on that trip, something changed within him too. He too was certain we were having a boy, and was 100% certain that a boy was meant to be next in our line-up.
Sure enough, when we visited the specialist at 18 weeks, it was clear as day we are having a boy! Since then, it has become more and more evident that a boy is exactly what we need in our family at this time. Sure, we hope to have a girl someday. Yes, we want a little sister who will wear the clothes we bought Sofia and do all the things that little girls do, but having a girl this close to Sofia would not be fair to this next baby, or to Sofia. You see, being pregnant with another girl this close together would kind of feel like we were just picking up where we left off. It would feel like this little one would have to fulfill all that we had dreamed up for Sofia. We would certainly make the common parent slip and call her Sofia time and time again, and ultimately at age 13 in the midst of a fit she would probably scream, "I am sorry I'm not Sofia!" and slam the door in our heartbroken faces. We don't want that for this child, and we don't want that for Sofie. Each baby deserves to have her time, her place, her dreams to fulfill. I can now understand and accept that having a girl this close to Sofia would have made it more difficult to give each of my girls some time of their own. The pregnancies are so close I can already see how easily the memories could get blurred together. Since finding out we are having a boy though, this pregnancy has taken on a personality of its own. It is a boy, and that means new clothes, new room, new names, and new dreams, completely different than those we built for Sofia. Having some years apart and a brother in between is sure to help our future daughter not feel like a replacement for the daughter we lost.
This little guy came with perfect timing. Now we are dreaming up all things boy and we are having a blast with it! Within a week of knowing he was a he, we had shopped enough to give him a wardrobe larger than his big sister's! Now, just short of a month into knowing, we have already put in a good deal of work on his room, and we constantly debate which sports he will play. I am sure he is going to be such a goofball and a gentleman, just like his daddy, and am certain that his love will melt my heart. We can't wait to see him try to keep up with his 7 older boy cousins and 6 sons of friends (we are surrounded by boys around here!). We are looking forward to trains and trash-trucks and cars and Legos littering our carpet. I cannot wait to see him as Juan's little buddy and side-kick. They are sure to be a tag-team comedy act. Back in December it was not that we were against having a boy, we just hadn't taken the time to think about all the wonderful things that little boys bring. Now that we have, we could not be more excited!
We are also certain that big sister Sofia has a lot to do with sending us this little guy. As Juan puts it, it is like she is at "Build-A-Bear" in Heaven where she can "build a brother" instead. He is a gift that she's been working closely with God to send us. Her purpose on Earth was fulfilled in such a short time, and now her eternal purpose is bigger and grander than we'd ever dreamed. She is not only a big sister, but a guardian angel. An advocate, a guide, and a source of comfort for her baby brother, her parents, and her siblings to come. We are so blessed.
As months passed we went through different phases. Around March we were both more accepting of the idea of a son. Still, once we knew we were pregnant, we hoped for a little girl to bring all those dreams back to life, and to wear all those clothes we bought her big sister. We read articles about pregnancy after loss and how most people find it easier to have the opposite gender after a loss, but we ignored those sentiments and stayed stubborn in our need for a girl.
Just a week before we'd find out the gender, I finally accepted in my heart that we were having a boy, and I cried. I knew in my gut it was a boy, and I also knew that a boy was exactly what we needed. I was simply in denial of that during the prior months of my journey. Just after my realization and acceptance, Juan went on his annual Yosemite trip with his friends. While on that trip, something changed within him too. He too was certain we were having a boy, and was 100% certain that a boy was meant to be next in our line-up.
Sure enough, when we visited the specialist at 18 weeks, it was clear as day we are having a boy! Since then, it has become more and more evident that a boy is exactly what we need in our family at this time. Sure, we hope to have a girl someday. Yes, we want a little sister who will wear the clothes we bought Sofia and do all the things that little girls do, but having a girl this close to Sofia would not be fair to this next baby, or to Sofia. You see, being pregnant with another girl this close together would kind of feel like we were just picking up where we left off. It would feel like this little one would have to fulfill all that we had dreamed up for Sofia. We would certainly make the common parent slip and call her Sofia time and time again, and ultimately at age 13 in the midst of a fit she would probably scream, "I am sorry I'm not Sofia!" and slam the door in our heartbroken faces. We don't want that for this child, and we don't want that for Sofie. Each baby deserves to have her time, her place, her dreams to fulfill. I can now understand and accept that having a girl this close to Sofia would have made it more difficult to give each of my girls some time of their own. The pregnancies are so close I can already see how easily the memories could get blurred together. Since finding out we are having a boy though, this pregnancy has taken on a personality of its own. It is a boy, and that means new clothes, new room, new names, and new dreams, completely different than those we built for Sofia. Having some years apart and a brother in between is sure to help our future daughter not feel like a replacement for the daughter we lost.
This little guy came with perfect timing. Now we are dreaming up all things boy and we are having a blast with it! Within a week of knowing he was a he, we had shopped enough to give him a wardrobe larger than his big sister's! Now, just short of a month into knowing, we have already put in a good deal of work on his room, and we constantly debate which sports he will play. I am sure he is going to be such a goofball and a gentleman, just like his daddy, and am certain that his love will melt my heart. We can't wait to see him try to keep up with his 7 older boy cousins and 6 sons of friends (we are surrounded by boys around here!). We are looking forward to trains and trash-trucks and cars and Legos littering our carpet. I cannot wait to see him as Juan's little buddy and side-kick. They are sure to be a tag-team comedy act. Back in December it was not that we were against having a boy, we just hadn't taken the time to think about all the wonderful things that little boys bring. Now that we have, we could not be more excited!
We are also certain that big sister Sofia has a lot to do with sending us this little guy. As Juan puts it, it is like she is at "Build-A-Bear" in Heaven where she can "build a brother" instead. He is a gift that she's been working closely with God to send us. Her purpose on Earth was fulfilled in such a short time, and now her eternal purpose is bigger and grander than we'd ever dreamed. She is not only a big sister, but a guardian angel. An advocate, a guide, and a source of comfort for her baby brother, her parents, and her siblings to come. We are so blessed.
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
Frequently Asked Questions
Now that the news is public, I thought I'd take some time to record my answers to many frequently asked questions. I will be honest, answering questions is quite therapeutic for me. It helps me process my experiences and my emotions, and it shows such empathy from those around. If you have other questions, please reach out to me. No question is too personal or off limits. Some are easier to answer than others, but if it comes up in your head, I probably have already asked it of myself. Ask me anything.
Did you plan to get pregnant this soon?
Yes. As soon as we were given the go from the doctor, we knew we were ready to try. Once given the go, we realized that depending on our timing, we could end up with a baby on/near Sofia's delivery date or due date. We did not want to deliver on Sofia's delivery date, as we want that day to always be special for her. Therefore we knew we wanted a date at least 2 weeks before or a month or more after. While a similar due date won't bother me for future pregnancies, I feared that hitting all the same milestones at all the same times of the year with this next baby, would be too deja vu for me. I wasn't too keen on having a 32 week appointment exactly a year from Sofia's 32 week appointment. So that left us two options: try right away and get a due date two and a half weeks before we delivered Sofia, or wait at least 3 more months. Three months felt like a lifetime away (see next question for more) so we gave our luck a try. We both were not too confident that we'd conceive right away. My cycles were still a bit longer and irregular, and therefore harder to track to get the timing right. Lucky for us we proved to be quite fertile once again (something we are so grateful for)!
How did you know you were ready to try again, especially when in such a fragile state?
It may seem insensitive, but one of the first questions we asked the doctor was when we would be able to try again. This takes nothing away from our love for Sofia. Sofia 100% is responsible for us becoming parents. Sure, there will be several firsts that we experience with our next baby, but Sofia has shaped the way we are as parents in ways I cannot even explain. Also, we are 100% certain that having our next baby will not take away the pain we feel from Sofia's loss. Our hearts are forever changed by her absence. A new baby will in no way replace her or fill the gap in our hearts. We know that. However, we still dream of being parents to a living child. This dream has not gone away. A new baby can make this dream a reality. As any couple who has started trying to conceive knows, once you are ready to parent a living baby, you are ready. Waiting can be frustrating and heartbreaking. We've been ready for sometime. Our time to parent a living child has just been delayed a bit, and we are now learning to parent one we cannot hold. But that doesn't mean we have to give up that dream.
That being said, had we been given the go in January, we would not have tried. We did need some time. I went through a brief stage in which I feared I would never be happy again. I did not want my future kids to have an eternally sad mother, and therefore I thought maybe we shouldn't try for any more. Those thoughts did not last long as I realized that would be unfair to my sweet angel. She deserves to be honored by a mother who can find ways to smile and be the best darn mama she can be to all of her children, on Earth or in Heaven. As the days passed I was able to smile real smiles and find joy in each day. My sweet Sofia helped me get there, and continues to do so today.
Now that I am well into the second trimester, I am so grateful we got pregnant when we did. By the time we conceived I had worked through a lot of emotions and grief. I had come to many realizations and accepted our new reality as a family. I had time to find resources on becoming pregnant again after loss, and started to prepare myself for what was to come. I had just enough time to expose myself to it all before we were pregnant. Now I know that had we waited much longer, had I done more reading or research on pregnancy after loss, I may have chickened out. Sometimes not knowing the realities to come makes it easier to be brave. If I'd taken too much time thinking about what it would be like to be pregnant after loss I probably would have wanted to put it off for a few years. I'm glad that is not the case. The best way to deal with fear is to face it, not to avoid it and let it grow.
But what about the baby weight? You worked so hard to get it off!
This is true. I worked my butt off to get as close to my pre-pregnancy weight as possible as quickly as I could. Let me let you in on a little secret... the real reason for that was so that I could become pregnant again. While it was not necessary to get down to my previous weight to get pregnant again, the doctor did advise that it would make my next pregnancy more comfortable on my body. That made sense to me. Starting at a higher weight would mean ending at a higher weight which would mean more achy bones and muscles due to the extra weight being carried around. Also, let's not forget that I am now committing my body to 16+ months of pregnancy in a 19 month span. That's a lot on a body! I want to be sure I keep it as healthy and strong as I can through all of these changes. Luckily, with the help and guidance of my sister-in-law, the motivation of my hubby, and a membership to a prenatal yoga class, I am confident that I will come out of this second pregnancy even stronger and healthier than before I was pregnant with Sofia.
How will you be monitored differently this time around?
At 18 weeks we got to see a perinatologist for the first time. In addition to checking all vital organs and measuring all body parts, the specialist closely examined the umbilical cord. We were able to not only see the fluids traveling in and out through the cord, but also hear them. It was pretty amazing. Right now, everything looks perfectly normal and healthy. We will visit our normal OB every four weeks as usual, and go back to the specialist at twenty-two weeks. As for future appointments, a lot will depend on what they find as we go. Tentatively speaking, it sounds like we will start kick counts at 28 weeks and then go in twice a week starting at 31 weeks just to check the heartbeat (mainly to ease this anxious pregnant mommy's mind).
To be honest, I would have gone in once a week since we conceived if they let me, but as Juan reminds me, we are lucky that we are not considered high risk in that way. What happened with Sofia's cord is likely to be an isolated incident, not something genetic, and for that we should be grateful.
Fortunately, I do not have any additional restrictions. I can exercise as usual, and continue with my normal activities. For that I am grateful. Of course, I am still crazy paranoid and overcautious, but at least I know the doctors don't think I need to be.
How are you feeling?
This is always a funny question for me. Ever since delivering Sofia, I never know if people mean "physically" or "emotionally" because, let's be real, pregnancy and delivering a human make you feel wacky both physically and emotionally. So I guess I will answer both...
Physically speaking, I've felt pretty good all along. Sure I've got sore boobs, stretching uterus cramps, an insane sense of smell (not good when you teach stinky middle-schoolers and/or middle-schoolers who use Axe), I cannot brush my teeth without gagging, I'm totally bloated all the time and eternally exhausted, but I love it. I adopted the phrase "Happy to be feeling crappy" during my first trimester. These are all the same symptoms I had with Sofia (although the exhaustion is heightened due to dealing with grief and teaching during this time... with Sofia I was pregnant right before school got out, so I was able to rest a lot more). It feels good to be pregnant again. Yes pregnancy comes with a lot of physical challenges, but it is worth it. I am so grateful that I am able to get pregnant. I will take these minor side effects. (Also... I think I have it pretty easy compared to some women when it comes to the first trimester.)
Emotionally? I am a hot mess. There will be several blog posts all about this. It is insane how you can be so happy and yet so sad all at the same time, not to mention the fear and anxiety. Add pregnancy hormones to all of these contradictory emotions and you've got... well... me. I go from crying happy tears to balling uncontrollably in a split second. One minute I'm driving home from work singing along with the radio, and the next I am pulled over on the side of the freeway shaking as I cry and scream that I just want to hold Sofia. I know if it weren't for her I wouldn't have this little bundle, but, I want them both! Is that too much to ask?!?! Sometimes I see a pregnant woman and smile, other times I instantly hate her and her innocence about pregnancy (even without knowing her or her story!) and then I am filled with guilt for having such horrible thoughts!
I'm a mess, but I am okay with that. I let myself feel everything I need to feel. All of these thoughts and feelings are "normal" and part of my journey. I just have to check myself and my thoughts. While I can be scared, I cannot let it own me, I must also be hopeful. While I can be angry, I cannot let it stay, I must too be grateful. While I can be sad, I must also find reasons to smile. While I can be jealous of the first time mom who knows nothing of the pain I know, I must remember the day I got to hold our sweet girl, and remember that I would go back and do it again if it meant I got to kiss her little nose again. While I can be frustrated with the pregnant women who make choices during pregnancy that I did not make, and they get to take their babies home and I did not, I must remember that life is not fair, and the choices I will continue to make in this and future pregnancies will give my kids a greater quality of life and are worth the sacrifice.
If you have any other questions, from my pregnancy with Sofia, to a still-birth delivery, to pregnancy after loss, or follow-up questions to these, do not hesitate to ask. I feel a deep calling to help people with similar stories, and to educate those who are fortunate enough to never know this pain, but willing to learn more about it.
Sidenote: The following is not so much a question, but a common misconception that I find myself having to clarify quite often. Sofia's cord was not around her neck. While cords around the neck can be somewhat common, Sofia's cord accident was completely different. Here is my attempt to clarify this less common, more dangerous type of cord accident. If you imagine where her cord connected to her belly, imagine a straw twisted and twisted until nothing can get through. That is what was wrong with her cord. Right at the base of the cord, the cord was so severely twisted that no fluids could pass through to her. Our doctors agree that this is not due to the movement of the baby (like a knot or a loop around the neck would be), but rather due to the way the cord formed from the beginning. Hopefully this sheds some light on the variety and severity of cord accidents.
Did you plan to get pregnant this soon?
Yes. As soon as we were given the go from the doctor, we knew we were ready to try. Once given the go, we realized that depending on our timing, we could end up with a baby on/near Sofia's delivery date or due date. We did not want to deliver on Sofia's delivery date, as we want that day to always be special for her. Therefore we knew we wanted a date at least 2 weeks before or a month or more after. While a similar due date won't bother me for future pregnancies, I feared that hitting all the same milestones at all the same times of the year with this next baby, would be too deja vu for me. I wasn't too keen on having a 32 week appointment exactly a year from Sofia's 32 week appointment. So that left us two options: try right away and get a due date two and a half weeks before we delivered Sofia, or wait at least 3 more months. Three months felt like a lifetime away (see next question for more) so we gave our luck a try. We both were not too confident that we'd conceive right away. My cycles were still a bit longer and irregular, and therefore harder to track to get the timing right. Lucky for us we proved to be quite fertile once again (something we are so grateful for)!
How did you know you were ready to try again, especially when in such a fragile state?
It may seem insensitive, but one of the first questions we asked the doctor was when we would be able to try again. This takes nothing away from our love for Sofia. Sofia 100% is responsible for us becoming parents. Sure, there will be several firsts that we experience with our next baby, but Sofia has shaped the way we are as parents in ways I cannot even explain. Also, we are 100% certain that having our next baby will not take away the pain we feel from Sofia's loss. Our hearts are forever changed by her absence. A new baby will in no way replace her or fill the gap in our hearts. We know that. However, we still dream of being parents to a living child. This dream has not gone away. A new baby can make this dream a reality. As any couple who has started trying to conceive knows, once you are ready to parent a living baby, you are ready. Waiting can be frustrating and heartbreaking. We've been ready for sometime. Our time to parent a living child has just been delayed a bit, and we are now learning to parent one we cannot hold. But that doesn't mean we have to give up that dream.
That being said, had we been given the go in January, we would not have tried. We did need some time. I went through a brief stage in which I feared I would never be happy again. I did not want my future kids to have an eternally sad mother, and therefore I thought maybe we shouldn't try for any more. Those thoughts did not last long as I realized that would be unfair to my sweet angel. She deserves to be honored by a mother who can find ways to smile and be the best darn mama she can be to all of her children, on Earth or in Heaven. As the days passed I was able to smile real smiles and find joy in each day. My sweet Sofia helped me get there, and continues to do so today.
Now that I am well into the second trimester, I am so grateful we got pregnant when we did. By the time we conceived I had worked through a lot of emotions and grief. I had come to many realizations and accepted our new reality as a family. I had time to find resources on becoming pregnant again after loss, and started to prepare myself for what was to come. I had just enough time to expose myself to it all before we were pregnant. Now I know that had we waited much longer, had I done more reading or research on pregnancy after loss, I may have chickened out. Sometimes not knowing the realities to come makes it easier to be brave. If I'd taken too much time thinking about what it would be like to be pregnant after loss I probably would have wanted to put it off for a few years. I'm glad that is not the case. The best way to deal with fear is to face it, not to avoid it and let it grow.
But what about the baby weight? You worked so hard to get it off!
This is true. I worked my butt off to get as close to my pre-pregnancy weight as possible as quickly as I could. Let me let you in on a little secret... the real reason for that was so that I could become pregnant again. While it was not necessary to get down to my previous weight to get pregnant again, the doctor did advise that it would make my next pregnancy more comfortable on my body. That made sense to me. Starting at a higher weight would mean ending at a higher weight which would mean more achy bones and muscles due to the extra weight being carried around. Also, let's not forget that I am now committing my body to 16+ months of pregnancy in a 19 month span. That's a lot on a body! I want to be sure I keep it as healthy and strong as I can through all of these changes. Luckily, with the help and guidance of my sister-in-law, the motivation of my hubby, and a membership to a prenatal yoga class, I am confident that I will come out of this second pregnancy even stronger and healthier than before I was pregnant with Sofia.
How will you be monitored differently this time around?
At 18 weeks we got to see a perinatologist for the first time. In addition to checking all vital organs and measuring all body parts, the specialist closely examined the umbilical cord. We were able to not only see the fluids traveling in and out through the cord, but also hear them. It was pretty amazing. Right now, everything looks perfectly normal and healthy. We will visit our normal OB every four weeks as usual, and go back to the specialist at twenty-two weeks. As for future appointments, a lot will depend on what they find as we go. Tentatively speaking, it sounds like we will start kick counts at 28 weeks and then go in twice a week starting at 31 weeks just to check the heartbeat (mainly to ease this anxious pregnant mommy's mind).
To be honest, I would have gone in once a week since we conceived if they let me, but as Juan reminds me, we are lucky that we are not considered high risk in that way. What happened with Sofia's cord is likely to be an isolated incident, not something genetic, and for that we should be grateful.
Fortunately, I do not have any additional restrictions. I can exercise as usual, and continue with my normal activities. For that I am grateful. Of course, I am still crazy paranoid and overcautious, but at least I know the doctors don't think I need to be.
How are you feeling?
This is always a funny question for me. Ever since delivering Sofia, I never know if people mean "physically" or "emotionally" because, let's be real, pregnancy and delivering a human make you feel wacky both physically and emotionally. So I guess I will answer both...
Physically speaking, I've felt pretty good all along. Sure I've got sore boobs, stretching uterus cramps, an insane sense of smell (not good when you teach stinky middle-schoolers and/or middle-schoolers who use Axe), I cannot brush my teeth without gagging, I'm totally bloated all the time and eternally exhausted, but I love it. I adopted the phrase "Happy to be feeling crappy" during my first trimester. These are all the same symptoms I had with Sofia (although the exhaustion is heightened due to dealing with grief and teaching during this time... with Sofia I was pregnant right before school got out, so I was able to rest a lot more). It feels good to be pregnant again. Yes pregnancy comes with a lot of physical challenges, but it is worth it. I am so grateful that I am able to get pregnant. I will take these minor side effects. (Also... I think I have it pretty easy compared to some women when it comes to the first trimester.)
Emotionally? I am a hot mess. There will be several blog posts all about this. It is insane how you can be so happy and yet so sad all at the same time, not to mention the fear and anxiety. Add pregnancy hormones to all of these contradictory emotions and you've got... well... me. I go from crying happy tears to balling uncontrollably in a split second. One minute I'm driving home from work singing along with the radio, and the next I am pulled over on the side of the freeway shaking as I cry and scream that I just want to hold Sofia. I know if it weren't for her I wouldn't have this little bundle, but, I want them both! Is that too much to ask?!?! Sometimes I see a pregnant woman and smile, other times I instantly hate her and her innocence about pregnancy (even without knowing her or her story!) and then I am filled with guilt for having such horrible thoughts!
I'm a mess, but I am okay with that. I let myself feel everything I need to feel. All of these thoughts and feelings are "normal" and part of my journey. I just have to check myself and my thoughts. While I can be scared, I cannot let it own me, I must also be hopeful. While I can be angry, I cannot let it stay, I must too be grateful. While I can be sad, I must also find reasons to smile. While I can be jealous of the first time mom who knows nothing of the pain I know, I must remember the day I got to hold our sweet girl, and remember that I would go back and do it again if it meant I got to kiss her little nose again. While I can be frustrated with the pregnant women who make choices during pregnancy that I did not make, and they get to take their babies home and I did not, I must remember that life is not fair, and the choices I will continue to make in this and future pregnancies will give my kids a greater quality of life and are worth the sacrifice.
If you have any other questions, from my pregnancy with Sofia, to a still-birth delivery, to pregnancy after loss, or follow-up questions to these, do not hesitate to ask. I feel a deep calling to help people with similar stories, and to educate those who are fortunate enough to never know this pain, but willing to learn more about it.
Sidenote: The following is not so much a question, but a common misconception that I find myself having to clarify quite often. Sofia's cord was not around her neck. While cords around the neck can be somewhat common, Sofia's cord accident was completely different. Here is my attempt to clarify this less common, more dangerous type of cord accident. If you imagine where her cord connected to her belly, imagine a straw twisted and twisted until nothing can get through. That is what was wrong with her cord. Right at the base of the cord, the cord was so severely twisted that no fluids could pass through to her. Our doctors agree that this is not due to the movement of the baby (like a knot or a loop around the neck would be), but rather due to the way the cord formed from the beginning. Hopefully this sheds some light on the variety and severity of cord accidents.
Monday, July 6, 2015
Why the Delayed Announcement?
Why did we wait so long to share the news?
This is a question even I cannot manage to answer. After delivering Sofia I remember saying that I was going to shout from the rooftops the minute we were pregnant again. I swore that I would not let a minute go by that the world wouldn't know I was pregnant, because you never know how few minutes one has. But, now that I was there, why couldn't I do it? My best attempt is to say that we were just not ready.
The delay in sharing our news in no way means we are not excited, or even that the fears outweigh the excitement. In the last 18 weeks we have generated an even longer baby name list, shopped for baby clothes (boy, girl and gender neutral), re-activated our registries, planned for our pregnancy announcement, baby announcement, and Christmas card, imagined what Christmas will be like this year with two little ones to celebrate, re-organized the baby room (including packing away all the hand-me-downs from big sister Sofia), Pinterested away with baby room decor ideas, read to baby, talked to baby, sang to baby, danced with baby, prayed over baby, told baby all about his big sister, and so much more. To say we are excited is an understatement. So why not share the news? Why not let this happiness and excitement into the lives of the wonderful people in our network? I don't know. I just know it feels...different.
Possible reasons:
Fear of letting people down again. Sharing Sofia's fate was incredibly hard to do. So many people were so invested in this little girl's life, and we had to crush all of those excitements and dreams for them. Lucky for me, Juan made most of the phone calls, and our moms and sisters also helped spread the news and field questions. Still, it felt like we had let so many people down. Friends, families, coworkers, students. I don't want to do that again. If something were to happen in this pregnancy, we would surely share the news again. It is just, for some reason, it seems less painful to just break bad news to people rather than to build up hope and dreams, and then crush it later. When we were newly pregnant I swore I would go nine months without telling anyone if I could, out of fear of disappointing people again.
Self-Preservation/Protection. Sure, postponing sharing the news may also have been a way to protect myself. Maybe I've been putting a guard up as to not admit that I could possibly experience such a loss, and such pain, yet again. I don't know. I guess sharing the news makes it all more real (as if the nausea, bloat, and growing belly don't make it real enough hehe), and more real means more vulnerable, which means more possibility for pain.
Uncertainty of how people would react. We have been shown nothing but love and support since we delivered Sofia. We are surrounded by family, friends, coworkers, doctors, nurses and strangers who continue to support us and honor our little girl, which is why it baffles me that I was so unsure about how people would react. I guess I just hate to make people uncomfortable, and let's be real, it is an uncomfortable topic. Also, I was certain people would have a lot of questions, and I just wasn't sure if I was ready to field such questions. I am happy to say that every person we have shared the news with has responded with such a genuine love and excitement for us. People were excited when we announced we were pregnant a year ago, but it is different this time, deeper, more pure, there is just more to it. As for questions, everyone has asked such great questions, and answering them has been healing for me. Answering questions has been very empowering. It is hard to explain, but it feels good (hence a Frequently Asked Questions blog coming soon). So thank you. Thanks for loving without judgement, and asking questions based in that love and curiosity. You trying to understand our situation means the world to me, and makes this journey so much less scary and lonely. As we started to share the news with more people, I became more and more certain I was ready to share with the world. Which leads to the next possible reason for holding the news...
Overwhelming feeling of love and support. This one is hard to explain. The love and support we have been showered with has played an essential role in our healing. On rough days I can go to Facebook or to this blog and see that our story has touched so many lives, and so many people are rooting for us. That is a wonderful feeling! However, it can also be overwhelming. Sometimes on rough days I need to stay as far away from Facebook as possible, or ignore texts and phone calls. Some days I just need to go through what I need to go through, with just my husband by my side, because he truly knows the story from the front row. Sometimes going through all of this so publicly is overwhelming. I would not change it though. From the beginning of this journey we committed to being open and honest along the way. We know that doing so can help so many others, and the bonus is the community of support our honesty has grown for us. But sometimes, all the love is overwhelming. Something that feels undeserved. Just thinking about it moves me to tears. People have helped us in ways I can only hope we can help others some day. Sometimes I feel guilty that I cannot repay the outpour of love. Now please don't read this and step back. We need all the support we can get. Just know that if I seem distant, or I don't respond, or you don't get a "Thank You" right away, I may just need some me time, but I'll be back for you to carry me through.
Preserving Sofia's Memory. This is probably the strongest and most recent feeling/fear. I guess part of me fears that by sharing the exciting news of this new baby, people would forget about Sofia, or think we've moved on and all is well. As much joy as this baby has reintroduced to our lives, it does not take away the pain we feel from our loss, nor does it lessen the love we have for our little girl. I still want people to ask about her, to say her name, to talk about her curls and her dimples. I want to celebrate and chat about this baby too, but I never want the conversations about our girl to stop.
So there ya have it... My long-winded attempt to explain why we waited so long to announce that Baby Boy Llamas will be here this December!
This is a question even I cannot manage to answer. After delivering Sofia I remember saying that I was going to shout from the rooftops the minute we were pregnant again. I swore that I would not let a minute go by that the world wouldn't know I was pregnant, because you never know how few minutes one has. But, now that I was there, why couldn't I do it? My best attempt is to say that we were just not ready.
The delay in sharing our news in no way means we are not excited, or even that the fears outweigh the excitement. In the last 18 weeks we have generated an even longer baby name list, shopped for baby clothes (boy, girl and gender neutral), re-activated our registries, planned for our pregnancy announcement, baby announcement, and Christmas card, imagined what Christmas will be like this year with two little ones to celebrate, re-organized the baby room (including packing away all the hand-me-downs from big sister Sofia), Pinterested away with baby room decor ideas, read to baby, talked to baby, sang to baby, danced with baby, prayed over baby, told baby all about his big sister, and so much more. To say we are excited is an understatement. So why not share the news? Why not let this happiness and excitement into the lives of the wonderful people in our network? I don't know. I just know it feels...different.
Possible reasons:
Fear of letting people down again. Sharing Sofia's fate was incredibly hard to do. So many people were so invested in this little girl's life, and we had to crush all of those excitements and dreams for them. Lucky for me, Juan made most of the phone calls, and our moms and sisters also helped spread the news and field questions. Still, it felt like we had let so many people down. Friends, families, coworkers, students. I don't want to do that again. If something were to happen in this pregnancy, we would surely share the news again. It is just, for some reason, it seems less painful to just break bad news to people rather than to build up hope and dreams, and then crush it later. When we were newly pregnant I swore I would go nine months without telling anyone if I could, out of fear of disappointing people again.
Self-Preservation/Protection. Sure, postponing sharing the news may also have been a way to protect myself. Maybe I've been putting a guard up as to not admit that I could possibly experience such a loss, and such pain, yet again. I don't know. I guess sharing the news makes it all more real (as if the nausea, bloat, and growing belly don't make it real enough hehe), and more real means more vulnerable, which means more possibility for pain.
Uncertainty of how people would react. We have been shown nothing but love and support since we delivered Sofia. We are surrounded by family, friends, coworkers, doctors, nurses and strangers who continue to support us and honor our little girl, which is why it baffles me that I was so unsure about how people would react. I guess I just hate to make people uncomfortable, and let's be real, it is an uncomfortable topic. Also, I was certain people would have a lot of questions, and I just wasn't sure if I was ready to field such questions. I am happy to say that every person we have shared the news with has responded with such a genuine love and excitement for us. People were excited when we announced we were pregnant a year ago, but it is different this time, deeper, more pure, there is just more to it. As for questions, everyone has asked such great questions, and answering them has been healing for me. Answering questions has been very empowering. It is hard to explain, but it feels good (hence a Frequently Asked Questions blog coming soon). So thank you. Thanks for loving without judgement, and asking questions based in that love and curiosity. You trying to understand our situation means the world to me, and makes this journey so much less scary and lonely. As we started to share the news with more people, I became more and more certain I was ready to share with the world. Which leads to the next possible reason for holding the news...
Overwhelming feeling of love and support. This one is hard to explain. The love and support we have been showered with has played an essential role in our healing. On rough days I can go to Facebook or to this blog and see that our story has touched so many lives, and so many people are rooting for us. That is a wonderful feeling! However, it can also be overwhelming. Sometimes on rough days I need to stay as far away from Facebook as possible, or ignore texts and phone calls. Some days I just need to go through what I need to go through, with just my husband by my side, because he truly knows the story from the front row. Sometimes going through all of this so publicly is overwhelming. I would not change it though. From the beginning of this journey we committed to being open and honest along the way. We know that doing so can help so many others, and the bonus is the community of support our honesty has grown for us. But sometimes, all the love is overwhelming. Something that feels undeserved. Just thinking about it moves me to tears. People have helped us in ways I can only hope we can help others some day. Sometimes I feel guilty that I cannot repay the outpour of love. Now please don't read this and step back. We need all the support we can get. Just know that if I seem distant, or I don't respond, or you don't get a "Thank You" right away, I may just need some me time, but I'll be back for you to carry me through.
Preserving Sofia's Memory. This is probably the strongest and most recent feeling/fear. I guess part of me fears that by sharing the exciting news of this new baby, people would forget about Sofia, or think we've moved on and all is well. As much joy as this baby has reintroduced to our lives, it does not take away the pain we feel from our loss, nor does it lessen the love we have for our little girl. I still want people to ask about her, to say her name, to talk about her curls and her dimples. I want to celebrate and chat about this baby too, but I never want the conversations about our girl to stop.
So there ya have it... My long-winded attempt to explain why we waited so long to announce that Baby Boy Llamas will be here this December!
Thursday, June 18, 2015
6 months
Six months ago I would not have believed you if you told me I'd be happy again, that I'd find a way to get up every day and smile, but here I am, doing my best, one day at a time, and with a smile. Thank you to all that have accompanied us on this journey for the last six months. This journey is nowhere near over, and we will continue to need all the support and prayers we can get for as long as we live. It is funny how grief works. I've learned and accepted that my heart will never heal, but I will learn how to live with this beautiful scar.
Sofia, my sweet girl, not a day goes by that I don't think of you. I long to hold you, kiss you, and see you. I grow more and more proud of you each day. In 32 short weeks, you changed the world, something your daddy and I aim to do each day, and you continue to do so. I admire you, baby girl. Your strength to fight for life as long as you did, without a sign of struggle, and your power to inspire people even today, simply amazes me. The wisdom I've gained since you've been in my life cannot be expressed in words. You made me a mama, and you've proven to me that I am stronger than I ever imagined. You've inspired me to do more to make this world a better place. Through our network of family and friends, you have showered us in love, and shown us what a beautiful world this can be. You've made me and Daddy fall even more deeply in love, all over again. You've grown our hearts so big, you've given us emotions so intense. I never knew I could feel emotions the way I do now. Thank you, sweet angel. Each day I strive to make you proud. You've given me new purpose in my life. I will forever share your story, and someday, I promise to do more for families with stories like ours. I don't know how or what it will look like, but together, we will continue to speak up and hopefully bring comfort to those who are given a journey that looks different than they had planned. I'm so grateful to have you in my life and I look forward to the day I get to hold you in my arms again. I love you, baby girl.
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